Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

Couples Therapy Journal

Wow. A small breakthrough, perhaps?

W began the session by asking me a question. What would a future relationship between us look like to you?

I admit that I was surprised by the question. This is the first that there has been any discussion of a future together, since the bomb. I have been holding patient, DBing, while she has been self discovering her needs. I will be very careful in not over analyzing this, but the discussion did sound as though she has been looking at the possibility to reconcile. She just has concerns and wants to talk them out.

I began to answer the question by telling her that we would take a transition back to our marriage very slowly and carefully. I am dedicated to rebuilding from the foundation, and that it was important to me that we do not fall into our old marriage. I believe that it is possible with this new communication between us to build a better marriage.

She began to ask the questions that have been roadblocks for her, while she has thought about this same topic in her self discovery.

Her first concerned my family. She feels like my family knows too much about her affair, and she will never feel comfortable around them regardless of any possible reconciliation on their part. Since family is important and active in both of our lives, how would it work between us if she was not willing to be around my family at all. How would we do Christmas with our S if she was not comfortable being near my family? How could a relationship work for me if she was not willing to be around any of them? I validated her feelings and told her that I understood how she would feel so hesitant to interact with my family right now. I believe that time would heal those wounds. They do not know the details that I know concerning the affair. They are more protective of me, because my W caused me so much hurt with the affair. They do, however, have the ability to reconcile. My W just feels like this will never happen and does not feel like I would be willing to make that compromise for her and our marriage.

Her second concern came with sex. She told me that she is not sexually attracted to me right now. She is not in love with me right now. How would a relationship work without intimacy. Therapist chimed in, and we all began to discuss the emotional connection that builds the intimate connection. We also discussed how W's orientation questions also plays into this as well. Our therapist mentioned how there are still questions to where my W is on the sexuality spectrum. If there is a spectrum that has full hetero on one end and full homo on the other, my W will fit anywhere in between. Where in between is the main question, and that could be very fluid. These are the questions that my W has not fully come to a conclusion about, but she might not ever fully know. We talked about how our sex life was not great for the last few years. It felt forced and not enjoyable for her. This probably was a part of my W feeling caged. We had sex on date nights, because she felt as though it was expected. The four months it took for her to get pregnant also felt forced. Having sex on a schedule was very stressful. The was a time, however, where our sex life was great. The emotional connection was strong, so our sexual connection was also strong. Even with same sex desires, where will she be if that emotional connection can be restored? How would our relationship look while we figure this out? In the end, if she requires the emotional and sexual connection with another woman, then there is no way that our M would work. The problem is that this topic is not as cut and dry as I wish it were to be. A few months ago, I felt like there would be a clear understanding whether my W was gay or straight and that would ultimately determine if we would stay married or divorce. The definitive answer is simply not there and may never be. Our therapist mentioned that we might not know if the intimacy will improve until we reconnect emotionally, and that will only happen over time.

Her third concern was falling right back into the old marriage. She said that she was not implying that I would change to my old self and faults, but that she very well could. I told her that I was committed to a M built on trust and communication. I want her on equal ground and would strive to make sure that she feels that way. She feels that we may not be able to make those changes and is scared that we would fall right back into the pain.

My W told my therapist that these were just a few of the topics. She has been compiling a list of concerns. Therapist thought it would be a good idea to work on her list and present each of them as topics for therapy. Not to rehash, but to learn about each other and communicate as we have done in previous sessions. I completely agreed. I think it will be really good for us to start talking more about upcoming hurdles if we were to reconcile and rebuild our M.

We have a long way to go, but I am looking forward to discussing this topic in the weeks ahead. I told my W that we are not there yet. Maybe not even close. I am not ready to rush back into a relationship, and I think it is very important for us to keep talking about things and ease back into it if we decide that is best. I did not want to rush back into anything without taking careful measures to prevent collapse. Patience is key.

I do wonder what my own tolerance will be to some of these concerns now that I have started to build emotional detachment. As I have discussed here with others, there is often a flip that occurs between the WAS and LBS. I think it will be interesting how I react and compromise to many of her concerns.