I was directed to this site and am hoping for some pointers in handling things better. Here goes...
I have been with my partner (not married but were planning to later this year) for four years. We have two children aged 2 and 6 months, and also my two children from a previous relationship aged 7 and 4.
For the last year or so, we have been having troubles. I was upset at his lack of affection and this was an ongoing problem. He would make an effort for a short while then things would slip back to how they were. He would have different excuses and I started to grow more and more resentful of how much I was giving and not receiving in return.
We had a bad patch when the baby was born. He spent most of his paternity leave sleeping in and going out for drinks and I was furious. I withdrew for about three weeks (I was really upset at his behaviour as it was in marked contrast to after our first was born when he couldn't do enough) after until he eventually broke down and apologised.
He would get down from time to time. Would say he hated work. Would say he didn't feel appreciated (by me.) I stepped it up.
Fast forward to four weeks ago. We spend a lovely Saturday together. After the kids are in bed I notice he isn't himself. I ask but he says he is ok. I leave him to it thinking he wants some time in his man cave.
Next morning he wakes up, turns to me and says he has something to tell me. That he has been unfaithful. He kissed a woman at work. He is incredibly upset, asks if he's ruined everything. I think he is joking (he often jokes about serious stuff.) Turns out he isn't.
Basic story is he was on a job and this woman at that site makes it clear she has the hots for him. Singles him out for attention and conversation. He finds her attractive and laps up the attention. He says he never intends to pursue her or do anything about it. He goes to say goodbye at the end of his last day there, she gives him her phone number and goes to kiss him. He said he pushed her off and left. Then texts her later, looks her up on FB. At that point he told me.
I was devastated. Prior to this trusted him 100%. Push him out to stay elsewhere whilst I consider what to do.
In the next two days the dynamic switches round to it being HIM deciding if he still wants in on the relationship. Seems it was a catalyst for his continuing unhappy feelings. He has trouble dealing with his stepchildren. He is fond of them but can't settle into the extended family dynamic. We resolve to stay together and work on things.
We go to an initial counselling session. He is initially reluctant but I explain it is a dealbreaker for me. He goes and opens up. Elsewhere I have obvious trust issues and he has difficulty dealing with these. He is open but is resentful of feeling checked up on.
I stumble when he confesses a couple of incidents; one whereby he goes to leave treats for her at the job, and another where he drunkenly texts her and doesn't tell me. He says he realises he had messed up BIG time and knew how upset I'd be (he asked if she was missing him) and I find out a few days later by checking his cellphone bill. I pack his bags. He had spent the whole last three weeks telling me he was telling me everything, he didn't like her, wasn't interested, so I was gutted by this.
Since then, we have to-ed and fro-ed incessantly. At the end of last week I told him to go and he found a place to rent. From then up until today, he has spent most of his time here with us. Half in and half out. Not knowing how he feels, being unsure. I know I have compromised my principles massively by going backwards and forwards and picking up on things he has said, I know he has lost respect for me some because of this although I don't know if he realises it.
Right now? I told him earlier that I wanted 100% of his commitment to us and the family and I wasn't prepared to put up with anything less. And until then I would only have contact with him to do with children and money issues.
I WANT to reconcile but don't want him to be half-assed about it. I want the respect I deserve. He wants to come back but doesn't know how he'll feel with his family issues. I said that seeing how it goes just isn't enough for me, I need him to be all in.
