Having a rough night tonight. I have no desire to contact him because I know I'm going to get more of the same stuff so don't worry about me breaking the dark phase. But it doesn't make this situation any easier right now. How can he sit there and not miss me & not want us anymore.
I realize that I have been depressed for about 3 years now (ever since the big move leaving home, family, friends and job). I recognized it a few years ago but just got sucked into the vicious cycle of being down.
I have a family history of depression through my dad's side but I never really felt like I was a depressed person until now. Maybe it was brought on by the situation but maybe there have been clues my entire life (lack of motivation, procrastination, lack of passion, etc). I talked with my dad and he said it was a real possibility and that I should get on medication at least now if not permanently. I think it's worth a shot.
I wish that I could explain all of this to my H and that he would understand just how much this impacted us. I did mention it to an extent and he just said that depression causes D in a lot of cases. I don't think he realizes how serious I am and that I need to possibly be on medication for life ... I think he may agree to the depression in the past few years but not understand that it's not just one more reason or one more excuse at this point.
His doing this snapped me out of it enough that I can deal with the sitch. I don't know how to explain how someone can feel LESS depressed when slammed with a D out of the blue but I am. I'm hurt and sad about the D but it's different.
I know talking to him isn't going to do any good but I wish I could and I wish it would. I may still try when I get home as our C suggested we at least do a "relationship autopsy" which I believe is something MWD also does.
Glad to hear you are feeling better today. We all have times when we get down and when we do, one of the first reactions is to contact the person we miss so much. If in your calmest moments you know you should be staying dark now, then you need to do that in your most irational moments too. That's what I tell myself now. Forcing yourself to be controlled, is still being controlled.
Hi, Calystra! I remember you and your H from the Chicago KLA in 2003. We all went to dinner together, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself at the time. I just noticed your thread, and started reading. Have to stop for now, but I'll come back later and catch up.
Sorry that you're back. I'm back too, but this time in the WAS board. You may not want to read it, I'm at the ranting stage right now.
I'll stop by later and maybe have something useful to say.
Hey z, definitely remember that - reading my threads brought back all those memories pretty clearly! I'll stop by when I get a chance. We can rant together. What is up with us huh.
We made it through one more day of dark. There are so many people who have been here more than once. I guess the truth is that the first (or second) time here, we did bust a divorce, but we never found a way to have our partners want to stay forever. Maybe we just delay(ed) the inevitable?
I'm still convinced that divorce busting is just a technique to stop the divorce but you still need to work out your issues. It's really all our fault for not doing that. So just bust this again BUT don't stop there.
I think I may have just delayed it, but that's not a bad thing. There were great moments in the last 6 years, my kids are at a much better age to handle it and financially we are much better off. So..if all I did was delay, that's ok. I don't see it as wasting those years. I can still celebrate a 25 wedding anniversay - just with someone else.
The chances of busting again for me are realistically about 1%, but yes, this time I would do things totally differently after the bust.
