18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[AJM80]

On my way - for some reason your 1st post was delayed in showing up for me or I missed it (I really do think it got delayed). I absolutely welcome the male perspective.

I think the tone of my post was much more harsh than I was with H in person, or even felt at the time. When he came over, we made dinner, played with the kids, talked a bit, etc. He's been very sad this week, kissing the kids more, staying later, being more affectionate. This is causing a combination of hope and frustration and fear that's literally keeping me up at night (in addition to the kids contribution to waking at night), leading to a snippiness in my tone. Also, I've noticed my 2.5 year old noticing things differently - she's asking to go to Daddy's house more, telling strangers and me "My Daddy says bye bye", and making some other comments about mommy/daddy. She's skipping naps and it was rainy, so we were all stressed.

I am being a bit more guarded, I think...I guess I'll give him the benefit of the doubt about being sick. I didn't appreciate him waiting so long to me know he was canceling since I had told D he was coming just before I put her to bed. A last minute work thing happens sometimes and caused him to reschedule once - that's not horrible. But a simple, I'm sick and may not come would have been appreciated. By not doing that, I felt like he just decided that night that he'd rather do something else Sunday so he "called in sick".

When I wrote that post I felt like he'd let the kids down, that I'd let them down, and that this is sadly part of their new reality forever.

I'm trying to get more rest and make sure I am not being a B--ch to H or the kids. Thurs night when he was here I was kind of a mess. I'd scrubbed the house, dinner was ready, the kids were clean/dressed cute/being maniacs (rainy day). I was clearly frazzled looking. He asked about how I was sleeping, since I'd been returning his daytime texts or sending any pictures/updates at 1 am. We talked for a few min about that - he's concerned- and about how NUTs the kids were being. I went to the laundry room, changed clothes, took 10 min to myself, and went upstairs happy again. It was really nice to have a caring partner to talk to (not dump on). We ran some errands together after dinner and put the kids to bed. D said - I loooove mommy, H said son llllooooves Mommy, I laughed and said "Everyone loooves Mommy"

He texted last night, around 1130, asking how the insomnia was going. I told him that I was still awake, but I thought talking to him about it had somehow helped. then I went to sleep and BOTH kids woke up crying at different time last night!

I am really fighting the urge to ask H if he thinks we are making a mistake. But in that email I sent about deciding to move last week (unanswered so far, but it wasn't an urgent/tell me now sort of email - it was laying groundwork for a future convo), I think I gave him an opening to talk about that if he wants to, so I should leave things alone for now.

Where's the balance? Do I need to be less available/leave more when he is here? Keep doing happy family thing on nights he's here? Am I too guarded? Am I not detached enough/pursuing him? So hard to have any idea what the right mix is.