25yrs I wrote a response but it didn't post so here I go again.
I agree with your assesment. It is very frustrating, and very hard to understand how such a HD person like her rejects me, yet at the same time is insanely jealous. She always talks about the "spark" being gone, and about how she no longer feels attracted, and how she has to be in the mood. Yet every time I try to get here there she just get angry. It's like she has to feel overwhelmingly in the mood to do it, otherwise it is not worth it. If I try to get her in the mood, then she is really not in the mood, and I am a jerk for it. Confusing huh...
The only insight I have into it comes from NMMNG.
1. I am (or was) afraid of her leaving.
2. It makes me be willing to have her walk all over me.
3. This makes me look weak.
4. Weak is unattractive.
5. She doesn't feel attracted to me, thus does not want sex.
6. I freak out and start trying to win her over, through being nice.
7. She resents me even more for it, decides I only do things when I want something.
8. I start resenting the fact that she does not appreciate my efforts, and lash out at her by being passive agressive, by trying to guilt her, or becoming distant.
9. This confirms to her that all I want is sex, and not to be nice to her...
10. She clams up even more, I try even harder.... it becomes a vicious cycle.
In the case that I do get her into bed....
1. Something happens that puts her overwhelmingly in the mood, since it doesnt happen naturally (ie alcohol)
2. She approaches me.... I enthusiastically accept.
3. I worry about "doing my best" the end result is actually very mechanical, not spontaneous, no magic, or crazy energy. Just me worried about being "good enough"
4. It is reinforced to her that while good, there was no magic.
5. She clams up even more.
6. Feels that I pulled a fast one on her to get some
7. I as an idiot try to replicate the circumstances to get more "bad sex" she sees through this. Clams up even more....
According to NMMNG what I can do
1. Stop pursuing ml
2. Stop doing nice things, only do what is necessary (its not about being a jerk, but more about no longer doing things expecting to get something in return, pathological nice guys are notorious for this, to include me)
3. Do not hide your emotions, especially when you disagree. This just leads to resentment and more passive agressiveness.
4. Stand your ground and don't be so quick to give in. Show some strength.
5. Get your validation from other male friends not her (a version of GAL)
6. Do manly things you, and by extension her can be proud about. (Even more GAL)
This is what I inferred from the book, it has given me a road map. We are actually not in the best grounds, right now. I am doing my best not to give in and to go pursue her.
