From small beginnings come great things

[♪CS♪]

I'm sure you're sick of it by now, but I'm swinging anyways.

M: Last person I figured you'd want to talk to was me yesterday

This sh!t!

You say you are never the one to initiate the R talk.

But look at this statement.

What does it imply?

YOU can direct these conversations.

Ask her about something that has NOTHING to do with your R.

Direct to conversation to something light, friendly.

Make it FUN!

This sh!t makes in PAINFUL!


I feel like I've said the same thing over and over.

You STILL seem to either direct the conversation, or at least follow along, to something R related.

I know it was a big day.

Hard to not have it on your mind.

But man, just one good convo with NONE of this would be huge.

Then two. Then three.

Try it. You've tried everything else. Worth a shot.

[25yearsmlc]

25 I've been meaning to ask you. Who was your DB coach?

Vernetta was my wonderful DB coach but she has since retired. We had a dozen or more sessions. That was over more than a year's time. Finally I paused and worked my program but when I went back for more Vernetta time, she had retired. Then I think I spoke to Jody or Laurie and they were both helpful too. Vernetta had my history though, and we really connected. It is vital you feel confidence in the approach that the DB coach is giving you or you'll "take polls" here and that's going to confuse you.

I took copious notes and boiled down the most useful parts onto one page and carried it around with me daily. Literally. Some of the "mantras" were for calming me down before speaking with H, or for motivating me or to get me thinking positively. Some of the most helpful lines were

"Keep the Road Home Paved & Smooth" and

"Counter the Negatives they have of you (to justify leaving) with positives" so you don't fuel their fires.

"Don't bother trying to Show your spouse the consequences of their behavior, b/c that is not your job (plus you'll look vindictive). Besides, life teaches them the consequences".

Time wasted worrying about what your WAS is thinking/doing/planning or feeling, is time NOT spent on what you can control, which is YOUR LIFE/GAL/getting happy."

She also helped me with boundaries and goal setting, and helping with our children. That was a huge thing for me.

What kind of legacy did I want to leave to my kids? A legacy of a spurned woman who stormed off to the L's office and divorced her selfish h so fast his head would spin and show him a thing or two??

OR a legacy of committment that was tested and tested but kept...and yielded a great reward a few years later?? A legacy of commitment and compassion, forgiveness, renewal, friendship, trust, faith and a solid marriage, were goals of mine. I knew that I might not get that and maybe I'd file for my sanity and GAL and meet someone new, or not. I did hire a L eventually and as I said elsewhere, it was such a relief to know my rights. And yes, that's despite my being a L. I knew I needed an expert to guide me and she did. Besides although I was calm, I didn't want to be a doormat and h was not acting trustworthy. No regrets there.
At my inner core, I came to believe I was a great catch and that God had good things in store for me, close by...When you really believe that, I think you radiate it to the world. All I know is people were positive to me, men noticed me, my kids seemed to admire me more, and H definitely awoke...but yes, this was over several months and then when h began his pursuit that also took months for me to trust and for him to confirm in his mind...years people, not weeks.

When I see people journalling & analyzing their spouse or situation every day, i think it's fine but it will wear you out if you analyze daily interactions. This stuff lasts for hundreds of days, or more... The WAS isn't even aware of half of the things they're doing or saying.
I spent way way too much time staring at h and wondering what he was doing or why, why WHY he was doing it, and did not focus on what I could control/affect (ME/My future) until so many months of pain had passed. I regret that wasted time spent on what I had no control over and what almost made me nuts, and NOT spent on my life/GAL/180's and becoming the happier centered woman I could become.
SIngle biggest regret-wasting all that time obsessing about h.

I was thinking I might start a thread for this week b/c I can't find my oldest or original ones and even if I could, it's probably wiser for me to summarize and speak from the vantage point of one who is on the other side now.

Sorry for the hijack.

[25yearsmlc]

Unless there's a no contact "rule", For anniversaries, why not send a card or flowers and write

"It's still worth remembering"...

especially if there are children involved, at which point you can thank the spouse for "bringing these wonderful children into the world"...


As I told my kids - no matter what happened to the m, if the only way I could have my kids in my life was to go through all this pain andstill have it not work out in the end...i'd do it again in a heartbeat. That's true.

[cat04]

2,

I won't tell you the distance isn't a barrier in someways...

Just not an insurmountable barrier.

And with all of the technology that is out there, there are ways to deal with it.

This internal struggle you are having, is completly normal. It is something that we all go through at one point or another.

I find when I can't make a decision, that is the time to sit back and be still. The decisions come, in time...

I also want to say that I agree with Country...

You may not have even realized that you were trying to direct the conversation, but you were...

Relax, breath...

[LITB]

Wow 2step. There is some phenomenal advice on your thread. Not to mention the 2x4 that Country gave you.

I think sometimes like myself, a 2x4 isn't sufficient enough for you. You need a 4x4 a lot of times. You know what I'm talking about. You've mentioned it several times on your threads.

Swim to the other shore my friend and quit looking over your shoulder. I know how difficult it is, because I glance over my shoulder too. If I could only back stroke. Kidding.

25, I could have used the anniversary idea earlier this week. That is absolutely brilliant. I am thinking of doing something similar for mother's day. Perhaps not flowers, but a card and gift card to one of her favorite restaurants.

[2stepboogie]

I'm sure you're sick of it by now, but I'm swinging anyways.

M: Last person I figured you'd want to talk to was me yesterday

This sh!t!

You say you are never the one to initiate the R talk.

But look at this statement.

What does it imply?

YOU can direct these conversations.

Ask her about something that has NOTHING to do with your R.

Direct to conversation to something light, friendly.

Make it FUN!

This sh!t makes in PAINFUL!


I feel like I've said the same thing over and over.

You STILL seem to either direct the conversation, or at least follow along, to something R related.

I know it was a big day.

Hard to not have it on your mind.

But man, just one good convo with NONE of this would be huge.

Then two. Then three.

Try it. You've tried everything else. Worth a shot.

I'm sure you're sick of it by now, but I'm swinging anyways.

M: Last person I figured you'd want to talk to was me yesterday

This sh!t!

You say you are never the one to initiate the R talk.

But look at this statement.

What does it imply?

YOU can direct these conversations.

Ask her about something that has NOTHING to do with your R.

Direct to conversation to something light, friendly.

Make it FUN!

This sh!t makes in PAINFUL!


I feel like I've said the same thing over and over.

You STILL seem to either direct the conversation, or at least follow along, to something R related.

I know it was a big day.

Hard to not have it on your mind.

But man, just one good convo with NONE of this would be huge.

Then two. Then three.

Try it. You've tried everything else. Worth a shot.

Ahh The 2x4 I was missing to finish my dog house, somehow I knew you would bring it Country.

I can see totally see how the statement can be viewed as a R talk, but honestly that is not how I mean it at all.

I really did not think she wanted to talk to me that day and I did not want to talk to her.

Frankly that day I did not want to talk to anybody.

So I am not really sure why in her mind she thought I would contact her.

I got it though fun/light................

Remember I am still trying to decide if I want to continue the constant contact or not and I am trying to determine if I can be her friend. This is where I am at the moment. What I have to work on at this point is getting over the feeling of being handled. I am all about reconciliation at this point but it is like a car going 90MPH on the highway and I feel like I am running out of time. This is for me to work out but 25 and cat have cleared this up for me very well so now I need to sit back and re-read those post over and over and do some thinking.

Anyhow next time you issue a 2x4 make it a little bigger because I am needing a support colum for my dog house.

Thanks

9:
This thread has been great and there is great advice for all of us to have. There is one more AWESOME poster who I am waiting on but I am sure she will show up soon enough

LITB

A 4x4? Sometimes a hammer works best!

My feet are in the water but I would be lying if I did not say that the thought of entering the water and start swimming is not scary, but I know that is the only option.

[Truegritter]

Remember I am still trying to decide if I want to continue the constant contact or not and I am trying to determine if I can be her friend.

Ahh my friend. yes. I get it. There is a person you have been forgeting in all of this...

2step!

Time to take care of him.

What I have to work on at this point is getting over the feeling of being handled. I am all about reconciliation at this point but it is like a car going 90MPH on the highway and I feel like I am running out of time.

Your time my friend.

Yours.

You stay here listening to me as long as you choose. Whatever wisdom I impart.

And after that? when you have your answers...

I hope of course that your voice carries beyond your own salvation.

[2stepboogie]

Time to take care of him

Gritter that is what I mean. I am considering my feelings here more than anything. If I know that friendship would lead to more I think I could do it. If I think friendship will lead to nothing but friendship I don't know if I can. Does that make sense?

You stay here listening to me as long as you choose

As long as you speak to me, I will listen.

Even though sometimes it does not appear that I do.

[islander]

It makes perfect sense to me, and I feel the same way. I will never settle for just being friends with my W. I would always want more, and I would probably be suffering Indefinitely if that were the case.

I think the problem is that we never know for sure what the future holds, and we may just hang on until we let go

[♪CS♪]

but honestly that is not how I mean it at all.

I am sure that is true, but it is how SHE interprets it.

You think that you keep saying the same thing and some how I am going to change my mind.

Go back through your convos and see how often she says this, or something similar.

The fact is, regardless of your intent, she has felt that you continued to try to change her mind.

Remember I am still trying to decide if I want to continue the constant contact or not and I am trying to determine if I can be her friend. This is where I am at the moment.

I totally understand this.

If I know that friendship would lead to more I think I could do it. If I think friendship will lead to nothing but friendship I don't know if I can. Does that make sense?

Look, I understand. I really do. BUT. You are talking about making a decision based on HER reaction. Based on something you do not control.

The decision should not be made based on this expectation.

The truth is, you need to make the decision without having any idea how the future will unfold.

You can be friends and maybe it will lead to R or maybe it will not.

You cannot be friends, move on without her, and still not know what the future holds.

You need to make the decision for YOU. What she ends up deciding is outside of your control.

I got it though fun/light................

How about this for a goal?

One conversation. Nothing even close to R talk. Not a hint at all. Keep it under 10 minutes, maybe closer to 5. That's it.

Of course, it all depends on what you want.