I have taken a few days to re-read the post you guys have posted on my thread. I consider myself very fortunate to have such great advice and support. I want to offer special thanks for your patience and understanding throughout all this and for sticking with me.
25, Gritter
You are right. There are no guarantees in this nor in life in general, I think you always do something reaching for a certain goal though.
25 you had no guarantee to pass law school but you went, however your overall goal was to practice law.
I guess I have reviewed my feelings regarding this and I have been proceeding with the goal of reconciliation and that has been the wrong approach. I should proceed with the goal of self fulfillment whatever that might be.
I tell you why I struggle with this.
Prior to my separation my 5 year personal goals were very clear
1. Finish my Masters 2. Apply for a federal law enforcement agency DEA, FBI, ATF, US MARSHALLS 3. Attend OCS (Officer Candidate School) and become an officer 4. Try out for Special Forces.
Those were my personal goals. As it stands I am trying to figure out new goals to set for myself because now none of these goals are attainable except the Masters.
So my 5yr plan has vanished and I am re-assessing my life and trying to establish new goals.
Gritter I do love her, not the W or the reciprocation of her love but the woman, I believe I always will.
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Look, I understand. I really do. BUT. You are talking about making a decision based on HER reaction. Based on something you do not control.
Not really Country, I am talking about making a decision based on what is better for me and how I view my life going forward. Maybe I just worded that poorly, it has been known to happen.
25: I do pray daily, I did a lot today actually I will explain why in a little bit. It helps most of the time. Some of my frustration stems with how I think I should be feeling 6 months into this. I get frustrated with myself that I still feel such great lost at times, although it is not as bad as it use to be it still happens. I know this is silly of me.
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I find when I can't make a decision, that is the time to sit back and be still. The decisions come, in time
Cat; I think this is really the best thing I can do. Sit back relax and in timeI will have my answers.
I will journal a little bit on the tail end of this thread.
Sat i promised D I would take her to build a bear because she brought her grade up in math, a subject she struggles with quite a bit. The night before she was invited to a birthday sleep over that day and the day got away from us. After her piano class I told her I would make a deal with her. If she put off Build A Bear till Monday I would buy the bear 2 outfits instead of one. She decided she did not want to go to the party and just go to build a bear (BAB). To make a long story short she got pi$$y I got mad and took her home.
She got the house phone went to the basement and called XW crying. Told her I was being mean and was upset. They talked for about 15 minutes. Here is the story in a nut shell. D wanted to cancel the party to go get her bear and she wanted to go to the airport cause her grandfather was coming. He will be here a month and she had already said she would go to the party and they counted on her to be there. XW told her she could not be in 3 places at once and that she was so lucky to have to many things to do on that day. That maybe if she was nice and compromised with me she could still do the bear and still go to the party on that day but she had to be nice and accept whatever I told her. Then XW told her if she would like that she would talk to me. Of course D said yes.
XW: hey how are you?
M: Good was up.
XW: Talked to D. She is upset
M: Only a matter of time before she called you
XW: she is upset. I told her I would call and I did not want to be a liar. I am not trying to tell you what to do here
M: She needs to realize that the world does not revolve around her and if she commits to something she needs to do it.
W: i know but she is sad cause she has never gotten a B in math and that was a big deal to her. Listen to what she is saying to you, you use to b!tch at me all the time about that. Listen to what she says. She is just a little girl and got her feelings hurt cause she is sad. You do what you have to I am just throwing my two cents. You can prob get the bear and still make the sleep over with no problems. Don't make the same mistake I made and let your frustration affect the people you love the most that is all I am saying.
M: Yeah I guess you are right. I will talk to her and maybe we can make a deal.
W: Good. I told her she still might not get what she wanted but that I would at least talk to you.
M: Well I will talk to her
I did and we ended up going to the build a bear while I was there I realized I did not have a bday present so I ended up getting two bears. After I left I texted W and said.
M: Good thing I came b4 the party cause I forgot to get bday girl a present so we ended up getting two bears lol
W: lol oh glad it all worked out. Is everybody happy now? lol
M: Yup. thanks for the pep talk it's all smiles now
X: Good. And ur welcome anytime.....I sure do miss those days right now..
X: Minus grandpa coming lol (he is my stepdad and is a little annoying sometimes)
X: Hahahaha
M: Yeah she needed an ally today and went right to you. oh no worries grandpa is going to brothers house lol
X: lol I was teasing...sort of I am glad D feels better
That was it. I went out Sat night and was at the bar with a friend and she called.
M: Hello?
X: Hey everything work out ok today...............You busy?
M: Yeah I am actually out to dinner right now can I call you back in a few hours?
X: Sure
About 3 hours later I called but no answer so I left her a message basically telling her I was calling her back and I would be for a few minutes if she did not call back I would talk to her whenever.
Today I went to a communion and all our friends were there. All the families we vacation with every year all the wives all the kids and I was solo. First time I had seen everyone since Oct. I thought it would be a sick feeling for me but the real sick feeling happened when I left. As everyone said their goodbyes I walked back by myself to the car. It was very lonely, but oh well it was a short walk.
D went to the carnival with grandpa and grandma and I decided to take a nap. She calls around 4PM
X: Hey was up
M: Not much
X: Sorry last night I went to visit GF and did not hear my phone I was calling you back today. What are you up to
M: Oh went to communion saw everyone it was nice
X: Oh yeah. Good. Who were you out to dinner with last night?
M: A buddy watched the UFC fight. It was good
X and I were huge UFC fans and never missed a PPV fight I have not seen it since she left
X: I haven't seen it since I left I don't watch any of my old shows anymore either
M: Oh I haven't seen UFC in awhile I am out of the loop.
We talked about the fight for a few minutes then she said
X: Well I.............I don't know if I should tell you this
M: Well you already started
X: Yeah but........
M: Ok you don't want to tell me don't
X: I quit my job Friday. LOL
M: Oh yeah? You have something lined up?
X: Nope!! Well kind of I am interviewing for it I was told I am the only one applying with any experience so it is pretty much a shoe in but I don't have it yet.
M: Well you hated that job so good for you.
X: Yeah I was miserable.
Talked a few minutes more about that she mentioned she wanted to buy a new car this summer. Then the convo went to some of our friends
M: Yeah friend is due next week
X: Oh yeah? How nice. Everyone with their kids and little cute families. How nice. Sorry just a little bitter at the moment. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I will never have kids.
M: Why do you say that?
X: Well in order to have kids you have to be M and in love and all that stuff
M: Well you are only 29 you are still young
X: yeah well.....
Talked a little more about her potential new job and the car she wants. That was pretty much it. Then tonight I am on the phone with a buddy and she calls again.
M: Hello?
W: What are you doing?
M: Nothing
W: Turn the TV on, the news!!
M: Ok.
I did talked for a minute and said goodnight. Then she texted me....
X: You watching it?
M: Yup. Fox news. I can't believe it
W: I know!! It's awesome!! Ur the first person I thought of to tell and new u prob weren't watching the news.
Texted back and forth about the news of Usama being dead and that was it.
I met D at the carnival today and we rode some rides together, while it was fun and we both had a good time inside you feel a little piece missing. It is just sad I think.
At this point I am just journaling and since this is too much crap to write I figured I would journal it here since I can type pretty quickly.
Anyways hopefully everyone is having a good night.
