Rollercoaster of love

[LearningPatience]

Yes, I knew I deserved the 2x4 Starsky. Trying to go dim and detach, but not always succeeding. Guess that's why I come here, free motivational coaches

Hadn't talked to her in about a day and a half when she IMed me last night. Just some light talk she initiated and I ended. Sent her an email before bed letting her know I'm getting my mail forwarded so that I don't have to stop by so often. Said it nicely and also let her know a package was coming tomorrow that wouldn't be forwarded. Her reply back this afternoon was very short (essentially I'll let you know when the package comes). Not sure if it's because she's super busy at work or just upset, but I know I need to stop caring about why. Knowing I need to stop is the first step, right?

Been interacting with friends I haven't seen in a while and picked up my guitar (which I can't really play) again last night. Along with the running I think the GAL is doing ok.

Hoswald - difficult doesn't begin to describe the trip, along with the other things going on in life I'm surprised it went as well as it did. This was a trip planned a long time ago, at the time we all planned it I assumed we'd have patched things up by now. It's taken a lot longer than I ever thought it would and I'm still here.

W and I have had some talks and I do believe she is just friends with OM (most evidence points to this). Still, she is fence sitting in terms of who she will have in her life. W has told mutual friends OM isn't someone she could spend a life with. If I can get myself to stay dim it will at least help me decide what I want and maybe W will realize she misses me. Maybe

[Starsky309]

W and I have had some talks and I do believe she is just friends with OM (most evidence points to this).

After how much she has lied to you, over long periods of time, why do you believe her now?

Most cheaters, if they admit to anything at all, will cop to one level LESS than what the truth is ("just friends" = "emotional affair"; EA = PA, etc.). For your own emotional well-being, I'd encourage you to just figure that it's most likely a full-blown affair, and proceed accordingly.

Starsky

[LearningPatience]

That's one thing she hasn't done is lie to me, for better or worse. When things started going south last year, I saw her text messages, she told me she was going over to his house, told me she kissed him, told me after the fact that she slept with him the night I tried to kill myself, etc. Now, has she told me everything, most likely not.

Not proud of it, but the snooping I had done leads me to believe the PA was a one time thing. Could it have been more than that, sure. Could it be going on now? Sure. I do think that she's on the tail end of her R with OM but hangs on due to loneliness. In the end, it doesn't really matter why she hangs on though. In the end, she loses a R with one or both of us.

I do appreciate the advice and see where you are coming from. Honestly, it's the EA that hurts more than the PA and it's all painful.

[LearningPatience]

Not much new to add this morning. Got one practical question text from W yesterday, answered her a while later and got a thanks. Spent evening with my kids and bought tickets to go see a concert in Toronto this summer. Bought two tickets in case anyone wants to come along but am more than willing to go by myself.

While falling asleep last night, the usual jumbled thoughts came through before the Ambien kicked in. One that I'd never had before that I really liked was the realization that I will *not* be a victim, in my MR or in any other R again. I'm tired of the feeling and it's time to move on from that.

One thing that may be hard in my detaching process is our group of friends. There's a long standing tradition of going to the bar for a few drinks on Wednesday nights, different bars each week, different cast of characters each time. I enjoy meeting up with my friends but have mixed feelings about my W being there. Part of me would love to see her on Weds and part of me hopes she doesn't go. Most of the people there are people I introduced her to and are sympathetic to me (most are advocating dumping W), but no one has been anything but nice to each of us.

I used to feel that maybe I should just quit going to make it easier on her, but I've realized that she's the one that alienated herself to the group so if she's uncomfortable, she can be the one to stay home.

OK, enough rambling for now...

[LearningPatience]

First, I have to say I've read all of 25yearsmlc's responses to the other posts and I want to nominate her for a Pulitzer

Just a little pleasant journaling, gotta put the good out there too...

Didn't feel like going to the bar with friends last night, as it was across town and there's tons of construction. Got text from W that a package I was waiting for came in (Lost complete 38 disc collection, so excited!).

me: Yay, happy me I'm not going to bar night so I'll have to figure out a time to get it

W: I'm not going either

me: Would it be ok for me to pick it up tonight? 7-7:30 or so?

W: Yes, I am exhausted from long days but should still be awake. U can grab the mail from the mailbox too if u wish in case it's yours. I just got home at 6 and crashed but after my haircut at least I don't look awful. Mostly

me: I'm sure you look great as usual I'll try not to wake you up. Thanks!

W: The door is unlocked and the package by it. Mail in kitchen..come say hi I'll be in my room but most likely not sleeping.

So, W was awake reading and having a glass of wine. I figured I'd spend 5 minutes there tops. Ended up staying 45 minutes as W kept talking and I kept listening and validating. Really long workdays for her with lots of stress. I used to work with her, so I could relate and knew most of the people she was talking about.

After she recounted her last several days I went to leave and she followed me around the house still talking with me. Made it a point to show me her lengthening to-do list, which was things I normally took care of. I knew better not to offer to do any of these.

Finally got outside with my package and W follows there too. Said goodbye and W reaches out for a hug. Hugged back with one arm as I had the huge package in the other. In hindsight I guess I could have put the box down for a bigger hug, oh well.

Had planned on running as it was a nice evening, but the lure of the box got the better of me and I spent two hours watching Lost extras and drinking wine of my own. Pretty good night all in all.

Right now, I'm happy with the dim approach. Gives me time to GAL and W time to figure out what she really wants. She really does seem to light up when she sees me these days. I guess we both do.

[LearningPatience]

Not much else to say about my sitch and W. Been pretty dim w/ each other, though she did text a few times when I was at my brother's over the weekend, asking when I was coming back (no idea why) and if we still had plans for brewery dinner this week/weekend. One word reply was 'yes' and that's been about it for conversations.

Went to IC today and I've been realizing my mood has been getting better and that I'm starting to enjoy living alone. It's funny, W used to complain that she wanted freedom and no responsibilities since she had her D so young. Now, she's working 50 hour weeks, has house, yard and animals to take care of. She's also struggling financially. Me, I have my boys T/Th and every other Sat. Other than that, my work is flexible so I could take time off whenever I want, I have three day weekends every other week, no animals to take care of and no home responsibilities. I do miss W, but I'm realizing just how well off I have it. Might be hard to give up if W ever wants to R...

[LearningPatience]

Had an interesting IM conversation with W last night. I *think* I did alright, though I suspect W was upset at the end.

Preface: W was responding to a treadmill question I made the day before and my mom died a month ago...

W: to your run question- about a 5 k but I walked some. Once I get new shoes I want to do a 5 k with you. I guess running outside would be step 1

me: congrats! outside is different, and a 'real' race is even more different, just the atmosphere of it and all. walking is fine, I walked short distances on my last race and still did well

W: I wanted to make sure you wanted to do [beer dinner] on Sat instead of Sunday. I though you might want company on Sunday?

me: thanks for the thought, I understand I told MIL and FIL that I'd do some work for them Sunday. In a way, it's like spending time with my surrogate mom that day

W: I should have guessed. K

and that was that. W and her mom haven't been speaking much, MIL has been somewhat critical of her D's choices, and neither of them are willing to reach out to the other.

The obvious good is that she wants to start running with me (well, at least a race) and that she cared enough to spend time with me on Mother's Day. The not so obvious good is that I didn't revert to previous behaviour. Before, I would have said 'sure, lets do Sunday' and then tried to rearrange everything for W. I'm sure my ILs would be fine with either day, but that's no longer the point. I have plans and if W is angry about that it really isn't my problem to fix.

[LearningPatience]

I really should journal more often so that I can keep my thoughts straight.

Didn't hear from W all week until Friday when she emailed and said she hadn't been feeling well. She wanted to let me know in case we couldn't do the brewpub the next day that we had planned (something she promised me for an xmas gift). Told her that would be fine and wished her well. I didn't ask specifics and she didn't volunteer, so I assumed allergies or similar.

Went to the brewpub on Saturday with W. It was an hour from us so she drove there. Said there was a chance we'd have to spend the night (?) because of how she might feel. Turns out she nearly passed out Thurs and had to go home. Friday wasn't much better. I offered to drive and/or cancel if she wasn't well but she said it would be ok. I was annoyed that OM had to take her home and was checking on her rather than me, but I didn't let her know or show it.

Had a good time at the brewpub. We got along great, she drank just a beer or two (she's small) but told me I could drink as much as I wanted (another ?). I didn't, because I wanted to make sure to stay in control of myself, but it was still an odd comment from her. We enjoyed talking to each other but acted completely like friends instead of anything more than that. Got back to the house around 11:30, had a small hug and I left.

Wished W a happy mother's day Sun morning via email. Also thanked her for the dinner, drinks and company. Saw W briefly at MIL house Sunday afternoon. I had stopped over there to take down some trees for the ILs. Had another half-hearted hug before she left. Took down four trees and satisfied my inner lumberjack. Visited with the ILs for a while after and enjoyed the day with them.

I still feel torn about my feelings for the sitch. Sometimes I just want to move on with out her, other times I want her so badly. I woke up at 2:30am after our brewpub and so wanted to text her, but I didn't. In many ways I feel we're drifting apart even more, but I know that as long as OM is still her friend, I can't really be with her.

W's bday is Thursday. I offered to take her out to eat. She's going out with ILs that night. For a while I thought she was going to go with OM; she told him that no one ever does anything for her bday, even her parents (triple ?). Again, I know I can't do anything about it, but it bothers me time to time. We're going to go out Sun before a play we've had tickets to for months.

OK, time to catch my breath...

[LearningPatience]

My IC made me realize something in a session last week. All of the activities that W and I have been doing or have planned were previous plans from months ago. Other than my dinner invite for bday, we have not planned anything together. She expressed interest in doing a 5K with me, and I told her of one that might work, but nothing has come of it and I know I shouldn't remind her.

I broke down and sent a quick email yesterday afternoon to see how she was feeling.

Me: Hey W,
just wanted to see how you've been feeling. Hopefully you've made a doctor appointment that you can fit into your schedule. Or you're all better. Either is good. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help (like connect the yellow dots on your hands:)

(she told me that when she was close to passing out she saw yellow spots on her hands)

W: Haha you are funny:)
I felt pretty good yesterday but not as great today. Yes I broke down and make an appt for Wed. I am looking forward to the blood work:(

I sometimes (often) worry about going so dim with her. She used to initiate conversations if I hadn't in a while, but now, she rarely if ever starts any convo and is pleasant but short when responding to me. The few times we've interacted in the last few weeks have been great though. And I think *she's* confused!

Sent her a bday card yesterday. Simple humorous one, with a generic, friendly message, but did sign it Love, Me.

My GAL activities are coming along well. Signed up for races in June, July and August. Also will be volunteering at our local art festival in a couple of weeks and may go to a party Friday night where I'll only know a few people. Definitely takes me out of my comfort zone.

[LearningPatience]

First, thanks 25 for your response to me in alamo's thread. This may get long and rambling, so you might want to grab a beverage...

W initiated a conversation by texting me last night while I was at a pub w/ friends

W: No diagnosis just lots of abnormal tests:) I love doctors
Me: The tests or the results were abnormal? I'm sure it wasn't the patient:)
W: no the patient is abnormal
Me: You should get a second opinion
W: I am the second opinion...Abnormal:)

I got home about 45 minutes later (10 ish) and followed up with

Me: Sleep well Abby:) (not her real name)
W: huh?
Me: Abby Normal, your new nickname:)
W: hee hee

Woke up in a good mood this morning. Today is W's bday and I'd been dreading it a bit. Been sad that I won't be doing anything with her, but I tell myself it's her day and she chooses how to spend it.

My GAL activities are keeping me super busy. S12 concert tonight followed by watching hockey game w/ friends (game 7!). Working on W house tomorrow followed by bonfire, Sat have 5K and kids afterwards and sunday, SUNDAY, sunday W and I have dinner and 'broadway' musical. Might see W tomorrow while working on house, depends on how long I stay (I have the day off). She feels guilty for not helping but I kinda prefer to do the work on my own anyhow, not that I told her.

OK, I have an actual question besides just journaling here. I got a little bit of life insurance money from my mom. I planned on giving the kids (including SD) a few hundred each for school, etc. I think my mom would have been happy with that. I *want* to give W the same for the same reason. I can see how it would be pursuing and/or enabling. OTOH, it's money I didn't have before and I'm a generous person (sometimes too much).