Half in and half out... How do I move forward?

[barnaby]

Glad you found your way here. Have you read the Divorce Remedy book? If not, you need to ASAP.

What are the ages of you and H?

Does his job call for him to be gone from home extended times?

Hey!

Not read it but got to get it asap.

I am 33, he is 30. Been together 4 years.

No re: the job. Just your Mon-Fri working week.

Hi barnaby,

Welcome to divorcebusting.com!

It is so hard to be in this situation, and get so much advice and not really know which piece of advice to use.

The BEST 180 is the one that is the opposite of his stereotype of you, not the opposite of you being nice or accommodating. If you want to draw a hard line, you need to be the most attractive option--the option that makes him happier.

He has a foot out the door, and that is looking the most attractive to him. Taking the hard line will probably give you the OPPOSITE of what you want it to do.


Assuming what you want is him back in, fully committed to your marriage, you will need to go about it differently. Find out what his complaints are (you seem to have done that) and do more of what works to make it workable for the both of you, and honestly, at this point right now, you would have to give more.

I feel this is probably not what you want to hear right now. But it will have a better chance at working.

I want to hear what works. I'm floundering. I am "nice". I give. A lot. He knows I want him back and he has been using this to carry on as if we are together without having both feet in, if you like. I HAD to draw the line- it is completely unfair tomy older kids to have him at home whilst he isn't sure if he wants to be part of this family- ie a stepfather to them.

His issue is that he would prefer the family to be me, him and our biological children. And try as I might, I simply CAN'T change that. How do I make that the more attractive option? The way I see it is ultimately, he is the one who has to decide if he is prepared to work through his feelings. He has swayed towards this the other day. But keeps circling back again to not knowing if he can do it.

The closest I've come to working out if I have a part in this is listening. Listening to his feelings. Understanding. Empathy. I don't know beyond that right now.