Yes he definitely asked me to keep up/ catch up. He wants me to be more active and involved in this new life with him. I was getting there slowly... I guess too slowly.
I should mention that when we moved, I had to stay in Chicago for about 8 months to sell the house so we lived apart for that long and that is when he started making all of these changes. He took the opportunity when we moved to change his life in a lot of ways and become a person that he liked better. But he still liked me back then...
OK, some of what I've said or questions I've asked are disjointed. Just getting to some solid points.
We know that H says he wants D. Claims "no passion". We know he has "new friends" that he hangs with by himself. He's GALing and getting himself physically healthy. (buff?) WAS? Certainly. MLC? Not so clear. OW? Not sure or no?
In your H's talks with you prior to bomb and you going dark or dim, would he have been open to you tagging along? Since bomb, has that ever come up? What is his thoughts on that then and/or now?
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(Posted under Copyright Fair Use - Education) 6 Core Human Needs, Anthony Robbins:
1. Certainty/Comfort. We all want comfort. And much of this comfort comes from certainty. Of course there is no ABSOLUTE certainty, but we want certainty the car will start, the water will flow from the tap when we turn it on and the currency we use will hold its value.
2. Variety. At the same time we want certainty, we also crave variety. Paradoxically, there needs to be enough UNcertainty to provide spice and adventure in our lives.
3. Significance. Deep down, we all want to be important. We want our life to have meaning and significance. I can imagine no worse a death than to think my life didn't matter.
4. Connection/Love. It would be hard to argue against the need for love. We want to feel part of a community. We want to be cared for and cared about.
5. Growth. There could be some people who say they don't want to grow, but I think they're simply fearful of doing so—or perhaps NOT doing so. To become better, to improve our skills, to stretch and excel may be more evident in some than others, but it's there.
6. Contribution. The desire to contribute something of value—to help others, to make the world a better place than we found it is in all of us.
Yeah I'm going to say that while all the *facts* are there, the intentions were not there for a MLC. He would have been open to me going with him on all his activities and I think he wanted me to be more interested. I was trying but I guess it wasn't enough.
We started crossfit classes together last year but I tore my ACL at a wedding. I got back into working out with a personal trainer so I could rehab my knee and get in shape - he joined that personal trainer the morning of the day he dropped the D bomb. We were going to start working out there together. The weather was starting to get nicer and it was almost hiking season - I don't like to hike when there is snow (plus the knee isn't terribly stable when slipping).
I guess all of this just came "too late" in his opinion.
So that's basically a little of Variety, Growth and Significance for him. Then add a little loss of Connection/Love and he's out the door.
I get that all this happened and I wish it would have all gone differently but the real frustrating part of this sitch (and I'm sure most everyone's) is that he left without trying to work it out. Did he communicate that he wanted me to get in better shape? Yes. Did he communicate that he wanted me to do more activities with him? Yes. Did we know we were losing some of the closeness we had? Yes. Did I know it was to the point of a full on D? No.
It's not like I ignored all of this communication - I was taking steps in this direction just not very quickly. It doesn't take a D to make me listen to my H but it takes a more serious type of communication for me to understand the importance or gravity of the requests/sitch.
Also, when leaving he cited the loss of affection between us, not all of these other things although perhaps it contributed to some extent. He didn't communicate for a year and half any of this.
One thing I wanted to say: Ceberon if you're here and reading any of this please stop. Feel free to dig through all the past threads but I would really appreciate that you not read the new one(s) until invited. Though I doubt you have any interest in being on this website right now.
Calystra - I have managed one day of being completely dark and it feels like a year. Even after confirming that my STBX is now openly involved with her boss, I still miss her and want her back in my more emotional moments. I have set a goal of not contacting her at all until her birthday on June 23rd, when I plan to do nothing more than calling and saying "Happy birthday...how are you?".
I have done the dark thing in the past over the last year and a half and I can assure you that it does get easier with time. Let's make a pact to rely on each other to remain dark. It helps to have another person to answer to.
The sitch now is different than last time, but Ceberon posted on my threads last time with this. It's really what is keeping me going on being dark at this point.
Quoting calystra: 12/20/2002 : I tell H I'm not ready to make financial decisions - go away for Christmas and go dark for 2 weeks. H is bothered by my lack of contact.
Quoting ceberon: The dark period was pretty smart. When talking to the W every day without break, it just kept my feelings buried inside, since I couldn't relax when talking to her. With the quiet period for so long, I had time to stew. Feelings tend to mellow if they don't get refreshed, and without the W around to refresh them, the anger I felt faded away quite a bit.
