I agree with Brooklyn. You give more than you are offered, as far as I am concerned,

Keep busy, it soothes the mind, and tires the body, AND you have a lovely yard and tidy house, if you feel bad at any point. Not good being depressed in a pigsty.

Gradually all those close to the MLCer come to see that there is something wrong with THEM, not the partner, not the marriage. It validates us, and makes us feel less lonely. And that is good for us. It is one of the strengths of the boards - we are not alone in this crazy universe. Others are going through it, hearing the same idiotic stories, and experiencing the same types of crazy behaviours.

No one wanted this to happen in their lives, how could they, but we are a community, a band of brothers if you like, bound together by terrible events that most of the world does not understand the awfulness of. It is much more than an affair and marriage ending, it is the total loss of a person we loved and wanted to be with, and a tragedy for the family and all those close to the MLCer.

Having said that on our behalf, I would not wish on anyone what has happened to my exh, in the last 5 and a half years. It all looked great for a few months, and then it started to unravel, gradually, almost imperceptibly, at first and then more and more, until it is absolutely apparent to everyone that he has wrecked his life, and his health and happiness.

At that point I think they stay with OP [if they have stuck around] because there is nowhere else for them to go, in their minds. So few of them have the honesty or courage to face their issues and do something about the damage they have caused. After all if they were courageous they would not have run in the first place when it seemed like trouble. It isn't in their mindset, and the person they are with is not about to help them get OK, as they are usually nuts to begin with. I mean in my csse, what sane person would take on a man leaving a long marriage and not think there would be problems?

Sorry for the mild vent, but it is all so sad and unnecessary, even when we have accepted it and moved on with our lives. There is no closure, except what we give ourselves, and that is hard to do totally and alone. But, as you know, we get there . . . So when others close to us and them start to 'get it' it helps a little.