my h and son gave me necklace

[rysmom]

My h came to my house when i was away and put a bracelet for easter in my car. I found it this morning. I text him and thanked him for it. My son said he and my h chose it for me for Easter.

[MrBond]

Hi rysmom,

I have been following your story for the past few posts but chose not to respond. I wanted to see what you would do.

It's great that he's been treating you nicer, HOWEVER, what's more important is how YOU feel. Do you still have the anger and a judgemental attitude towards him and his decisions?

He could be doing things nicer for you out of pity or he could be doing them as a peace offering. Whatever the reason, if your attitude about his choices don't change, he will be afraid to come back if he wants to.

You mentioned about how could he be so careless to buy an expensive car rather than spending it on your son, about how the OW is more outgoing than you are and that you "can't" be like that.

Have you started rebuilding your self-esteem? That is the number one priority regardless of his decision. If you don't get yourself strong, and can honestly forgive him and be compassionate towards him your R will not heal.

I asked you before what reason would he want to come back to YOU. A real reason that doesn't include your son or shared history. Now at this very moment, if he came back, would you say you are a changed woman or would you be resentful towards him? Be honest.

If you feel that you are strong enough, then call him and ask him for coffee or something small. However I don't think you're at that point yet.

[MrBond]

rysmom,

I just wanted clarify that last point. While I don't think you're at that point yet, I have every confidence that you can get to that point. Believe in yourself.

[rysmom]

thanks for your reply, it was good advice. I know i need to get stronger and happier with my life, and stay close to God for the strength. Im not ready to have h come back yet. But i have gotten more independent and stronger. I don't have as much anger that i did. I put things in God's hands and that helps a lot.

[rysmom]

Journaling:
My h took my son out yesterday to the car show and ow went also. I was so hurt that h would do that after doing nice things for me the past month. My therapist is brushing me off, now i have to find a new one i think. I still get depressed about the situation with h.
I went and played tennis today and im going to volunteer tomorrow at the red cross for 1 morning a week. I would appreciate replys though.

[rysmom]

yesterday I called h and said my Ryan doesn't want to be around ow , don't do that to him again. h hung up on me probable cuz ow was right there.

[rysmom]

yesterday I called h and said my Ryan doesn't want to be around ow , don't do that to him again. h hung up on me probable cuz ow was right there. I rarely call h but i was so hurt.

[MrBond]

rysmom,

That's the worst thing you could have done. Remember what I said about being judgemental? You're still doing it. And on top of that, you used your son as an excuse for your hurt.

You can't keep doing that. Unfortunately you can't stop him from taking your son with the OW. You are going to have to learn to accept it for now. It doesn't mean that it won't change later.

Let's face it. He didnt' hang up on you because the OW was there. He hung up because you were acting a little psycho and scared him. You keep doing that and he will stay in his hole.

Get a new therapist right away. Have you ever thought that maybe the therapist doesn't call you back because you don't change? If you are going to go in for help, then get help for you. Keep getting stronger please.

[rysmom]

Why is it not good to let h see that he is hurting me by doing what he is doing?

[MrBond]

1) Because that's what you've been doing since the beginning and it hasn't worked. In fact it pushes him further away.

2) It shows how weak you are and want him to come back out of duty and obligation and not because he likes you.

3) It shows that you haven't changed and that if he were to come back, that you would use fear and guilt to use against him not only in terms of the relationship, but in all other matters as well. For example: "You don't want to eat at that restaurant? That hurts me very much."

4) It breaks one of the primary fundamentals of DBing.

There's more if you want.

By doing that you are cementing their R because you're not making it seem welcome to come home. I mean seriously, who wants to go home to someone who makes them feel guilty all the time?