Thank you. I do realize that I am in an endless loop. I am going to seek some outside help and do appreciate your words of wisedom.
Best, A.
Might want to start here:
Quote:
Plus we ML this a.m. (I was not the initiator).
At least maybe you'd get your self-respect back. A well-timed "I'm no longer comfortable with this, considering what you're doing. I'm your wife, not your booty call" might slap him at least partially back into reality.
Really, Abbey, you're worth so much more than this. Your husband won't begin respecting you until YOU do.
Had a good talk with DB coach yesterday a.m. I always feel better after speaking with her.
Key Points:
1) She advised ME to be more OWish. Obviously not by retaliating with a revenge A, but to act more flirty (not in a sexual way).
2) Be happy when H walks through the door. Stop doing dishes, working in office, etc....and look him in the eyes and have a conversation. Smile.
3) Make him think he's hot. Little comments here and there. She explained that arousal can be stimulating while not being satiated.
4) When kids are away for awhile, make a move and say things like "I feel like we're getting away with something". Be more playful.
5) She advised me to act the way OW is probably acting. Obviously she doesn't have the kids or business or family finance pressures so she can devote all of her energy to him. Coach advised me to act more like her.
6) She told me that she can tell that I am a very nice person, and that my H knows that I am, and he counts on me for stability. He sees me as responsible, not necessarily attractive. She thinks I need to mix it up and dress a little sexier (while still age appropriate), heels and whatnot. She said if I "act" demoralized it will be over.
7) Most important: she said....that in no way does she condone me sticking my head in the sand, but in this stage of our relationship as it stands now, she would not recommend confrontation. There will be a time to bring up the topic, but now now.
So....she thinks I should ask to go on a ride with him on his motorcycle this weekend. Be more adventurous. Make it less easy for him to go off on his own. In a way this seems opposite of DB rules, but in our case, I think I have made it too easy for H to come and go just so I can avoid the conflict.
Did anyone watch the royal wedding? Went to a friend's house to watch it live with all of my best girlfriends. Kate looked amazing! I'm a sucker for a happy ending!
Have a nice Friday everyone!
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
H left at 6:30am for a "BIKE RIDE"....mmmm...uh huh.....When asked, he said he would be gone until 12:30 or so which really means 2:00pm or so.
Said he was going to ride his bike on the coast. I think I have narrowed down his art of the lie. He does this funny little throat clear thing, then he talks about what he is going to do here when he gets home (i.e. finish the fence for our garden, help clean the house, etc...)
He asked what I was going to do today and I said I don't know...just left it kind of vague. He said that I should go to the gym and I said I probably would, but wasn't sure what else the day had in store for me. Seriously...why should I hang around cleaning the house and doing laundry on a beautiful day when he is out doing his thing. I'm outta here!
So, I am trying to come up with some fabulous fun thing that I can do alone and maybe won't be here waiting when he gets back. Maybe take the train north....OR....Joshua Tree to take photos.....OR....??
Working on my plan!
Had a fun night last night with H, we met some friends at a local brew house and then went to dinner. We all shared a great bottle of wine. All in all...nice evening. We were talking about the royal wedding and our friends said that they think I look like Kate Middleton (which I obviously took as a nice compliment). Glad they said it in front of H. Don't get too many compliments from him. Very rare in fact.
I wore something shear to bed. H definitely noticed.
My song for the day: "You Don't Know Me" (Ray Charles/Diana Krall version)
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Had a rough day yesterday. I knew where H was headed. That's all it took to ruin my day.
When I came home, he was working on the garden fence. He had started laundry (probably to wash the riding clothes that were not used or even dirty so I wouldn't know that he probably didn't go riding). Who knows!
Later in the day I took a walk with my Ipod, saw him on the road and asked if he wanted to join me on my walk....he said not really. I was sad, I think he could tell. I need to stop letting his whereabouts effect my mood! I don't know how to do that though.
About a mile into my walk, he drove up behind me on his motorcycle and asked if I wanted to go for a ride. So I did! It was so fun. I have never in my life been on a motorcycle before. Pretty exhilarating.
Later we played basketball, catch with a softball and later bocce ball at the park with D17 and her BF. The 4 of us took the convertible out and went for pizza. It was a warm SoCal night. Felt like summer!
After we went to bed, I woke up around 2ish and COULD NOT get back to sleep. Tossed, turned, and replayed all of the lies in my head. I was tempted to go look for the secret cell phone. H doesn't know that I know where he keeps the spare key to his locked toolbox on his truck. I haven't had the guts to do it. And honestly when I find it....then what? I am just making myself CRAZY!
One good day.....one bad. Up and down. I started looking for a counselor. I need to read some more self help books. Trying to get out of this funk. My self esteem seems damaged beyond repair at this point.
H asked this a.m. again, why he thought I couldn't sleep. I wanted to say that he should know why I can't sleep. I can't get past the voicemail message that he left for OW (but on my cell phone). Him calling her "Babe". I mean who does that? I am haunted by it. There is not a single hour that goes by when I don't think about it.
This a.m., H and I went to the coast for a walk. It was absolutely beautiful. Perfect beach weather. We sat on a rock and watched the surfers for awhile. I was pretty quiet (I'm usually a bit of a talker when we're together). I let him offer conversation which turned out to be very surface level. This is where we are after 22 years of marriage. Surface level conversation where I feel like I can't talk at all about our R.
H just left with a friend of ours to go looking at bikes. He'll be gone for awhile.
Thanks for listening....
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Surfing around the web, I found an interesting passage concerning OW or OM in general that I thought some might find helpful/useful....
"The very nature of being the "third party" instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."
Interesting....
"Of course, this is much easier to do if the third party is rejected and the marriage survives. But even when a person does choose the third party over their spouse, they frequently learn much later (if the other person takes on the role of spouse) that their specialness had more to do with their earlier role than with the person themselves. Many people have an illusion that this new person offers a new life, only to discover after a few years that all the old feelings and issues are there just as in the past. They didn't really change games at all, they only changed the players. Today's third party may be tomorrow's spouse who is unhappy in their marriage."
SO....MAYBE SHE'S NOT ALL THAT AFTERALL!
xoxo, A.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
She's obviously not all that. I've never thought women who willingly cheated on me who were not leaving their wives thought a lot of themselves. Why shortchange yourself that way? She'll take whatever H has left over from his relationship with you?
Now, don't get me wrong, you can flip that back and see what you are doing in a negative light...but don't (too much). I like Loretta Lynn singing "You ain't woman enough to take my man". It sounds like that's what your coach is telling you - believe that you have her beat with your awesomeness and start to take back some of the power in your relationship?
Like Starsky, I struggle with your sleeping with him knowing he is running around on you..but it seems like things are happening and he's choosing to spend more time with you than her. So, do what's working, right?
No more snooping! Truth be told, i'd copy the damn key and make copies of whatever was in there. But that would be in case of a divorce/proving the affair, not to confront him. Frankly, I think if you got any more goods on him/OW, you'd boil over and not be in a good place.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Good luck with that. I've personally never seen it work.
Starsky
I suppose it is worth a try. Trying to ramp up my confidence so have been working out more and dressing nicer. H actually said I looked nice yesterday before work (very seldom do I ever hear that from him). I scheduled an appt for indiv. therapy but it is very pricey and I'm not sure that I should be spending that kind of money at this juncture.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Like Starsky, I struggle with your sleeping with him knowing he is running around on you..but it seems like things are happening and he's choosing to spend more time with you than her. So, do what's working, right?
I know. I wonder if I just want him more because he is probably sleeping with OW? I have actually recently thought about what it might be like to be with someone else after 24 years together. Maybe "I" am the one missing out. he he. Anyway, just a passing thought I've had lately........NOT going to act on it. It's just two plus years of not knowing and feeling stuck is making me a little crazy. Going to try to focus on other awesome areas of my life (kids, photography, hiking, etc...) ML 3 times this last week. Have Dr. appt. in a few weeks and am taking everyone's advice to get std tested.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
