The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[abbey1989]

Had a rough day yesterday. I knew where H was headed. That's all it took to ruin my day.

When I came home, he was working on the garden fence. He had started laundry (probably to wash the riding clothes that were not used or even dirty so I wouldn't know that he probably didn't go riding). Who knows!

Later in the day I took a walk with my Ipod, saw him on the road and asked if he wanted to join me on my walk....he said not really. I was sad, I think he could tell. I need to stop letting his whereabouts effect my mood! I don't know how to do that though.

About a mile into my walk, he drove up behind me on his motorcycle and asked if I wanted to go for a ride. So I did! It was so fun. I have never in my life been on a motorcycle before. Pretty exhilarating.

Later we played basketball, catch with a softball and later bocce ball at the park with D17 and her BF. The 4 of us took the convertible out and went for pizza. It was a warm SoCal night. Felt like summer!

After we went to bed, I woke up around 2ish and COULD NOT get back to sleep. Tossed, turned, and replayed all of the lies in my head. I was tempted to go look for the secret cell phone. H doesn't know that I know where he keeps the spare key to his locked toolbox on his truck. I haven't had the guts to do it. And honestly when I find it....then what? I am just making myself CRAZY!

One good day.....one bad. Up and down. I started looking for a counselor. I need to read some more self help books. Trying to get out of this funk. My self esteem seems damaged beyond repair at this point.

H asked this a.m. again, why he thought I couldn't sleep. I wanted to say that he should know why I can't sleep. I can't get past the voicemail message that he left for OW (but on my cell phone). Him calling her "Babe". I mean who does that? I am haunted by it. There is not a single hour that goes by when I don't think about it.

This a.m., H and I went to the coast for a walk. It was absolutely beautiful. Perfect beach weather. We sat on a rock and watched the surfers for awhile. I was pretty quiet (I'm usually a bit of a talker when we're together). I let him offer conversation which turned out to be very surface level. This is where we are after 22 years of marriage. Surface level conversation where I feel like I can't talk at all about our R.

H just left with a friend of ours to go looking at bikes. He'll be gone for awhile.

Thanks for listening....