Somewhere between filing and D

[jon2911]

No contact for a few days, then some nice texting Friday night. W was helping SIL with a garage sale on Friday. She's so good at that stuff, and I told her that. She said she and SIL are two peas in a pod.

She called early Saturday morning to get the specs on her laptop she's trying to sell. I played some disc golf with friends, hit the gym after that, took a nap and then meet K4D and FaithfulH for some fantastic barbecue and DB chat.

New perspectives that I took away:
- definitely needs to be a cutting off if W finalizes the D. Not really a need to tell her that, she seems to know it already, let it play out.
- of her options for moving, she would be miserable in New York. She hates cold, and mountains. There's still snow on the ground right now. FaithfulH moved to Texas from the East Coast, says there's no way she could do it. Not that I want her to be miserable, but good to know.
- she has family issues, health issues, financial issues, it's a lot at once
- don't fight the D, but don't help either. Make her do everything, appointments, etc.

This last one is interesting, it worked in FaithfulH's case. W had been agitated when she visited, telling me I needed to respond to her L and get things moving while she was in New York. I drew the line, told her there's a 60-day waiting period, and that I would NOT be doing anything while she was out of state. She ended up not even sending the papers before she left. That is, if they exist at all.

W called a few times while we were out, I decided I was out with my boys and too busy. They liked that. Finally she texted "sale went well, I'm going to bed" and I called it a night with them.

We talked for almost an hour on my way home. BIL is sold his car at the garage sale, which I thought was hilarious. I told her I'm about to accept an offer on my truck. She laughed and said "I'll believe it when I see it". It came up that I'm in a rental car, and she asked why. I didn't feel like hiding it, so told her about the motorcycle. Also told her things are under control.

She said "I'm so sorry you have to go through this". She also got quiet and said she and SIL had passed a motorcycle wreck on the way to NY. It had just happened, and there was blood and body parts across the highway. Wow. She said "this country isn't set up to only have a motorcycle. You're next to 18-wheelers all the time. I worry about you".

This is intersting, because the Harley was W's idea. Early in our separation, and she loved it. We had her gear and everything, which she still has. We used to take rides all the time, but now her head hurts too much, and her world has gotten so small.

She started saying I needed something reliable, with A/C, and then said "I'll stop". I told her it's under control, that it [censored] but I have a lot of friends helping me, including the finance manager at BMW. She liked that I'm helping him write a song in exchange for help.

So that goes to FaithfulH's final point. He says our spouses will always be hyper-critical until they get back on their own two feet. And in his sitch, he was very careful to not berate his W to the kids. He had to take it while she said horrible things about him. Now, 4 years later, the kids are starting to see his side, that his W had a lot to work on herself. He said God is just and works it out in the end. I think that goes for all family and outside people.

It's good to get some outside perspective. I see now how ridiculous it is for someone in W's situation to be criticizing my job, my car, that I don't own a house, etc. I'm drawing the line on that, and cutting her off when she goes into FIL's tone and advice-giving mode. It's changing the dynamic already.