Am I on the right track?

[NEmoose43]

Jack, I get what you're saying, but isn't the point of all this to fight for our marriage? I know that I want to be a better person regardless of the outcome, but I want my W back above and beyond everything else. And that is what I'm fighting for...I didn't know I was actually fighting this other guy until this morning.

She also has no idea that I have any actual proof about this beyond what she's told me, which is that he kissed her 4 months ago and that he supposedly respects that we are married and are trying to work this out. She does know that I am suspicious though.

She keeps saying that she wants to get through her finals this week and then take a look at us...but how can I believe that when I know what I know now?

So my question is do i just drop the rope completely and let her figure out what she wants? Do I maintain any sort of contact? So f-ing lost today. Please give me any advice you guys might have.

[islander]

Man, I am sorry to hear that. I remember when I found a similar diary entry and it literally killed me inside. W had told me that she wanted to move out to work in herself and be by herself to clear her head. She said she felt like she had always been in a R and never lived by herself. (she lived alone for about a year and a half while we were dating, but I guessed that slipped her mind in the rewrite of our history).

I found her journal and she wrote about moving in with OM or getting a place by herself. The bomb had just dropped, and she wanted to effing move in with OM with SD.

She wrote that she wondered why or how I could try so bard when she did t want to try at all

That I was a great guy.

I write all of this bc I do know exactly how you feel. Exactly.

What you should not do, IMO, is confront her at this time. There will come a time when you probably will confront her, but the time is definitely not now.

If you confront her, I guarantee you will push her straight into his arms. She will be mad at you for snooping, tell you you don't trust her, and will probably say many other mean things to you.

Confronting her will make you feel much worse than letting it go for now. You may initially feel good, but that feeling will be gone in an instant and you will feel a new low.

I thunk you should go a little dark. Do something for yourself tonight, and as much as you can this week. I wouldn't be mean to her, or unfriendly when you talk to her. Let her contact you, you leave her alone. If she contacts you, be friendly, keep the convo very light and upbeat, and be busy or getting ready to do something.

She also may have left the journal for you to find. Maybe. Don't play into it. If you wrote something like that, I know you wouldn't leave it where it could be found.

Be cool, calm, and patient. It is the only thing you can do.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

but isn't the point of all this to fight for our marriage?

Why yes it is.

But, you tell me.

You fighting for that broken marriage, where you had an EA and she is having an EA, or do you have your eyes set on a better one with her?

[sandi2]

Do I go fully dark and hope she makes the choice to try again and not throw us away for a guy who's 13 years older than her and has a kid from an already broken marriage?

Do you think you can go dark? You can't even get through one day without contacting her.

It makes no difference to her that OM is 13 yrs older or that he has a daughter. That part, you can stop wondering about.

She isn't trying to "find herself", Moose, she's trying to decide which man she wants to pick. In the meantime, she plays you and she plays OM. As long as both men allow her to play, then she will continue.

You have been getting great advice, but you aren't heeding what you're reading.

Are you ready to be the man that will attract her back, or will you continue making the same mistakes?

You have allowed her all the choices. Why not decide to take back your life? You have a choice to make.

[NEmoose43]

Well, things just get weirder.

Got a text from W this afternoon asking if we could talk after work. I said I had said all I needed to say, but she asked me if I could come see her for a bit. Don't know if I should have gone or not, but I did.

W asks me if I read her notebook. I asked her why she would ask that, and she said because I kept asking about the weekend. I said no, I was just really bothered by the fact that she didn't come home on Saturday. Wanted to confront her really badly, but it wasn't the right time (thanks Islander). I did ask if she really stayed with a friend that night, she said yes again, and it occurred to me that it is possible that she just spent time with OM and then slept at her friends...honestly it really doesn't matter, because it does not change a thing. Doesn't change what I'm doing, and if he is part of the choice she's trying to make, I can't control that anyway.

We walked out to our cars, and ended up talking for over an hour. She said a lot of things about how terrible she felt for not being able to come back to me right away and for having an EA even after mine from three years ago. I told her it didn't make her a bad person, it made her human, and I reiterated that I knew my distance and the way I had been so unavailable to her had driven her to find an emotional connection somewhere else. Said I wasn't condoning anything, but that I understood why it happened...basically a lot of validating and acknowledging that we BOTH had made some bad mistakes. I made the point that I was more than willing to let the past be the past, and to make the conscious decision to work on our M. I acknowledged that she wasn't there yet and that I understood why. But I said if we can both make that first step, that choice to try, that it was possible that so many things could fall into place for us. She looked at me and actually said "Believe me, I know, but it's so hard to make that choice right now."

Honestly, it was really weird considering what I had seen earlier in the day. She said again and again that she needs to get through this week of finals and then work on us. I just don't know what I can believe from her right now. I want to believe her, and I want to trust her, especially when she holds me for several minutes, looks into my eyes with tears in hers, and says that I haven't lost her...WTF???

If she's lying to me while making promises like that...well, I'll just leave that out there. What do you guys think?

So here's how I closed things:

W, if that's true, then the choice is yours, and I know you know that I have already made my choice with us. We've both made mistakes, and we both feel hurt and angry, but I know I can get past that and it's okay that you're not there yet. I'm sorry that you feel like this is all on your shoulders, but that's unfortunately where we are right now. When and if you're ready to come home and talk, I'll be here.

And Sandi, I am officially dark. She said she still wanted to talk this week, and if that's true, then it's all on her. I have to protect myself at this point, and I have to work on myself at the same time. The choice is hers.

[islander]

I think you did a great job man. I know how hard it was not to say anything when you have so many questions and feel so low. But, imagine how the convo would have went if you had confronted her and said what you wanted to. Not good would have been the outcome.

Be patient, keep doing what you are doing.

And, you may never tell her that you read the journal. You may not need to. It may become your secret. Just don't think that it is something that you have to do one day.

[NEmoose43]

Thanks Islander, the thought of what she would do or say if I told her what I had seen, and your post from earlier, really kept a cork in it for me.

The thing is that I could see her denying it even then. She says that the notebook was an idea from her IC, she uses it to record thoughts that come to her during her yoga classes. Most of what I saw does fall under that. The first one I mentioned about her thoughts going to OM instead of whether or not to work on the M fits there. But the one about this weekend...well if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

Anyway, prayin for patience for this week. And I'm contemplating breaking my thumbs so I don't use my phone. Do not text first Moose, do not text first.

[NEmoose43]

Man I can't believe I forgot to mention this. At the end of our convo tonight, after W had held me for a few minutes, I reached out and touched her cheek, and as we were standing very close, we actually kissed for the first time in weeks. It wasn't long, and it wasn't passionate, but it was something. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it happened at a pretty significant moment so ???

Found some mail for her when I got home and she actually needs it tomorrow first thing. Guess I can't do as dark as I planned just yet. Wish me luck for the morning folks. Hope everyone gets some sleep tonight.

[sandi2]

Let this talk you had with your W be the new beginning place for you to start seriously DBing, okay?

It will be hard b/c you want to fix everything through conversation. (Believe me, I know exactly how that is!) But in DBing, we learn that it's not talks about the R that works. We have to let our actions, behaviors, attitudes, etc. do the work for us.

So very much of your difficulty will come from the simple fact that the two of you were stuck like glue and you don't know how to get through one day without her. You will find a 100 reasons to contact her. Most of that will be out of habit and it can be put on the back burner.

My suggestion is to make it your goal to do nothing to initiate contact with her. If she wants to send you an email, TM or VM........see how you can respond with no more than three words. It will be a challenge, but like she said.....she needs to have the floor to talk about things and you just need to listen. Do not talk.....just listen.

Pull back this week. She has expressed that need, so you should honor it by no contacts.

One of the best ways to get through these hard moments is to get a life doing something that does not include her. Go do some guy stuff with one of you men friends. You need to do more of that in the future and she needs to do things with her women friends.

Every person that comes to the board needs a DB plan. Set some goals that will get you tuned to DBing.

Much of what we will tell you will sound weird and you'll be afraid to follow the advice, afraid she'll leave. But, here's the thing....she already has left. That M is dead. Hopefully, you can have a new M with her.

So, will you try to get through this week without contacting her?

Remember, if she calls you....do not talk about the R. Just listen.

Get your talking out of your system here on the board.

((Hugs))

[calystra]

Well, it sounds like you did something right to get that reaction. What was it? DB'ing also includes things like validation and acting "as if", as well as strong PMA when you DO interact with your SO. Don't forget all that.