Telling his wife to "return the pain" is not advisable. And to tell the truth, telling his wife may hurt your chances of reconciliation with YOUR wife, because she will resent you doing so. That being said, I take a somewhat altruistic approach to this question (which is not the usual DB response) - I feel the wife has a right to know. I would have wanted to know! She has the right to make decisions about her own life based on the facts of what her husband is doing. People who say "she probably already knows" - she probably doesn't! I didn't!
If there is a way you can tell the wife anonymously without it being traced back to you, that would be best.
And yes, it is sucky that your wife is involving your kids in her love life but there is probably little you can do about that. Focus instead on being the best person and dad that you can possibly be.
