From small beginnings come great things

[25yearsmlc]

25 I've been meaning to ask you. Who was your DB coach?

Vernetta was my wonderful DB coach but she has since retired. We had a dozen or more sessions. That was over more than a year's time. Finally I paused and worked my program but when I went back for more Vernetta time, she had retired. Then I think I spoke to Jody or Laurie and they were both helpful too. Vernetta had my history though, and we really connected. It is vital you feel confidence in the approach that the DB coach is giving you or you'll "take polls" here and that's going to confuse you.

I took copious notes and boiled down the most useful parts onto one page and carried it around with me daily. Literally. Some of the "mantras" were for calming me down before speaking with H, or for motivating me or to get me thinking positively. Some of the most helpful lines were

"Keep the Road Home Paved & Smooth" and

"Counter the Negatives they have of you (to justify leaving) with positives" so you don't fuel their fires.

"Don't bother trying to Show your spouse the consequences of their behavior, b/c that is not your job (plus you'll look vindictive). Besides, life teaches them the consequences".

Time wasted worrying about what your WAS is thinking/doing/planning or feeling, is time NOT spent on what you can control, which is YOUR LIFE/GAL/getting happy."

She also helped me with boundaries and goal setting, and helping with our children. That was a huge thing for me.

What kind of legacy did I want to leave to my kids? A legacy of a spurned woman who stormed off to the L's office and divorced her selfish h so fast his head would spin and show him a thing or two??

OR a legacy of committment that was tested and tested but kept...and yielded a great reward a few years later?? A legacy of commitment and compassion, forgiveness, renewal, friendship, trust, faith and a solid marriage, were goals of mine. I knew that I might not get that and maybe I'd file for my sanity and GAL and meet someone new, or not. I did hire a L eventually and as I said elsewhere, it was such a relief to know my rights. And yes, that's despite my being a L. I knew I needed an expert to guide me and she did. Besides although I was calm, I didn't want to be a doormat and h was not acting trustworthy. No regrets there.
At my inner core, I came to believe I was a great catch and that God had good things in store for me, close by...When you really believe that, I think you radiate it to the world. All I know is people were positive to me, men noticed me, my kids seemed to admire me more, and H definitely awoke...but yes, this was over several months and then when h began his pursuit that also took months for me to trust and for him to confirm in his mind...years people, not weeks.

When I see people journalling & analyzing their spouse or situation every day, i think it's fine but it will wear you out if you analyze daily interactions. This stuff lasts for hundreds of days, or more... The WAS isn't even aware of half of the things they're doing or saying.
I spent way way too much time staring at h and wondering what he was doing or why, why WHY he was doing it, and did not focus on what I could control/affect (ME/My future) until so many months of pain had passed. I regret that wasted time spent on what I had no control over and what almost made me nuts, and NOT spent on my life/GAL/180's and becoming the happier centered woman I could become.
SIngle biggest regret-wasting all that time obsessing about h.

I was thinking I might start a thread for this week b/c I can't find my oldest or original ones and even if I could, it's probably wiser for me to summarize and speak from the vantage point of one who is on the other side now.

Sorry for the hijack.