To H3ll and Back

[saffie]

I let OW live in my head for far too long. I had images and knew of places they had been together. I understood intellectually that what I kept thinking , and how I was acting was destructive, but somehow I couldn't stop myself sometimes.

In the end I had to forgive......or it would have turned to poison. I have never forgiven OW, ( I don't have that in me and she was extremely manipulative and self serving), but I have forgiven both H and myself for the actions that led to his 18 month PA. What I have had to also do is make sure I have learned from what led up to it all.

One of the biggest helps for me in healing was that my H owned his part in what happened. Although embarrassed and shamed by his actions, he faced them and discussed things with me.....even when he would much prefer to have ignored them. He could see that it helped me in the healing process, even though he could also see it hurt me at the same time.

The only thing that can never be given back is the loss of exclusivity that we had had from when we started dating and got M'd. That still hurts.

I cycle with things. A year after the A happened I still wasn't 'really' forgiving anyone, ( it has to happen in it's own time IMO). Anniversaries, like a year from when he last slept with OW, (which was on my youngest D's birthday so it is hard to forget), really set me off. Christmas and other family times etc.....they all contained triggers. However, with time, the cycles get further apart and the pain diminishes, whilst new memories and happy times replace the tarnished ones.

My therapist told me that it is important to always have something to look forward to......even if it be something small. That has really helped me.

We are several years on from the crisis point and M seems to be going well, but I still make sure I try to keep things 'healthy' in the M. This September we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary - yay