Log entry .....Her first thing to say was "you got a haircut" (she doesn't like me with short hair).
....I also realized that I needed to be excited with her, otherwise she would get her support from her friends and not me. I started listening to her and truly getting excited, not jealous this really smoothed things over.
...I didn't do my usual routine of smothering her by trying to take care of her. Instead waited till she asked for my help. She did and was very appreciative. So this is what it is like to have someone appreciate you, without you forcing them.
...It was nice. I hope I can make a full recovery from NGS.
Man you are one quick study! You are figuring things out so quickly. Making changes in behavior takes time, so don't be too hard on yourself.
A couple of comments. Chapman's Five Languages of Love really helped me understand interactions with my wife.
Her comment about your hair may have been to show you that she is observant and wanted to start talking and connecting with you (then again, I may be trying to read too much into it).
From your words, I would suspect (using Chapmans perspective) that your wife needs "Quality Time" and she needs "Acts of Service" to feel loved. You should find out and then use that knowledge to make her feel loved.
Quality Time for her is when you actively listen and talk about things that she is interested in and hopefully she will then talk about things that are important to you. It is a way of emotionally/mentally bonding. It sounds to me (I could be wrong) that when you listened and got excited with her about her trip that you gave her the quality time she was looking for. You might want to read Chapman's book or look at the URL links I gave you in an earlier post to better understand what quality time is. Providing her with love in her languages of love, isn't being a Nice Guy, it is taking care of your relationship.
Her asking for help and your providing it may (or may not) have been an act of service on your part. Are there "acts of service" that she prides herself on in your marriage. For example, my wife feels that if she provides me with a hot home cooked meal at dinner that is her way of showing me how much she loves me. She also feels that her doing the laundry and making sure that the house is clean is her way of "taking care" of her man. Other women pride themselves on staying in shape for their husbands, etc.
After learning my wife is a quality time & acts of service person from Chapman's book and her taking the test in the book and giving me the results, I now do more acts of service for her and find opportunities for quality time that make her feel loved.
For example, I bring two cups of coffee to bed each morning after the alarm clock goes off, so she can gradually wake up while drinking coffee without getting out of bed. When she is awake, we talk about what her day will be and what I will be doing. I ask her about things she is concerned about. Then at dinner I make sure I find out how her day went by asking about specific meetings and things so she knows that I listened to her and am "engaged" in what is happening in her life. If I am going to be late for dinner, I call her in advance, so she knows and can slow things down or make other plans. I also do acts of service for her like make sure that her car is filled with gas, and washed so she feels taken care of. There are other things, but these are examples of things that make my wife feel loved. Your Mileage may vary.
Once I figured out that the way I feel loved (touch and words of affirmation) was not how she wanted to be told I loved her, it explained a lot of our problems. I told her that I loved her by touching her and holding her, and telling her what a wonderful person she was, because that was a way that I wanted her to act toward me. She felt I was constantly pawing at her or buttering her up (As I nice guy when it didn't work, I just tried harder). She on the other hand was constantly telling me she loved me by doing things like making sure a home cooked meal was ready at dinner time or trying to talk to me when I was doing other things.
If I was late or said I didn't like the dinner, it felt to her as hateful as I felt when she physically rejected my touching her. If I said that I wanted to watch TV or do work on the Computer when she tried to engage in quality time, it was like I was telling her I didn't love her. We were talking, but we weren't really communicating our emotions in a way that the other could understand.
Again, I strongly recommend Chapmans Five Lanagues of Love. Sometimes in the book stores it is in the religious book section (because so many church couples seminars use it), but its approach is not very religious, just practical.
Again, you are amazing at figuring things out. You need to also understand that change in you and your wife will take time.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
