Another New Day 3

[NEmoose43]

Islander and 9, if you guys can swing some of the 2x4's my way I'd appreciate it. This vicious cycle seems to catch all of us...it's the merry-go-round that nobody can seem to get off of for various reasons.

EAs, OMs, MLCs...it continues to baffle me that so many people are going through almost exactly the same things here that I am. Heck, even some of the things our WAS's are saying are the same damn thing!

It's funny, I've been sad, I've been happy about my own changes, and I've even tried the anger route once on my W...I think in my case the fact that I'm showing emotion at all kind of freaks her out. It's a "where was this before" sort of reaction from her if you know what I mean.

I don't know how she behaves toward other people, and like you Islander, I'm trying not to think about it. But it's so funny when mutual friends tell me that they know how much she loves me. I know they're trying to help, but it makes me feel like s$@&. If she loves me, why isn't she here trying as hard as I am to save this, right?

Patience and time, and I know we're all beating a dead horse saying that, but I guess we can all only hope that the changes we've made for ourselves become evident to all our WAS's at some point.

[islander]

I have actually been wondering whether all of our WASs have a support group like this that helps with there decision to leave. I can just imagine the advice they get, since they all seem to say the same things.

-show interest and give hope, then do a massive pullback, crushing them

-rewrite your past with them, telling them you were never happy

-assure them the kids will be fine, they will bounce back

And I could keep going

[♪CS♪]

LOL man. I think you're giving them WAY too much credit!

I think the problem is, they're not thinking at all. They're feeling.

Goes to show you how irrational people are when they act off of emotion and not logic.

Sound like any of us sometimes?

[NEmoose43]

-show interest and give hope, then do a massive pullback, crushing them

-rewrite your past with them, telling them you were never happy

-assure them the kids will be fine, they will bounce back

And I could keep going

Wonder how many of the LBS's have heard exactly these things. I'm tempted to head down to Barnes and Noble and see if there's a book on how to be a WAS...we all read DR, maybe there's a WASR out there too. Sure would make this easier if we could take a look at those pages!

[islander]

I had a little communication with W today via tm about the bills she was paying. She contacted me about one of them and to let me know what she paid. I questioned her about our car ins that is due at the end of the month and she said she didn't know if we would have enough to pay it in full. I pointed out that she went on several small trips and spent the money that WE had set aside for that and our taxes. I also pointed out that I am spending as little as I can and not taking trips anywhere.

She got defensive and said she could just start paying half of the bills if I wanted to start bi!ching at her.

Just bf she sent that tm, I sent her one stating that I did not want to argue, that I was just concerned about our bills. We got each others messages at the same time, and she replied for me not to worry.

I guess I corrected myself at the right time. But I am concerned about our bills. I don't think she is spending as much as she was, but I really don't know.

If she just paid half of tue bills, I couldn't afford mine right now.

My W leaves and now I am still dependent on her, and it seems to make things that much harder to really detach.

Atleast she is making sure the bills get paid RIGHT NOW.

It just adds to my stress. I need to get a job that pays more money, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I don't feel like much of a man right now when I can't support myself. Doesn't do much for the self esteem.

Like many of us, when we built our house, we based everything on both o our incomes. She just happens to make more then me. Issues I tieless I will have to come to terms and deal with.

[islander]

Well, I was supposed to meet my W tomorrow morning to finish our discussion from the other day. She was supposed to come to our house in the morning so we could talk...yes about the R....I know I know.

W tm me today and said she had a lot of stuff to do and wanted to talk over breakfast somewhere near her apt. I declined and said I would rather talk at our house. She said she wasn't canceling, but had things she needed to do. I stopped resounding to her texts and don't think I will for a while.

Bf the 2x4s come

I never like to discuss anything in public. It is to hard to talk seriously.

I don't think it would do me any good to meet her for breakfast anyway. Almost everything she says is littered with lies. I dont think we would make it through the meal anyway.

I get home from work this morning and pick D and SD up from my inlaws and take them to school. SD tell me she went to the beach during the day yesterday with her mom and OM.

This hurts me so much when she tells me. The pain of her A seems to get worse the more she brings it around my SD.

My SD was noticeably agitated today, and she usually is after seeing her mom and being around OM. We had a great few days together, went to church yesterday, SD was very caring and happy, then the next day almost the complete opposite. I know this is hard on her too, why doeesnt W see or care what she is doing. (btw, that is not a real question).

Anyway, I think it is time for me to go completely dark. I got sucked in and spit out again. My fault.

The only communication I really need to have is about bills, and I can do that in emails. So I should be ok there.

[ninelives]

Sorry to hear about your pain Islander. You know I can relate and YES , Perhaps going dark is your best bet but it is difficult.

Read and reread 25's posts to 2step and try and follow those to the letter. The make sooooo much sense. It would be the best at this stage.

Stand away from theh burner, as it hurts. Try and heal Islander and make some goals for yourself.

I havent really seen you making any movement to getting a life.

It will help in the long run. If she comes back, and this is a HUGE IF, then be healty.

We cant dancing around this.

9

[jbnati]

Sorry to hear about all that, islander. That is very painful for anyone. IMO that's a classless act to expose your SD to the A so flagrantly.

I would agree, your best bet is to go dark. It sounds like you've tried what doesn't work. You've made your mistake, recognize it, decide what you're going to do differently, and move on.

[ninelives]

BTW, it was a classless act by your W. But she is on her own agenda now. Others feelings dont really count. You will see this from time to time. ITS ALL ABOUT HER and the influence of the OM.

Be strong and handle it well. Navigate like this is what you expect and DONT let her get to you.


9

[islander]

I just reread 25s advice to 2step. It takes a while to read. I gooe I am strong enough to follow it. I know as others have said, life will take care of my W. She will suffer the guilt of this one day. It is not my place to make her feel guilt, or anything else for that matter.

I am just exhausted once again. I married her for life, not for a little while. And I believe she did too, at first.

I really need to accept what is halpening in my life and live in it, not deny it.

I know with out a doubt, I am better than I was bf. Then I k ew I could never live in our house without her. Now, I know I am not leaving our house bc she left. This is still my home, and I will not let her take that away from me. I am strong enough to make this MY home.