From small beginnings come great things

[2stepboogie]

Well 25 it would have appear than it a matter of a few days you have become somewhat of a celebrity. As for Cat,she has always been but you came out of nowhere. There is a lot of information here i will start with your post because you answered first and then go with Cat.

I will say this. You ladies are making my head work overtime and I appreciate the feedback more than you ever know.

A single conversation across the table with a wise person is worth a month's study of books, in this case I have several people in the conversation. I am indeed a lucky man.

So let's get to it..........

I think what you are saying is that It's the internal process you are struggling with, correct? It's like You are wondering what your new mantra or theme song should be now, is it "Kiss it Goodbye" , "Re-United", or "Forget You!"

This is exactly how I am feeling. I agree with what you mentioned about the confusing in her own heart and head. I get the impression that she continuously struggles with her decision and constantly talks herself out of what she wants and what she what she feels is the right decision.

I do however think that to a certain degree apart from her own confusion she has experienced a certain level of control with me she never felt she had and enjoys it. Maybe the word enjoys is a bit simplistic but I think you get my meaning.

I will give a short example:
A buddy of mine was talking to her back in Jan, now this buddy is very close to the both of us and she asked him if he had spoken to me recently. He said no. She said 'I know why. He is pi$$ed because I am divorcing his a$$." She feels empowered.

She does constants temp checks on me to make sure I am still around and in her mind (I believe) enjoys thinking that I am still on the line.

I did NOT work more at my job b/c my counselor said the "last thing your kids need is another absent parent" and that made sense.

Some people suffer at work while others consume themselves with work. I was the latter. I worked till 8 sometimes 9 just to avoid coming home. This sounds terrible but I did not want to be around my D much because the guilt and shame I felt was unbearable. My mom took care of D until I got home and then she would leave but by the time I got home D was getting ready for bed. I did this mainly in Jan and early Feb when I felt the worse despair.

As a result my D suffered and I was the cause. Any reminder of XW was painful. I stayed away from friends and things that reminded me of her. This is a sitch that I am presently correcting. I am coming home earlier now and I have banned my cell phone and computer while D is still awake. I am not bitter or short with her. Instead I am happy and upbeat around her. I have spent time playing with her and I am trying to recover some lost time. I will tell you one of the hardest days for me in Jan was my D bday. This day was extremely painful for me. The bday planner when I arrived gave me the bday Dad badge and then asked me when the bday mom would arrive, it took every ounce of energy to keep from crying. I am NOTa crier.

Stress that SHE had nothing to do with it and ask your ex if she could confirm and validate that with D.

This has been done on several occasions by me and by XW just like me my D needs a lot of validation at this time. I know that if I need XW to call her and talk to her she will.

I recall that I had clients who would tell me they were dating "a great guy" but that "he doesn't get along with the kids" and I always interrupted them then to ask, "how is he great if he doesn't get along with your kids?" They were asking for trouble..

Regarding this for the immediate future I am much more interested in healing than I am in dating. However I share your opinion here 1000%. I will be discreet and NO ONE will meet my D unless I have found someone who I have learned to trust, which will be a task in itself. I am a package deal it is a two for one special and unless you can deal with that then you can walk away.

So 2step, Can you (eventually) see dating new women?

Sometimes I am actually excited at the possibilities of dating but those feelings last a very short time. I am still extremely guarded and very hurt, but going forward can I see myself dating. Absolutely. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I consider myself a pretty darn good catch also.

Can you also see your ex w as a potential woman to date? I know she's far away and all, but in theory, can you imagine her as a "pen pal plus", who MIGHT live near you someday

Now the question because a little more hazy in my mind and I guess that has to do with the timing of the question. A pen pal plus? Never really had one before so I have no idea. lol Will she live near me? No. I do not see this scenario in my head in the least. Her mother who is in need of a lot of care lives in the same town and her sister also lives there. That is the extent of her family. So her moving for career or relocation is an absolute no. Now can I imagine dating my XW? Actually I think that would be kind of fun, but dating someone with whom you share so much history I would imagine can be a little tricky, dating from across the country darn right painful (I know Cat I am getting to you):)

If you were to be in a R with a new woman & you came to care for each other, would that be so confusing that it is a bad or a good thing, in your eyes?

Such a simple question that is so incredibly hard to answer. Timing? Maybe it is the timing of the question? If you are asking me this today I don't believe I can give you an honest answer.

Can you progress in your growth without knowing the future?

The other night I went through several pages of my personal journey. I realized I have made some progress and if you go back and read my first two threads they were from a person in such deep pain I hardly knew him. Do I still feel shock? Yes. Do I still feel loneliness? Yes. Do I still feel sad? Every day. BUT. I think I have grown by leaps and bounds since I have been here. I imagine that I will continue, even if I fight it. If there's no breaking then there's no healing, and if there's no healing then there's no learning.

But can you live your life as if you are single, & she's not likely to come back, but she's someone from your past who you once cared deeply for? Shut the door, don't keep looking back at it, but don't lock it either.

In my mind this is a dangerous scenario. The short answer is yes I can, sometimes I stop myself short but I am getting better at that. Now can I close the door but not lock it. WOW, 25, I am not sure.

I know it's hard to swim to the other shore if you keep turning over your shoulder to look back at the beach you left. You feel you won't make it to the other side if you keep turning back, yet if you only knew she'd be there on the beach, then...and since you don't know that, you'd like to go to the other shore anyhow...but you wonder if you should turn back now and see what's there on the beach...or if you'll be missing yet another tide that would have helped you get to the other side faster, to your new life, your future happiness...

To keep the metaphor going, I say swim on to the other side. You are divorced. She filed and that was that. If she wants to catch up with you, she'll have to swim too, not knowing what she'll find on the new shore. At least you'll know she made the effort without guarantees, like the rest of us.


Now, Not everyone can do what I'm about to say so if you can't, you can't. But perhaps you can try to swim to the other side while knowing that she may enter the water sometime later, and she may make the whole swim & come your way and knock on your hut and she may want in...what then??

These paragraph's alone have made me think all day. This metaphor makes so much sense to me that it is silly how it totally computes in my head. I don't know how long you plan on sticking around with us, but if you do you will find that I struggle to get new concepts sometimes. I debate I argue, just ask Cat, but once it clicks and I see it, well it's like the light bulb lit up.

Now the last part. Well you answered it yourself, I can't answer right now. I have a gut feeling on whether she will indeed enter the water or not, but it is just a gut feeling.

Time will tell on whether she enters and how I will react.

I will say that a lot has to do with what she brings to the table and the work she is willing to do to make it work. What she does and says will be very important and even today I refuse to jump back into anything, not that anyone is asking. I do NOT want to back on this site with a new story and new heartbreak.

[b]But what if she really wants back in? What if she changes or does the work?

First off, if she really wants back in, You will know. She won't be vague or fuzzy about it. If she is still fuzzy about it, would you really want to bother fooling around with that?

If she wants back in bad enough I suppose she could do the work. If she is still fuzzy about it then there is nothing to discuss. It is ALL or nothing.

Is this too much for you? Too complex emotionally?

Not too much and def not complex. Actually quite easy to understand.

To answer one of your questions I have not quoted. Yes I have thanked her for being a mother to D and stepping up to the plate I recognize that not everyone is willing to do that.

But for me, it's not worth it to lose my privacy. Different strokes.

My single biggest mistake and one that will NEVER be repeated. That part that bothers me so much is I wanted this to be changed sooooo many times but never pulled the trigger. I should have.

Why do those things have to be missing?
Don't you dare tell me distance...
853 driving miles from my front door to that of my BF...

Well Cat I do see the distance as such a huge barrier. I see the distance in two different way. Good in the sense that it has allowed both of us to grow and reflect without interfering with each other but I see it as a barrier because it also does not allow us to see each other and spend quality time together. But your point is not lost with me. Just wanted to clarify mine.

It also says to me that your changes weren't as real as you wanted them to be. Because you were still trying to gear your behavior to create the outcome you wanted...

Instead of just being real...

I think that is to be expected from anyone in the infant stages of this thing and when that happened I believe I had been on the boards a total of 2-3 weeks tops. I believe to change yourself is perhaps one of the toughest things to do and it takes time and patience. And yes, I always operated with a clear and defined goal in mind. Save the M.

Now as I briefly mentioned the last night I got a short message from XW if you remember it would have been our 9th anniversary yesterday. I did not answer the text instead I showered and went to bed but I did answer it this morning.

Last night 11:30 W: you ok?

This morning 9:20 AM M: yep I am ok. U?

9:57AM W: I'm ok

11:44 AM W: Was just checking considering what yesterday was

12:18PM M: I appreciate it, hope you had a decent day

W: I'm sure u do...Ur welcome. It was alright. Was surprised u didn't contact me

5:03 PM W: Still nothing

5:57PM M: Sorry been tied up all day. I didn't realize you were looking for a response from me.

W: I wasn't

M: "still nothing" Not sure what this means then?

W: I thought u might respond but I didn't expect it

6:31PM M: Been busy all day

8:11PM W: It's ok I understand

M: Last person I figured you'd want to talk to was me yesterday

W: Yes and no. I really wanted to make sure u were ok.
W: That sounds bad and different than how I meant it.
W: I guess a good way is...Hey I know today s^cks..Thinking of ya hope ur ok...There that sounds better.

M: Yeah I can see that

W: U see what?

M: Your last comment just figured you wanted your space as you've indicated to me

W: Oh ok...Now I am confused...Was just saying...Hey hope ur doing ok

M: I am ok hope you are also

W: Thank You

That was it.

So if you have made this far without falling asleep I commend you and I will share a song with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OId8ByO4jg