So glad I dropped by to see your thread (and saw Was2 here too!!) I'm happy to see your work in progress. Although I'd say my div was busted I don't think I'll ever say "we made it" in the sense that we are "done." ' It will always be an evolving relationship and a work in progress and I'm alright with that.
The paradox is that we cannot take each other for granted, but we also have to let some things slide and not get freaked out or paranoid when things are not totally smooth. There will be bumps in the road, but the sword of Damacles (i.e., the threat of divorce) had to be laid aside so we could work on our M. After piecing for a long time (NOT the easiest thing, as you may know by now) we attended Retrovaille. We sort of went "out of order" b/c most couples there seemed to have at least one person hell bent on divorce. But we got a lot out of it and confirmed our commitment to the M and that was a very good thing.
Even now though, I have what if's? How can we not? With the years I find myself with fewer and fewer moments of asking myself about "WTH did HE do to ME??!!" times. I have mostly let them go. And when I do have them, I don't act or speak about them.
At Retrovaille, the single biggest surprise (and there were several) was how much regret h had been experiencing, which I knew nothing about. I don't want to say I was glad about that b/c it was painful to see his pain, but it did reassure me of his conscience. Today he had lunch with D#1, the person probably most hurt by his departure and absence. Their R has suffered but he is making an effort. It is better.
I see similar things in TJ's behavior and am hopeful that your m & family can be fully restored. Take care, and thanks for the support you gave me when I first came here (around your time I believe). There was SO MUCH PAIN and I have grown because of it. Also there were a lot of laughs--all Godsends. Thanks again, there may be more of us (who ended up together with our WASs) than we realized, e.g., FaithfulH too.
Sometimes I worry that my experience will not help another or will give them false hope. But mostly I want LBSers to know their time lines have to be ENLARGED significantly. My h was out of the house 2 years, piecing was a good additional full year, and I'd say then, after a 3 year "ordeal", we went to Retrovaille. That was 2+ years ago. Still evolving, but yes, I'd say I'm happily married today.
We are going on a Medittaranean cruise this summer for our 30th anniversary. If you'd asked me 4-6 years ago what my life would be like now, I'd have given this "happy together" option a 10% chance.
Keep in touch, when you can. j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
