What to do next

[JustStunned]

50 yrs loom like the Sword of Damocles.
She is dissatisfied with life.
She runs away because she’s angry.
She’s angry because she’s afraid.
She afraid this will be her lot in life.

She’s afraid I won’t change.
She’s afraid she won’t change.
She’s afraid life will not change.
She’s afraid the horse hair will break
She’s afraid the sword will fall

Thing is we’ve both changed as a result of her decision and action.
She doesn’t see these changes and so she keeps running firm in her decision.

Fight or flight, confront the fear and change or run
Running away is easier than changing and perpetuates the myth of the victim.
Victims must have villains, so I am vilified.
History is rewritten to support the decision and justify the action.
Giving up, kicking her to the curb, quitting is easier and perpetuates the myth of the villain.

I am not the villain.
Quitting is very difficult, adapting is easier I am a stubborn SOB.
Is this a cheese less hole? No, for I am trying something new; adapting, changing me
So, I will change and keep changing.

When the sword is gone and 50 yrs has past
Will she see? Will she even look?
The changes are apparent, even to people who don’t know of this sitch. I have comments from some wondering what prompts the change.
IDK, but I do not change to show her. I change for me. If she does not see, it is her loss.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: I have not posted in a week so this will be long and disjointed, sorry if it is difficult to read. I lurked on the board yesterday and for a little while tonight. I am trying to get to a better place emotionally before contributing to a discussion. I am making slow progress forgiving W and myself for this drama.

So Saturday I took the dog for a walk in the park and checked out a boarding facility for him. I have to travel for business next month and I’ll need to board him for several days when family cannot watch him. The staff at the facility was pleasant and it is clean. We have a trial half day during the first week in May.

Sunday I went to the Venture Scout fund raiser and ate breakfast with my niece and one of the SILs. They both gave me hugs and the convo was pleasant even though it was a little stinted. I made a point of speaking with my niece afterward asking her to try and let go of her anger with W over this sitch. She has been more of a daughter than a niece.

Tuesday, W sent me a text informing me she would drop off boxes and tape to pack what she was taking out of the house. I told her I was busy that night and would not meet her at the house. Tuesday night is when I shoot in the archery league. During leagues I began to ruminate about this sitch and lost concentration in the middle of the last game. I caught myself and managed to finish well, but not before losing 10 points to this drama. I need to compartmentalize better.

Wednesday, one of the realtors got back to me with her market analysis numbers. It doesn’t look like we are under water but we’re not far from it. She suggested I share pictures of the house and its condition with the Ls as W’s L wanted the house listed at the end of the month and that is not realistic. She also recommended I get a second opinion. I have contacted another realtor to meet with next week.

Tonight our daughter and I had dinner out together. She posted the news on her FB and said it was nice to catch up with Dad.

Later, W called my cell and I answered asking what I could do for her? She wanted me to know she has almost gotten all of her records and credit cards statements together for the disillusionment. She was upbeat and happy on the phone. I maintained a business like demeanor. She wanted me to know she might be late coming over for the inventory and packing of the household goods. I suggested we cancel it as this is the Easter holiday weekend and we both have plans. Her tone indicated surprise when she heard I had plans for Easter. I did not rise and tell her what my plans are. I reminded her we were to inventory and establish dispositions for the household goods not inventory and move them. She is in such a rush to run away. She has so little to accomplish and is running her program on her time. I don’t think she realizes her CPU is overclocked and will burn up if she doesn’t slow down.

[BeingMe]

I can't help thinking she might be rushing because she fears changing her mind. A thought?

Glad you're having a good time, despite the disruption.

[sandi2]

I can't help thinking she might be rushing because she fears changing her mind. A thought?

I doubt it. Try not to tell yourself things like this b/c it doesn't serve any purpose except to dissapoint.

[Redo]

JS: Glad you are able to move on during this time. Sometimes i wonder what is worse. Spouse staying with you and not filing for D and the marriage is still bad. Or a spouse like in your and my case that is in a hurry to D and move on.

Personally for me i am having a hard time dealing with the whole divorce process (involving child custody and money) and dealing with emotional loss of family. I am hoping that once the divorce is over, at-least i'll only have to deal with the emotional loss aspect..

Take care.

[JustStunned]

Hi, BeingMe, Sandi2 and mykarma, Thank You for the responses. I appreciate the time everyone takes to follow this thread.

In an earlier thread I posted a comment W made about visiting with her Aunt to prevent me from talking her out of her decision. It did not make much sense to me then. The women W was; would not easily back away from a decision made so firmly. While I do not always recognize the person W is, I have no expectation anything I say or do will dissuade her.

I am getting by. I know a good time and this isn’t it. However, I am making lemonade, and trying to sweeten it just a little.
Maybe I will find some Vodka this weekend, lemon drops anyone?

Sandi2, I follow some of the same threads as you do. Your comments, and suggestion are generally spot on. Thank you for sticking with this group.

Mykarma, the way I see this is I have 4 choices.

1. eat a round, not going to happen.

2. curl up in a corner with a box of tissues, tried that, it was not productive and tissues got expensive.

3. Passively wait for this to get better, which is an awful lot like choice 2.

4. Take charge of my sitch and all aspects of it that I can control. I have always marveled how the general orders for sentries can be applied to life in general. I am taking the 4th choice. Although I used a few tissues this weekend.

I think on some levels it is human nature to want what you don’t have. For the five days between bomb and W moving out I just wished we could be separated while I gathered myself. Now that I have I wish we were more closely connected. Of course my biggest wish is to use the WABAC with Mr. Peabody and Sherman. I’d go back to when our Son announced his decision to enlist and get W into IC.

Journaling: Her family has divided into two camps, one actively supporting her position and the other passively supporting both of us. Easter was an interesting holiday. I helped prepare dinner and ate with portions of my family that could attend. She celebrated with her active support group, and the passive supporters had a separate gathering sharing videos, photos and comments through FB passivly with both of us. Thanksgiving and Christmas should be interesting.

I have another realtor coming by the house on Wednesday. I found a leak near the chimney chase. It is probably a flashing and relatively easy to repair, but it just points out how the roofing I installed 21 yrs ago need to be replaced. It never rains it pours, pardon the pun. I need to find the humor

Today is mom’s 84th B-Day. My sister is in town and my after work time will be filled for the rest of this week. I will get on the board and contribute when I can, but I need the emotional support my sister and mother can give.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: Forgot to mention W called last Saturday. I don’t have 2steps skill set for details of a convo, but she first asked if I could talk.

After I said I could, she asked if I had made progress about what we discussed with the Ls during the meeting.

The meeting lasted over an hour, a lot was discussed, and I asked what she was referring to specifically.

She wanted to know if I had begun to speak with realtors, would I consider her cousin’s W as a potential realtor.

I told her I had already met with one realtor, had another appointment for Wednesday and I would not consider her cousin’s W as I did not trust this person.

At this point I looked across the room and watched the blood drain from my mothers face. I realized I was discussing selling the house with W and had not discussed this aspect with mom.

W began to defend her choice of realtor and I asked her to wait a minute while I walked outside.

She asked why she should wait and what was so important outside.

Anger crept into my voice as I began to explain I was visiting mom and this discussion was upsetting her. W said goodbye then and hung up while I was in mid sentence having just stepped outside to continue the convo. Mom is ok but the conversation she overheard did upset her and it took a while before she began to relax and visit again.

Monday, sister and I had dinner with mom, cut a cake and sang happy birthday. For years mom has told everyone she is 16, pregnant with twins and doesn’t know who the father is. Monday she decided she felt 48 and tired. She’s 84. This sitch is beginning to wear on her and the discussion about selling the house was just one more thing for her to stress about. She is beginning to lose her sense of humor. She always uses humor to deflect stress

Tuesday I shot leagues with a handful of people. I did poorly. I am having a problem with the new bowstring. The small group made chatting easy and I enjoyed myself. One of the vets there commented how calm I was about the equipment problem I was having. It is just one more thing to adapt to.

Today I met with another realtor. Two actually, they explained they team sell. From their perspective we are underwater and they suggested a short sale. They explained selling the house close to what W thinks it should bring is a fantasy in this market. I need to contact another realtor to meet the minimum of three suggested during the meeting and report the information to my L.

I am meeting mom and sis for dinner again tonight.

I need to call W sometime tomorrow and ask her what she thinks we should sell the RV for. We’re underwater on that also so she and I will need to make up the difference when it sells so the bank will permit the title to transfer. I don’t know if W understands selling the RV will cost her several thousand dollars. I tried to explain it once back in January. She told me to stop trying to change her mind about the D. This is all about the mechanics of this partnership dissolving. I feel very little emotion about it now….waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I am perplexed about something. One of the dehumidifiers is missing from the gun safe. I can only surmise it walked when W took her good jewelry, but what would she want with a dehumidifier? Strange.

[Starsky309]

Maybe you should allow her relative to give you a competitive market analysis (price) on the house, if nothing else. Doesn't mean you have to GO wtih her, but it would -- coupled with the two CMAs you've already received -- jolt your wife back to reality about the home's value, without you having to be the bad guy.

Just a thought.

Starsky

[JustStunned]

Hi Starsky, Thank you for the reply. It is food for thought. I’m not worried about being the bad guy, facts are facts I’m just reporting them. If W feels the need I will not stand in her way of getting another analysis. I want to be standing on firm ground if that happens.

Journaling: W called last night while I was visiting with my sister and I pushed the call to VM. I took a little, just a little perverse joy in pressing “Ignore”. This means I need to detach more. I should feel nothing.

I returned the call today when she should have been at lunch. We spoke about when to inventory the household items. She’ll come over on Saturday morning and spend about 4 hours.

I asked her what price she wants to put on the RV.
She told me she has an interested buyer.
I asked her what price she wants to put on the RV.

She wants to ask for $2000.00 more than we owe and let the buyer talk us down to what we owe but not to go below.

Thing is we are defiantly underwater on the RV. I expect to eventually sell it for about 60% of what we owe if we are lucky. Tonight I will take pictures of the interior and send them to W’s L along with her price. He has a park unit at a local national chain camp ground and will post them on its bulletin board.

All in all the convo was pleasant. It was easier for me to be pleasant as I had prepared for it.

Sorry I am not on the board more I have out of town family visiting and I am sure you will all understand.

[BeingMe]

Sounds like you are doing well. I'm so sorry that your mom is taking this badly. Try and get that humour back for her, in some way, i.e. take her to the movies and see a comedy, or somethin' like that.

Otherwise, you sound like you are doing well. I like your choice #4.