25yrs, cat Well some interesting things happened last night. While at dinner, we were having a good time when she mentioned something about pregnancy. I said "don't even joke about that" She said "well you' don't have to worry it has been over 3 months" To which I replied: "no 1.5" She then said "no 3", I said "trust me 1.5". she then looks at me gets real angry, and said "oh so you HAVE been messing around, I told you, you could, but I didn't want you telling me if you did!" I looked at her shocked and said "what?! no I haven't! I swear." She just said that it didn't matter because that was the type of marriage we had, and she didn't want to discuss it. I found it ridiculous that she would think such a thing and started laughing. She got even more upset, and said: I can't believe you think I did, after all I have done, and how much you know it's not what I want. She tells me she doesn't want to talk about it. So I drop it. We finish dinner drive home, we are still trying to have a good night by going to the movies. Right before we leave I decide to grow a pair and tell her. "We ML when you got back that was exactly 1.5 months ago, because you were set to start that new job a week before on the 17th. I haven't done anything, and will not!" We get in the car, she said "I don't care, I don't want to talk about it". (It's amazing how something she claims to want so badly, bothers her so much). We start driving towards the theater, she starts saying "if this is bothering you so much what's the point" to which I respond "it is bothering, I want it to stop." She says then what's the point lets just get divorced. "What do you mean what's the point, do you really want other people that badly?" She says "no I just don't want you". "I haven't done anything, but don't worry I will take care of it this week" I just try to tell to myself, "this is just the anger, she was all over me yesterday, this is just more emotional terrorism, dont let her emotionally blackmail you". Then I felt bad because I hadn't called my mother yet, (she just had surgery yesterday) I tell her I can't go to the movies. I need to call my mom. I talked with my mom for about 20 minutes. Afterwards my W could tell I was upset, and immediately started reaching out to me. She asks if there is anything she could do. I tell her I want this and grab her and sit her on my lap. (I shocked myself I haven't been able to be this assertive in months.) Long story short we went into a long conversation where I told her about how I had read NMMNG, and how it had opened my eyes. I told her about my toxic shame, my need for approval, my need for stealth contracts, and how I resented when she didn't appreciate my efforts, which led to more clinginess on my part. I told her I understood that she didn;t think me sexy because I was soo damn needy. I also told her how it had made me so desperate for her approval that I was willing to take her treating me badly. I told her I wanted it to stop. She asked for specific examples, and I really wanted to get to the hot burning questions concerning her lack of respect for our M. I instead decided to mention minor incidents in which I accepted bad treatment. (I chickened out I know...) It seems we made a lot of progress but she cut it short, because I had promised her ice cream, and they were closing. For the sake of continuing a smooth conversation without resentments I agreed. We spent the rest of the night talking and having a good time, but didn't veer towards the important stuff.
Now here is where I need advice. I have been trying to tackle issues of respect as they arise. In other words wait for her to do or say something disrespectul, hold my ground, and show her I won't be bullied. After reading and re-reading both your comments I can tell both of you want me to take a more direct approach. I'll be honest....I am clueless and don't know how. I need some suggestions, maybe even step by step directions. Do you guys want a direct confrontation? If so how? when? where? What should I say or do. I think i finally get what you guys want me to do, I just don't know how. I feel like I almost need someone to hold me by the hand. It's sad I know.
