Am I on the right track?

[NEmoose43]

Thanks Country...it took a 2x4 from my W to make me realize that I really am in a good spot.

She was trying and trying to tell me that she needed this time to figure out things about herself, and I kept thinking it was all about me. OM may be involved, but I can't do anything about that right? So why bother trying to influence it.

I'll give her the time she asks for, I'll take this time to work on myself, and hopefully she can find the strength to give us another shot. And hopefully the new me will find the strength to deal with it if she decides not to.

One day at a time.

[islander]

I Also think that you are in a pretty good sitch so to speak bc you seem to have caught this pretty early. My best advice for you is to be patient, and I thi k you will be good to go.

If you push to hard right now, it will only make it that much harder to work onyour M. It is so hard when they tell you they are done and moving on. Then change there mind, then change there mind again, then tell you they are not sure, etc. That is where I am at. It is he!! I would love to trade places with you right now.

Be patient. Be the best you that you can be. And be patient.

[NEmoose43]

I hear ya Islander...I do think I'm still at an early stage, and I know the way I've acted since this started in March has probably made things worse. It has definitely made W think more about anything negative in the last few years of our marriage, that I can say without a shadow of a doubt.

Question though, can someone tell me how to get my signature working??? Every time I try to set it up, the board tells me it's too long?

[Timetotry]

Moose,

I have the same problem with the signature.
So, I created a work around. Put it in Word and copy it in. After one post, just copy from your last one above (and save the control c to control v if you are replying on others).

Wish all 'R' problems could be this easy to solve...copy and paste!


H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[NEmoose43]

Nevermind...figured it out!

[Navyguy]

Moose:

Read your thread, and I agree that you are somewhat in the same place I was when I got back from my deployment. The absolute worst thing you can do right now is push her to feel a certain way. You MUST give her the space she needs (and is even asking for!). That was my #1 biggest mistake. I made the changes I needed to, but never let her see them for herself. I expected my W to "snap back" to loving me since I had fixed myself.

Every time I would get frustrated with her lack of progress, I would start pushing her buttons and/or take her temperature, which pushed her back to square one (or further away). Don't F this up...be patient. Patience doesn't mean waiting a week, or two, or even a month. Patience is sitting back and waiting for her to come to you, however long it takes.

My W has been back in the house for about 6 weeks now. During our separation, I made the decision that I was absolutely not going to be the one to end my M. A huge part of making sure that I am living that mantra is knowing that I cannot control how she feels or what actions she takes.

Is it painful? Yes. Is it frustrating? Extremely. Is it working? Read my sitch and decide for yourself.

Stupid people don't learn from their mistakes. Smart people learn from their mistakes. Really smart people learn from other people's mistakes.

[ninelives]

Well said Navy. Have to agree. Patience is the key. That is the one constant from MWD and we sometimes forget it when it goes against our normal perosnality but it is a MUST.

9

[NEmoose43]

Oh God, things just got worse...much much worse.

Had to leave my office and go to W's office (we work for the same company, just different locations) to pick up some files. Stopped and grabbed some coffee and a scone for her. No expectations with that, just know she has to work at 5:30AM and would need it. Went to put them with her stuff and saw a small notebook I hadn't seen before sitting with her keys. Shouldn't have opened it, but I did. It turned out to be just a place for her to put random thoughts and stuff she needed to do, but there were a couple diary-type entries...and they were bad.

From last week: "What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I trying to decide between two guys when I should be deciding whether or not I want to be married or single. I want to choose Moose and work on our M because I feel like OM will not fight for me. But when I am with OM I want to choose him..."

Then from yesterday: "Spent all day Saturday and Saturday night with OM and [his daughter], I love them both more and more each day..."

Saw W a bit after this, and she actually apologized for being a little harsh with me from the weekend and said she just needed to get through this week. She could tell I had something else on my mind, so she asked me if there was anything else I wanted to say. I should have just left it alone, but I said that I was sorry that my mind went to the worst case scenario all the time. And I said I wondered all day Saturday and Saturday night where she actually was. This obviously upset her, but she swore again and again that she had spent the day with her friend.

I put in a call to my lawyer when I got back to my office. I want to make sure I have all my bases covered legally in case she decides the other way, and he said that we need to talk about gathering evidence in case this goes to court. Not sure if I want to go down this road or not.

Funny, she just called and apologized again. Said she fully understands what I'm feeling because she went through the same thing during my EA 3 years ago. Man did I have to bite my tongue. I wanted to scream "Yeah, but I never spent the weekend at her house!!!!"

I don't know what to do. I want her back, I want us back, and I told her that and I know she knows it. Do I go fully dark and hope she makes the choice to try again and not throw us away for a guy who's 13 years older than her and has a kid from an already broken marriage?

God help me, I don't know what to do.

[Starsky309]

I don't know what to do. I want her back, I want us back, and I told her that and I know she knows it. Do I go fully dark and hope she makes the choice to try again and not throw us away for a guy who's 13 years older than her and has a kid from an already broken marriage?

God help me, I don't know what to do.

That depends; are you content being her fallback position?

Everyone's different, but I could never sit around hoping my own wife would "choose" me, while she lies to my face. If it were me, I'd do a "Robx" speech on her.

Starsky

[Jack_Three_Beans]

"Yeah, but I never spent the weekend at her house!!!!"

I can suggest what NOT to do.

And that is to NEVER compare or assign level of guilt for wrong actions.

"But" almost always makes every word before it, meaningless.

The lawyer, is your dog in case you need him to fight. You set the pace. Evidence is easy enough to gather; later.

You currently do not have the level of dettachment you're going to want in order to make good on promises to her or yourself. You don't have the level of dettachment to not look into her new notebook, or...let's face it get her a coffee and scone to check up on her, dress it up however you want to.

Do I go fully dark and hope she makes the choice to try again and not throw us away for a guy who's 13 years older than her and has a kid from an already broken marriage?

Well she wrote that you would fight for her.
But 'fighting' for her is pretty anti-DB.

Letting your wife go is harder than fighting this guy ever would be. And fighting this guy, you lose. That's simple, you attack him and she'll defend him, and it'll upset you to no end.
Forgiving is harder than letting go. Working out all these issues and problems...LATER is tougher than all of that.

You don't fight for her.

You fight to better yourself and for an improved relationship. And you learn when to fight, don't waste your energy on fighting at the wrong times.