You are doing incredibly well given that you are nearly full term. You deserve better and your H is acting foolish not to take care of his responsibilities.
You should be proud of yourself for how much you have done thus far without his help. Keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine no matter the outcome of your sitch. Hopefully he will decide to do the right thing and take care of his ladies.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
You are doing so well! I know how hard this must be. But you're doing amazing. You're a strong momma. And you're right. Right now, you don't need him ...
Crying moves the hard emotions out of you and clears the way for some joy that will come in. You're three weeks away! She's going to be here! A sweet and high-pitched screaming baby!
Do you have friends who want to be with you during the labor? Family? Someone who can be on call for labor and who can drive you and help you when you get back home?
Still no baby. Although I'm starting to get low back pressure off an on, so I think my body is prepping itself. I'm frantically trying to get everything tied off for work just in case I leave earlier than expected.
H did come home Friday. He flew Virgin Air. Friday and Saturday were hard days. Lots of crying. Some in front of him, some not. We talked some about our R. While he says he's still "done" with the relationship, his actions are getting better. I'll recap the past few days:
Friday. He didn't immediately tell me what airline he flew when he came home. I had to ask him. He didn't want to answer initially, and I just became enraged because he had lied to me (remember he gave me a fake flight number for AA). Thank goodness I had to leave to go sing for Good Friday service. But I was a mess. I barely made it through the service without crying. But when I came home, he immediately apologized for lying and fessed up to what airline he was on. So there's changed behavior #1.
Saturday. We went shopping for the baby, picking up the last few necessary items on her registry before she arrives. He paid for it (changed behavior #2). This is the first time he's paid for ANYTHING baby related (expect of course for insurance premiums, which he was paying prior to me getting pregnant anyhow). I go to my Saturday Easter service, and then I come home and we just stay in and talk for the rest of the night. He is open to talking to me about our R, but still says that he's just "done" and doesn't know if I should be reading anything on divorce (he doesn't know what I've read on it, just knows I've been doing a lot of research... I'm always very research based, so this is no surprise), and doesn't want me to "get my hopes up". I ask him some more CBT type of questions, of course he makes no since as his thoughts are faulty and illogical, I counteract them, and he continues to come up with more BS excuses. The only reason I do this technique is that I have evidence suggesting that while he does NOT understand the logic at that moment in time, when he has time to reflect upon what I've said, he finds the value in it (Best Friend has relayed this message to me a few times, and I've seen it in action myself...). So this is why I still continue to have the occasional R talk. Eventually we stop talking, but I'm upset, so I leave the bedroom and go to another room to cry by myself. 10 minutes later he comes in to say he's going out for a drive and will be back later. I continue to go about my business, and he comes back about 15 minutes later. He asks if he can read to the baby, and I agree. We go to bed.
Sunday. I go to church for BOTH Easter services and I cut out half way through the 2nd service because I can't hardly stand anymore. When I get home, H rubs the baby belly and hugs me (UNSOLICITED HUG. Changed behavior #3!) and asks how church was. Tells me we need to leave ASAP to get ho his parents' house. So I change, we drive, and we have a pretty good time. Admittedly the first hour or so was awkward, but once they decide to play Bacchi (I just walk around and watch. Picking up and throwing heavy balls across the yard is not very preggo friendly), everyone lightens up. H played a lot with his 6 year old niece whom he's not seen in 4 years. It makes me continue to hope everything will work out with us so I can seem him play with our daughter like that. We leave after being there for about 3 hours. On the way home, we talk a lot about how his dad specifically has softened and changed. I bring up that I think maybe his dad had depression. H agrees (this is now 2 men in his immediate family that most likely suffered/s from depression). That evening we go for a walk (this is when I start having the back pain. My first instinct was to walk). We talk a little more about our R. We walk for about 15 minutes, then he asks if he can walk alone for a while. It's about to storm (like, huge thunderstorm with hail), so I remind him of this, but he says he'll be fine and he has his phone on him. So I go inside and he continues to walk for almost half an hour. After about 15 minutes it's pouring. I text to see if he's alright, and he says he's fine under shade (excellent, if lightening strikes it'll find you quickly....). He comes back soaking wet and apologizes for staying out (changed behavior #4. Never had he apologized for leaving). I tell him thanks, but it's not like I'm the one that got wet and risked my life because I'd rather stand in a freaking hail thunderstorm than talk with my spouse about valid R topics. He admits this is a little ridiculous. We talk a little more about our R, and this time, while he is a little more involved in talking he's making a LOT of jokes. I'm not going to necessarily count this as a changed behavior. This is his other MO for coping. He either 1) shuts down and escapes/avoids or 2) he uses humor to deflect and derail. So while I'm not exactly thrilled that he's still avoiding the real topic, at least he's using the slightly more healthy coping mechanism. He asks again to read to the baby, so again, I agree. We go to bed.
Monday. I get home at about 5. I check the mail, do some dishes, and a few other housekeeping activities expecting that he will not come home until some ungodly hour per usual. He had said that morning he would be home around 6. To my surprise, he walks in the door at 6:10 (changed behavior #5... I'm fairly certain this is the first time since the bomb that he's been in the ballpark for his ETA). We had discussed doing something together that evening the prior day. I asked what he wanted to do: H: "watch the baseball game and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Me: "I thought it bored you to just come home and watch TV" H: "well, usually, but I like watching those things" Me: "Ok" H: "what? You don't want to do that?' Me: "No, that's fine. I like those shows too" So we eat dinner and watch TV. I pass out on the couch, and eventually he gets ready to go to bed. He comes to get me and asks if I wanted to sleep on the couch or come to bed. I tell him I'll come to bed. I report how I feel more like a basketball than a human and he actually laughs at me (changed behavior #6. Has not laughed at me at all since the bomb. Humor was always very important in our R).
So today we'll see what happens. I'm supposed to go to yoga tonight, and originally he said he'd go to the gym then too, but then he found out the class is 1.5 hrs and was unsure he could work out for that long. Tomorrow he's going to the baseball game with Best Friend. I'm sure this is a way for BF to really get some info out of him because BF is NOT into sports. Originally we were supposed to go MC tomorrow. When I reminded H of this, that's when he told me BF had asked about the baseball game. But, when I said we still have an appt next Thursday too, H said, "well, maybe we can go to that one then...". So it's not a firm yes, but it's not a firm no either (which he has flat out denied MC before). So I'll count this as changed behavior #7.
So to recap the changed behaviors: 1. Apologized and fessed up for lying. Nice taking ownership for once. 2. He bought things for the baby. 3. He gave me a hug when I came home. 4. Apologized for leaving a situation when he should have dealt with it. 5. Came home when he said he would. I guess I could count him coming back from Cali on Friday as part of this too. 6. Laughed at a joke I made. 7. Did not flat out deny MC.
So again, we go back to the "believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do" mantra. His words continue to say one thing, and his actions another. His thinking is still so illogical and disjointed (he literally said during one of the R talks "well, you know, I get so angry over little things, like making sure there are bread ties on the bread bag, so that must mean I don't love you".... WHAT?! How is that a reflection on how much you love me??). I'm hoping with continued IC and me having the occasional CBT oriented R talk that he will begin to understand how faulty his thinking is and that this has little to do with our relationship. Thus far I've been able to counteract all of his crap arguments with valid, logical, solution oriented suggestions, and then he just makes up another illogical argument. He's clearly not ready, but I think at least he's softened some. He is still going to require a lot of work.
So again, we go back to the "believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do" mantra. His words continue to say one thing, and his actions another. His thinking is still so illogical and disjointed (he literally said during one of the R talks "well, you know, I get so angry over little things, like making sure there are bread ties on the bread bag, so that must mean I don't love you".... WHAT?! How is that a reflection on how much you love me??). I'm hoping with continued IC and me having the occasional CBT oriented R talk that he will begin to understand how faulty his thinking is and that this has little to do with our relationship. Thus far I've been able to counteract all of his crap arguments with valid, logical, solution oriented suggestions, and then he just makes up another illogical argument. He's clearly not ready, but I think at least he's softened some. He is still going to require a lot of work.
But at least I feel like I'm getting somewhere.
First, I want to say, have you read the book Hold me Tight? It's all about pursuer/withdrawer dynamics, and it seems your H is a classic and major withdrawer. The humor thing is distancing. Fear of intimacy. I've been through all this with my DBF. It's gotten SOOOO much better.
I give you credit for hanging in there. My DBF's behavior is improving all the time, but I get sooo impatient. I want to leave every other day. And we do have a daughter together.
But you've got your wits about you, so hang in there. You can't change his behavior...only yours. Well, you know this.
But it does sounds like he's getting excited.
Anyway the "we're done" thing sounds so familiar too. I stopped believing DBF on that one b/c he never followed through actually.
And this quote below is helping. DBF came home from work early tonight with a dozen roses and is selling the new car he bought for himself and focusing on us. I got really moved by that, but then IDK ... he does a lot of "talk" and makes extreme changes and then falls back to his old ways. We'll see-
Nothing much to report on lately. I figured I would keep you all up to date just because I'm so close to my due date. I'm hoping next week will be my last at school and then I can just focus on being ready for the baby.
Today was a nice day for me. It's teacher appreciation week, and the parent of my twins in my class sent me thank you cards "from" each boy. It was awesome (they're non-verbal autistic so she wrote out funny notes about how I deal with each of their challenging behaviors). I also got a lot done as far as paperwork goes.
I picked up the "Hold Me Tight" book last night. I got a good ways through, but had to go to bed. I plan on reading more this afternoon before my dinner date with my grad school friends.
That was kind of sad thing today. I put in a leave of absence for grad school. The only thing between me and my degree (and a license waiting for that diploma...) is one lousy huge paper. In the past 18 months my brother was arrested and put in an inpatient (and several outpatient) treatment faciilities for heroin addiction (thankfully he's been sober for over a year now), and I was effectively his case worker during that time. My mother filed for bankruptcy and did a deed in lieu of foreclosure to get rid of her falling apart old house that she'd been in for 20 years (oh yes, and she's got BAD ADHD, so we worked a LOT on working through that and getting her to accept the fact that she has a disease and needs help). I put in claims for over 40k in medical issues last year (gallbladder removal, heart procedure, TMJ splints, pelvic floor disorder and not being able to ovulate). And then I also worked in the most miserable job I've ever had in my life, then got this job that I love, and then immediatley got pregnant the week it started.
And then my H decided he wanted to leave me.
So it's been rough. And writing a paper has not exactly been on the top of my priority list. So in order to extend my deadline to finish my school in time, I'm taking a break.
I texted a bit with BF to see how the baseball game went last night. He said they had a good time, but did not talk much about H and mine's R. They just enjoyed the game together. I feel like BF is can read H pretty well. But I don't know if he got any additional insight. But he said that H did NOT bring up a D with me again. So that's improvement I suppose.
And H did come home between work and the game to tend to the dogs. So I'm developing a bit more trust in that he will do what he says he will do.
H did sleep rather close to me last night. Even held my hand for a brief second. Our bodies touched several times and he didn't hug his side of the bed to avoid me. He seems to be getting less weird when he first wakes up too (he's most awkward around me first thing in the morning and when he first comes home from work).
Now that he's actually home I've been implementing the "act as if" concept. I think it's working. He usually warms and has a real conversation with me and doesn't get irritated. I doubt he's recognizing this behavior change, but I am.
We might be going out with recently lost other BF of his (a topic which he will not talk about how much it affects him. He feels very abandonded by this friend, which he has said... once) tomorrow night. Lost BF has his first serious real girlfriend, and we have yet to meet her (this is mostly why he's recently fallen off the map). I figure if H was "done" he wouldn't invite me out to see Lost BF and new girlfriend.
One thing that strikes me about your email is that I want to say this - it's time for you to get *your* needs met. You've taken care of a lot of people. That can be draining. Now you'll be taking care of a baby. Make sure that you regularly get to take care of *you* -
My only advice at this point is find your happy place - go there often in your mind - and hang on for the ride! Having a baby is wonderful ... and wild! I'm glad H sounds a little more prepared to receive all the joy that is about to enter your world.
