I am so sorry that you are in so much pain and find yourself here.
Quote:
I was wrong to be hopeful – the 180 had the completely opposite result of what I first thought.
A 180 shouldn't be used as a ploy or with expectations.
This is all so fresh for you, and believe me when I say I understand.
There is no trick to DB. Ultimately, it's all about you. You have absolutely no control over anyone else in your life. Ever. The idea is to look at yourself and really be "aware" of who you are. Are you the woman you always wanted to be?
Most of us, (after the shock subsides) find that there are things we don't really care for in our behaviors, attitudes, physical being. Making changes for yourself may (or may not) have him look back at some point. How are you different (other than more mature) than you were when the two of you met? Are you (really) happy with the differences?
I will tell you I was not. If you are in fact 35, I've got a couple of weeks on you (to put it mildly). You may well still be in shock. Your mind may be racing and every thought is consumed with him and your relationship.
You need to take care of yourself. Going to the Dr. is a good start.
Post here as much as you need to. This is the place to air all of your thoughts and feelings.
Suicide, I have too much experience here. I will say that you do not sound like the type of woman that would knowingly torment those you love. Suicide does that in ways you can't imagine.
We all understand the pain. I will not say it gets better quickly. You deserve to live an amazing life. A life with with love, joy and laughter, even if it isn't with him. I know how hard it is to see that right now. I also know you need to focus on yourself and show you just how much you are loved by the only person that can possibly be there for you always and that's you.
Keep the crisis hotline number on you. Program it into your cell phone.
