Thanks for checking in on me. Sanderika I sent you an e-mail in the alt yesterday. So glad you set up an account. Did you find my message on your alt page?
Since my X-MIL's passing I have found myself to be more emotional than I expected to be, so I've taken a bit of a break from the boards. I am lurking but have been trying to keep up my mood by exercising and GAL (spring STILL has not arrived here. It snowed on the baseball game earlier this week. ) Losing X-MIL has been like losing a 2nd mother and I am grieving her loss. I think XH and I are going through a sort of adjustment period, trying to figure out what type of R we will have now that his mother is no longer a "living" bridge between us, although she no doubt is still a bridge of sorts. I think that X-SIL has been trying to play cupid for me and XH so maybe she will end up being a new link for XH and me.
XH and I have played TT, gone to a movie, and gone out to eat a couple times since the funeral 4 weeks ago. A few days ago I took him out to dinner for his birthday, which was yesterday. It's pretty amazing that 1 year ago I didn't acknowledge his birthday directly but bought a card for his mother to give him. Fast forward 1 year........This year we had a lovely dinner together at a cozy restaurant for 2 1/2 hours, shared food, and he kept talking and talking.....seemed like he didn't want to leave. I could tell by the way he looked at me initially when I arrived that he thought I looked attractive. I gave XH a home made gift certificate to attend a professional baseball game with me. We'll see if he takes me up on the offer. I think he was surprised that I got him something that he liked (but different than anything I have ever given him) and said he would let me know when he finds a game he wants to attend. The new baseball stadium is nothing he and I have ever talked about. I've just heard him make positive comments from time to time about how much he likes it so I think he was quite surprised about the gift.
I can tell XH has been doing a lot of processing about R's. I'm glad to see that. He needs to do that for himself. One year ago he seemed to take delight in telling me about people we know who were having M problems or D'ing. In the last few weeks he has commented twice about friends/family who have worked through some M issues and come out happy and content on the other side. That's a big attitude change for him. In another convo after TT, XH brought up a very old issue from 4-5 years ago that he was resentful about (I think he was responding to what he perceived as an indirect criticism of him --- it wasn't, but XH was "mind reading"). Because I have grown very weary of XH's slow progress, his accusation kind of deflated me and I replied very calmly and kindly (like I would to a patient who was acting out), “If I said something like that I was probably envious of you for having (something that I didn't have) …………….It makes me sad that you think you know what I’m thinking without talking to me about it. People have different reasons for saying things. You may not really know what they’re thinking.” XH replied, “Then we should talk about it (in the future).” This was a change in his attitude…….it sounded like a repair attempt to me……so this was another sign that XH is changing in a small way.
I spoke with Jody 1 1/2 weeks ago and she said that XH finally seems to have entered the friendship stage. I was surprised she said that because we have been doing things together for 11 months, but she said that "I" have been in friendship stage for 11 months, but that XH has only recently entered friendship stage as evidenced by the relaxed nature of our exchanges. She said to look for the benchmarks of reciprocity and honesty in conversations as signs that XH is being a friend to me.
I had invited XH to 2 theatrical events in town (we used to enjoy the theater together) but he said he wasn't interested in the first and already had plans for the second. When I spoke with Jody she suggested making my social invitations for no more than 2-3 days in advance so that they’re more like invitations from a friend. The theater invitations would have been more like "dates". I asked Jody if I should continue to initiate invitations right now, even though XH isn’t initiating? She said that right now, his acceptance of my invitations IS his reciprocation. Jody and I talked about me introducing new activities for XH and me to share so that we don't get bored.
Jody said that XH's grieving process will be more complicated than most because of his mother's alcoholism. She said when someone has a lot of conflicted grief about their mother it makes the grief more complicated. She thinks he will probably be in the significant grief stage for 3 -6 months. I told her that I have been reading the book "The Intimacy Struggle" by Janet Woititz (excellent book for those who are adult children of alcoholics and those who love them) and I wondered if XH could ever overcome the legacy of his childhood. Jody said that when she first started out as a therapist she put more stock in behavioral paradigms like the "adult children" paradigm, but her many years of clinical experience have shown her that people with these types of problems CAN manage to maintain positive healthy relationships with others. She is less concerned about family of origin issues at this point in her career because she has seen so many thrive in spite of those issues. I found her perspective to be a good reminder. I know that I've overcome many FOO issues over the years. There are probably still more ahead of me.
Next sunday will be difficult for XH and X-SIL because of the holiday. I am putting together a DVD of photos and video of their mother for them. X-SIL suggested that I take XH out to lunch that day.
So...........I guess I am still on the rollercoaster (blech!!!!!) but eyeing my September re-evaluation date. I'm sharing all of this information in the hopes that it can help us put the puzzle pieces together for one another. I am in the process of filling my dance card for the summer with fun activities with friends and family. I already have some fun events planned.
It snowed on the baseball game earlier this week. 
