Can't believe it - May has arrived! This means 10 years since my Ex's affair with his co-worker began and our lives were turned upside down. Our 25th anniversary in the midst of the chaos and horror (he was a verbally abusive man). The terrifying episodes. The extreme fear of the future. The end of our lives as we knew it. The despair. And then the small attempts to rebuild a life. The leaving of the Dream house we had built but a move to a smaller more affordable "Me House". And now that is ending too.
Yesterday (after spending weeks followed by INTENSE days of sorting, packing and then TOSSING)- I called my agent and listed my house for sale. Strangely - he had got a similar call the day before from the purchasers of my previous house - it is being sold too - Why? Because they are getting a divorce too!. Hmmm..
My long posts get jumpy and hard to write so I'll do this in a couple.
Anyway...
My move is to my new life. 3 hours away from here in northern Ontario. A lakehouse near my cottage. I am listing the cottage next week to also sell. And the new house is with my new man. Hard to believe Josh and I have been together 7 years! We just completed a renovation in the new house - a gorgeous handicapped bathroom with laundry adjacent to my son, Ryan's room. He will be moving with me tommorrow. It is a great setup for him and I have worked intensely the past few months arranging good care for him at the lake.
Ashley (now 22) moved into an apt a month ago today. She took one of our kitties - Tango and I will be taking the other - Blu. I am also getting a new ragdoll kitten 2 weeks from today. Bought him before he was born. His name will be Riley. Josh is at the new house putting up making some small modifications to make things safer for the kitties and Ryan.
And my ex and I made some kind of peace a few months ago when Ryan had a horrific illness in hospital and almost didn't make it. It was time to set aside our petty differences and just be there as co-parents. Something we were never able to achieve before.
Don't like my ex one iota. He made my life miserable for years and has done little to fix his R with his kids. But it is what it is. Perhaps with Ashley having an apt - he can visit her easier (she would NEVER go to his house and be around his OW - her choice nor would my other son). But strangely - the man who always balked at child support and gave as little as possible - stopped by her work yesterday and gave her $40 - "to help her out". Ummm - he also brought in his "grandchild". OW's son's girlfriend got pregnant and somehow he calls this child his grandson. My kids think that's creepy. But anyway - he is still being manipulative. No doubt "maggot"(forgive me - I still think the name is appropriate - LOL) put him up to it. They are still trying everything to coerce the kids into being a part of their lives but they've never tried making any REAL effort. Like Chuck taking the kids away for a weekend. Maggot won't allow it. A loss for all. She insists on being part of it - or nothing.
Anyway. I started letting him come here after Ryan got sick a few months ago and it was harder to take him out for visiting. Through the separate entrance to Ryan's room. But last week - I was away and my daughter let him into the main part of the house (something I would never allow). Of course I was packing and the house never looked worse. And he told both her and Ryan's nurse how awful the house was. Yep - like it was his business. And criticized all the fixups we had done. Lousy job on the laminate floor and painting as he could have done better. Yep - some things never change!
Summation: Life after divorce can be wonderful. There never were any guarantees in life. We do the best we can with the hand we were dealt.
Some people told me after Chuck left me that no man would ever want me - I had a severely disabled son - who could take on that? But Josh is a special man. Never had children of his own. He does more for Ryan than Ryan's own father is doing. He is making sure that everything is in place for Ryan to have a great life. Chuck has not even asked about Ryan's needs. I think he just knows that "Barb will take care of it".
Am I a bit afraid? Yes. Although I love the house and the lake - I really don't have any friends there yet. And I will miss my friends very much. But they will visit and I'll go back. I am missing my dad, my daughter and my extended family. I already miss my other son so that won't be much different. And everyone is so excited about visiting that it will be a really busy summer.
So I guess what I'm saying is - rebuild your life. Trust that it will all work out. Take chances. Believe. There is sunshine after the rain. If you let it happen. Figure out what you want. Go for it. Ignore the naysayers.
God only gave me one life - I intend to make the most of it!
God bless you Barb in your brand new home and life! I wish you much happiness and the best of everything. You, Josh and Ryan will be an amazing team! And come on...you will have zillions of friends within the year - of that I have no doubt!
I admire your courage and fortitude. You're like me ... the would "can't" isn't in our vocabulary!
Chuck and Maggot deserve each other. And P.S. he's clearly still not over you or your life if he's still thinking about how "he" could/would have done a "better" job with projects in your home.
Ironically it's a reflection of how connected he still feels to you! He's still possessive! LOL! Gotta love these idiots!
Barb, I couldn't be happier to read your post today. There is a life after D, it is as good as we choose to make it and you have chosen wonderfully for yourself!
Blessings to you and your beautiful family. I have no doubt that this new adventure will prove to be as successful and fulfilling as you hope for it to.
HUGS!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Yeah, Barb, I was laying out in my bikini in my beautiful new backyard today thinking about the two lovely guys I've dated in the last month and my upcoming trip to London with my mom and sis and the performance I have to rehearse for with my rock band as soon as I get back. I never imagined my post-divorce life would be so good!!!!
How lovely to read your posts tonight. Each of you is doing so well yet choosing to handle your Post Divorce differently. I love hearing all the cool activities you have chosen. I think sometimes we get so lost in our roles as spouses and parents so we forget to do the things we really love to do.
Summer - I have always respected your insight. Never thought about it but I think you're right. He always feels that he could have would have should have done sonething - though he never does. I guess that is still a connection. I just know that I barely give him a thought anymore.
Thanks Mishka! I love hearing from you too! I guess we just have to remember that the world is our oyster and we have hundreds of options available to us at any given time.
Ellie: I had to laugh when I read your post. You are really getting into you "life after divorce"in a big way. That is too cool! I really love hearing about your band. It's not what lots of people would do but perfect for you.
Had a great evening out with Ashley. As I had hoped - her moving out was good for our relationship. We did fight A LOT at home. But tonight we went to Red Lobster and had a great dinner and lovely conversation. She just wrote her final exam (and felt she aced it). She will graduate soon with her nutrition degree. And she gave me early Mother's Day gifts since we won't be together. Sweet things she knows I love - bath gel, a cute Frog statue (I collect Frogs) and 2 of my fav things - Strawberry Twizzlers and a Toblerone bar! I was touched.
