Am I on the right track?

[NEmoose43]

Well, feeling low today. Always rough to have a day off when W isn't going to be around.

She is up at school studying and hanging out with friends today. I know her EA is probably around as the class they are both in has a study group today. Scares the poop out of me to think that she's really going up there to see him, but it doesn't change what I'm doing as far as DB goes.

Spoke to her on the phone for a bit while she was driving up. She asked how my DB coaching went today...told her it really helped me realize a lot of things about myself that I wanted to change. I think W felt that the coaching sessions were a ploy to try and figure out how to get her back, and though that's my end goal, I think it helps her to hear that Laurie really focuses things on me. Yeah it's about saving my M, but I really like the person that I've become.

My only question is what to do when W heads back to the house tonight. She has already said she may just go back to her parents, and I told her that was perfectly cool, and that I would never tell her not to go if that's what she wanted. I'm trying to be as accomodating as possible to help her get through finals next week.

I really want to ask her about the following week though...her original plan was to return home to try and put some effort into the M after her finals were done. Now I think my conversations from yesterday may have jeopardized that. And I don't want to pressure her any more than I already have since I know it will only push her further.

I know I need to set boundaries, because if she spends more time at school, the thought of the OM being nearby scares me. But I know that she needs to be up there to do well. I hope that she will just tell me what she's planning to do so I don't have to ask. Again, it won't change what I'm going to do at all, but I'd just like to know what her plans are.

Man, I'm really over the barrel here, but it feels like we are getting close to some sort of tipping point for this whole fiasco. She's swinging like a pendulum, and I just hope that she swings further towards me when she finally does make a decision. It's this being in limbo that kills me. She keeps saying that she hates feeling like it's all on her shoulders...I want to scream that all she has to do is decide to let me back in and all that will go away.

Man I hope I can find the patience to let her do what she needs to do to get back to us, or to walk away forever. Again, it doesn't change what I'm doing for and about myself, but being the LBS is like being stuck in purgatory.

[NEmoose43]

Well, things just got worse, and now I'm super suspicious.

W just called from school and told me she was going to stay with her friend at school tonight, that she "just couldn't come home right now after last night". I told her I understood, but then it occurred to me that she didn't bring a change of clothes with her today. I asked her if she had anything and she said she didn't but she just couldn't come home. I said I totally understood, I stayed very upbeat and actually changed the subject to ask how her day went. She talked about some things she had picked up for her mom for Mother's Day and told me about what they'd accomplished studying. We chatted normally for a minute and then I told her I understood again why she wasn't coming back down. Said I knew that she knew how I felt and what I wanted to happen with us, and I was willing to give her whatever space she needed to deal with what she's going through. Finished by saying I hoped she and her friend had a great night and that I'd probably be going to a friends house to watch the UFC fights tonight. She said she was happy I was going out and that she'd try to get in touch before she went to bed.

So now I'm sitting here thinking that she's with OM, and that I drove her to it. It doesn't change my DB strategy, it doesn't change what I want the outcome to be, and it doesn't change what I'm going to do. It just hurts. I know I need to let go, but how is it that someone who acknowledges how much I love her can potentially just walk away from what we've built together. Yeah it's flawed, and so are we, but why can't she see that if she makes the choice to give us another shot that I would never let her down?

I know, I know, I'm asking impossible questions. Just at a really really low point tonight.

[islander]

I actually had been reading your sitch and thought that you were doing pretty good, except for the some of the pressure you applied in your convo (but I have been know to fail miserably here). I think that your W is showing real interest and is CLOSE to coming back and working on the M. Just have patience. You may be closer than you think.

And try not to think about OM and IF or WHAT your W may be doing. It won't change anything.

I know I am stating the impossible, but I do believe you are closer than you think.

[~¤DG¤~]

Moose, I totally get where your coming from.
I agree that the limbo feeling is probably one of the worst feelings one can feel, but you just have to give her the space she needs.

I know your hurting and I know this is hard. Very hard.
You CAN do this.

[NEmoose43]

Thanks Islander, I really appreciate the vote of confidence.

Turns out I overreacted. She got in touch again to ask me about the fights and talked a little bit about tomorrow. Also mentioned she'd be interested in going to a yoga class with me tomorrow if I was still up for it. So I was a little dumbfounded, maybe she just needed to cool off?

And if she's the kind of person that would be with the OM and be talking to me at the same time...well, I don't want to think that way, but I would NOT want to be with a person who could do something like that.

Gotta focus on me, get right with myself, and let her come back on her terms and when she wants to. And if she doesn't, then I'll hopefully have learned a lot more about myself.

Moose

[NEmoose43]

Thanks DG...that's something that my DB coaching is really helping with.

Trying to concentrate on maintaining the great connection and friendship we've always had while not pushing on the R talk. Man its tough though. You get those positive comments on the R and it just makes you want to dig deeper.

[NEmoose43]

Oh Lord, why can't I get control of my thoughts???

I woke up at 6 this morning firmly convinced that W was with OM last night. Must have been dreaming about it because my heart was absolutely pounding and I was covered in sweat. Got up and went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face, and when I came back to bed, one of our dogs was having a seizure...what else can possibly go wrong at this point???

I finally got him calmed down and laid in the bed with him for a while before I had to get up and get ready for work. Texted wife several times to let her know what was going on. I saw that the messages were delivered, which meant her phone was on. So I called and left a couple frantic messages. This is actually her dog in that we picked him out for her 6 years ago, so I knew she would want to know. And the seizures have happened to him before, so I have my father watching him but I wanted W to know in case she wanted to take care of him today.

Finally got a call back as I was arriving at work. Told her what had happened and that I was sorry to bug her but I knew she would want to know. Told her it really freaked me out and I was sorry for sounding so nuts on my voicemails, but this was just too much to handle with everything else that's going on.

She's on her way back to the house to study and take care of the dog now...so I don't know how to act when I get home. As worried as I am about the dog, I don't know if I'll be able to hide my concern about where she was last night. If there's something else going on, I'm hoping she'll just tell me and put me out of my misery.

I don't know what to do anymore.

[ninelives]

Moose:

I may be wrong but I think its time to be honest with yourself about some things.

WEre you more concerned about the dog or getting ahold of her?
I think you just wanted contact and to somehow convince yourself that she wasnt with OM.

IVe been there and it hurts like hell everytime you think she is with him. I live in a very small town and have to see his truck in her driveway once in a while. STill hurts but I dont let it consume me like i once did.

This is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but you MUST make peace with it. Im not saying you have to like it or agree with what she is doing , BUT this falls into the realm of things you CANNOT control and since you CANT. You have some choices to make.

A) Accept it and deal with it the best you can

B) Reject the very notion of it and let it drive you insane because it will.

I am JUST now getting to the point where I know that it goes on, and I feel really bad about it , but i focus on other things to get through. The sun WILL come up tommorrow.

Please dont think Im being insensetive about your feelings.
I thought I was going to DIE and words cannot express the hurt and betrayal I felt. But ultimately, what could I do about it?

If i want her back ( and I am starting to doubt that I do) I have to be the BEST me that I can be and show her ; not tell her ; that I am a BETTER alternative than what she is with.

So HOw do you act when she comes back.

1) Not so NEEDY or Clingy.. You handled that poorly. Way too many texts. Just ONE text to tell her is all you need. Its like pulling a trigger harder on a gun, wont make the bullet fly faster.

2) Be concerned about the dog, but have solutions on hand. Be calm and in control.

3) DONT ASK ABOUT OM!!! This will put her on defensive.

MOOSE, I have made sooooo many mistakes dealing with my wife and WHY. Because I am a passionate mediterranian that often has let emotions prevail. Get control of yourelf and show her a smart, intelligent MOOSE that is worth coming back to.

Keep the dumb one in Riverdale.

9

[NEmoose43]

9, you are so right. Had a long talk with a good friend today about not doing ANYTHING with expectations, but doing things only out of unconditional love...for W and for myself. Tough to do, I know, but that's the goal.

The dog thing was just the last thing I needed after yesterday...and he's fine by the way, turns out seizures are common in his breed due to dehydration. Poor little guy, he's had a rough day just like his dad!

Anyway, quick update. W hung around at the house until I got home from work today to say goodbye...I took this as a really good sign. If she was really upset or didn't care, she wouldn't have wanted to see me at all. Finals for the end of her first year of grad school this week, so I won't be seeing her until at least Saturday, if not later. Here's what I told her:

M - "W, I realized in my [DB coaching] session yesterday that I've been incredibly selfish by always having to talk to you about things. When we have talked about things, my reactions have put expectations on every response that you've made, and that is not fair to you, regardless of whether I had those expectations intentionally or not. And those expectations have made it next to impossible for you to get right with yourself, which is the reason you wanted some time apart in the first place. I understand now that you wanted to be happy with yourself before you could even attempt to be happy about you and I."

W - That's it exactly...I haven't been able to find the words to tell you that, but you hit the nail on the head there.

M - I know, and you thought if you said that I'd take it as some sort of guarantee right?

W - Yup.

M - I also know that I've promised to give you space and not keep bringing this up, and I haven't done that. And I know that makes you think "How can I trust the promises he wants to make about being married to me if I can't even trust him to put a sock in it when he says he's going to."

..she just smiled at me and nodded and said "You're pretty smart sometimes Moose...but then again, you can be pretty dumb." And we both laughed. Really nice moment.

So I wished her luck on her exams and told her she knew where I was if she needed anything. She said thanks and that I can always text or call if I need anything, and said that we'd talk next weekend when school was done. Had a nice hug goodbye, she kissed me on the cheek and I kissed her forehead, and we left it at that. No tears, no begging, and we both left smiling.

So, now comes a tough week. Not going dark exactly, but this has to be the week where I really detach and let her do what she needs to do. Gotta put the GAL machine into overdrive this week. But do I avoid contacting her at all??? Or only when it's natural? Anyone have any advice?

[♪CS♪]

Gotta put the GAL machine into overdrive this week. But do I avoid contacting her at all??? Or only when it's natural? Anyone have any advice?

If you REALLY do #1, the rest WILL be natural.

Don't OVER game it.

Be yourself.

Be the best you can be.

That's all we can do.

Here are some words of encouragement. You caught this early. You are in a good spot. PLEASE don't waste it.

In some ways it is harder to be where you are. Everything you do is visible. That challenge is also a opportunity.

Every second you see her is an opportunity to show the new YOU.

It does have to be real though, otherwise...