18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[OnMyWay]

On my way - for some reason your 1st post was delayed in showing up for me or I missed it (I really do think it got delayed). I absolutely welcome the male perspective.

Sorry, AJM80, my message didn't get delayed. I got delayed. After Tuesday, I haven't had much of a chance to DB for myself and haven't been by here.

However, my impressions of your post still stick, so I'll try to reduce them to words for you. Mind that these are MY impressions and your mileage may vary. I'll try to be brief:

1) Do you want us to stay here? If so, this is your opportunity to lobby.
2) When and where would you move? (He's already said he'll be moving out of his apt because of $$)
3) Are you still seeing the girl or anyone you would consider bringing around the kids?

#1 struck me in particular. My W has been critical of me over the years and I find it's a soar spot with me now (which is not to say she's mean or nasty, she's actually a sweet lady, but...). In this statement, you're fine asking if he wants you to stay (asking for his opinion), but the "lobby"ing effort is more of a command/demand requiring a decision/response he might not yet have. If you ask him what he wants, give him the opportunity to decide on his own without dropping your expectations of what you want back. With him feeling he must "lobby" you to get you to stay, if he already feels he can't live up to your expectations (or his), he may not even feel its worth trying. I probably wouldn't have answered this either, as it is a "wedge" issue right now between you and I would want to avoid an argument.

#2 - not your problem, so let it go. Again, let him man up and figure it out. Don't bring it up, but stay open to discuss options.

#3 - This is a valid question which you have every right to ask.

With his excuse of being sick, don't question it and take it for what it is. If he's lying to cover up his own feelings of self depreciation, that's his problem. You being critical of whatever it is, he will probably take it as if he's not good enough and he'll slide just that much farther away.

With regards to my question about his feelings of inadequacy, there was something in the tone of your email that struck me and left me with some feelings I know all to well. After spending my whole M working/supporting/trying/.etc. on our M/family, to have my W continually condescend to me about my parenting skills, cheat on me, then leave me, you might imagine I have some issues. Once, after all this, she commented on how I'm not the man I use to be and I have no confidence anymore. I commented how I must be bad in bed because she went outside our M for sex, a bad H because she left me, and a bad father because she always "corrects" me with our D. She immediately replied, "I don't think you're a bad father." Not very helpful as a confidence builder.

I guess my point is (and this goes for me, also), if R is what you want, then don't do things that will defeat that purpose. I can tell you are a strong woman and you may have to learn to temper that strength. Detach, but remain open. If he were me and the door were open, I'd be wanting to come back if the future were bright. But, if I felt bad about myself, I wouldn't come back to ANY reminders of how inadequate I was, true or perceived. This does not mean that these issues are to be ignored, but now is not the time to work on them.

I hope this helps paint the appropriate picture of what I wanted to say the other night. I know you have questions, so feel free to ask as needed. Especially if I haven't explained myself well.