Half in and half out... How do I move forward?

[barnaby]

But NO ONE ever tries EVERYTHING, even when they say they have. What have you tried? Who handles discipline? What specifically are his complaints there?

Ok. We established he didn't need to be their father (they have regular contact with their dad.) More a father figure, a responsible male role model if you like. I was happy for him to have equal say in discipline and to discipline off his own back as he saw fit. I believe in positive parenting and this is where we differ; we both realise I am the "softer" parent and not as consistent as I should be. He is the opposite; rigorously strict. We both have issues with how "extreme" the other is; he thinks I'm not harsh enough, I think he is too hardline.

What are his complaints about you personally? If there are none, what is different about you now than the time when you fell in love? (If he is happier with YOU than the other things might pale in comparison).

He says I am just fine as I am. He says he wouldn't change anything about me, there is nothing I would need to change. He knows the family issue is his. He also said that what happened with the other girl, was no reflection on me; he went to great lengths to explain that it wasn't anything to do with how I looked, how I acted etc.

I feel that I am less independent than when we first started dating. This is something I realised maybe a year or so ago and have made steps to improve this, and still am.

The point is, you are probably not the problem, but you can be the solution. The situation isn't what it should be, it's just what you've got. He SHOULD be responsible, he SHOULD love your other kids as much as his own, etc.

The other point is--you have the absolute RIGHT to draw the hard line, but it isn't likely to save your marriage, and I'm just assuming that is your goal because you came to this site.

You have a very tough situation, but I would encourage you to fight for your marriage at least right now. That doesn't mean you can't have some boundaries, but to expect 'all in' is completely unrealistic, it doesn't happen that way. It's baby steps.

I understand. My "hardline" approach was prompted by, as mentioned, my concern that it directly involves the older kids. I didn't want them picking up on any ambivalence regarding his feelings.

Barnaby,

First off, welcome to this board...

When you and your H met, he knew you had these children correct?

What are his specific complaints?

How involved is their father?

I also don't think I would expect him to be 100% committed to the R or working on the R right now...

If you push for that at this time, he will more than likely leave...

And I don't think that you want that to happen...

Yes he knew I had children when we met.

Specifically... He feels resentful of the fact I had children before we got together. He wishes he had met me before I met my ex. He prefers the time we spend together as "our" family (ie when my children are with their dad) and says that when they ARE here, the dynamic changes. He says that he never planned to get into a family and be a stepfather, he never wanted that, and has been trying since we got together four years ago to make it work but doesn't know if he can. He has used his feelings by way of "punishing" me; my prime example was when we talked about getting married after our first was born. He had some reasons as to why he wanted to wait; he later came out with the fact that had I not already had children when we met, he would have asked me to marry him ages ago.

Their father is involved regularly. They spend every other weekend with him, and go on holiday with him every year.

I see what you guys are saying about the 100% thing. I will think about what you are saying. He keeps coming and spending time here a lot because, he says, his feelings for me haven't changed. I should also say he is a devoted father to his children.