Unwavering hostility

[Sanderika]

Ladies,

I think the answers lie in our H's life.

For my situation and many just like mine, I took a long hard look at H's life from a small boy until the day he left, our H/XH never really grew up and that is a huge piece in this puzzle.

I will lay out my H's life in a nutshell, it will help you all if you are able to do the same. You will see the answers as to why they have ended up in a MLC and why they turn away from their children. Mine has done both of these things.

My H was the third son of four.

My H never felt like he was a member of the family.

My H felt like his parents/brothers/authority figures...teachers and coaches, etc...hated him. So...likewise he decided he didn't like people and he became a loner.

As a child, my H was expected to behave like an adult with adult like chores/obligations and was constantly being left alone to fend for himself. Parents were selfish role models.

Hooked up with me at 15 and Married me at 20. Never really got to sow his oats.

H started his own business at age 19, so he wouldn't have to answer to anyone. This company is first in his life and the only true love of his life. He is a huge success with this endeavor. This has helped to inflate the ego.

H had cancer at 26, it went into remission at age 29. This left H with the attitude that he was going to live his life his way regardless of others thoughts and desires, including me.

He became a parent at 32. Never bonded with son because of his selfishness and unwillingness to grow up. I know he felt jilted by me at this point because I turned some attentions away from H and dotted on my new little son. H at that point in life did not want to have to stop his socializing and free spirited lifestyle to be a responsible parent. His selfish ways were obvious to all. Harry Chapin's song, Cats in the Cradle, could have been written about my H.

I became severely depressed when I was 37. H did not have the ability to cope and support me through this. It did not conform to his selfish desires because I was unable to do, do, do for him during this period in my life.

BTW, H and I are the same age...He is exactly 1 month older than me. We grew up together. I know all about him.

At age 41 H lost his mother to cancer. This devastated him. I know he had unfinished business with her. He yearned for her love and attention and she was the first to actually forsake him.
She would ship him off the her mother's at every turn because she never bonded with him.

At age 41 H was burned in a propane explosion and could have very likely been killed. This incident further instilled his thoughts about his own mortality.

H left me two weeks after he turned 42. Blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life. Rewriting history. Abandoned and neglected son to the point they are virtual strangers now. Son has lived the age of 9 to 15 without a Dad. Before that H was here but only as a father.

H was destined to have a MLC. I was once told some men have Peter Pan Syndrome from the onset of adulthood. These men will always lean to the wild and free spirited personality.

H now lives in a world where it is all "me and mine". He is very defensive and cannot accept any fault. He is very quick to criticize.

IMO, they cannot fully reunite to their children.

They would have to humble themselves to their kids and seek acceptance. They do not feel like they did anything wrong, so to say sorry and want acceptance and forgiveness makes no sense to them.

They cannot see why they are being treated as outsiders by their children because they cannot visualize and acknowledge the pain they have caused to their children and their families as a whole.

They want the children to accept their choices and decisions as they are without prejudice. The kids have been severely damaged by the person they felt would never forsake them....a parent. It would take too much work for the MLCer. The MLCer always takes the path of least resistance.

The MLCer parent has to be the one to extend the olive branch, IMO.

The children have us. They have grown accustomed to life with one parent, they reached the point of "do not care any longer" ........long before we did. They are unlikely to reach out to them. They want apologies. It can't be just words...actions have to be included. MLCer cannot be honest.

This will hopefully give you all some things to compare to in your situations. I am sure your H's lives are very different. I am sure there will be many similarities.

Sanderika