Hank, your W is wanting the good times (family outings, Church, BD parties) and occasionally ML (if she's in the right mood), but she doesn't miss you. That is the part that concerns me. I agree that this calls for a lot of patients on your part and I think you need to space your visits and the "favors" you do for her. Remember the first thing we learn in DBing was to be less available? She can't have everything on her terms.
Of course she likes having her independence! She doesn't feel guilty when it's your day with the kids b/c that frees her up to be footloose without having to give any answers about her where-abouts or anything else. I can understand that. I think a lot of women would like to have a few days like that, but it doesn't look very nice for a good wife and mother to be like that, and some people might not think as highly of her. But, if she's S from her H and he has the kids, well then, that makes it okay (in the eyes of some)for her to do whatever....she choses, whenever she choses. After all, she's footlose and fancy free.
As long as she feels you are smothering her, you do not need to move back in with her. I'm not saying that everything has to be perfect before going back home....but on this one thing....don't go back as long as she has the need to go to parties without you or feels that you are spending too much time around her and she needs a break. Red flag, my friend.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The weekend was great. W had the kids on friday night but we spent the entire day saturday and sunday as a family. On sunday we went to a friends b-day party and in the evening we all went to W's parents house. This was the first time since the bomb that I have been over there. They were very nice and at first it was uncomfortable but as it went on it felt like old times.
Had second MC session on Monday and it went very well. We came to the understanding that I need verbal encouragement when it comes to our relationship and W needs less talk and more actions. Since then the W has been more open and we both have been comfortable around each other.
W said that she has decided to give this M another shot and has thought that she would be asking me to come home in next week or so. She said she hadn't told me this cause she didn't want me to pressure her with an exact date. I was happy to hear that but I don't want to get my hopes up too much cause I'm not home yet. We decided to do this coming weekend as a family and that I will be spending the night with them on Saturday night and we will be going to each others parents house.
Another topic was the past. W has said that she hasn't been happy and can't remember any past good times. The counselor suggested we write down happy memories and go over them. Instead of reading our list to each other we have decided to take turns each day texting one to each other and the calling and talking about it. Started two days ago, has been fun.
These last few weeks have been great. All of our contact has been very positive and I have seen a side of my W that I haven't seen for some time.
Of course it all can't be wine and roses. I asked my mom, dad and step mom about my W coming over for Easter and two of them said they would do it but wasn't happy with it. They said that they are angry with her still and don't want to be around her. They said that I have been treated bad and wasn't just going to forget about it. I told them that I understood their feelings but that this was my decision and that my family is a package deal. It has caused tension but they have backed off a bit and said that she is welcome. Today I called one of brothers to talk to him about my sitch and he told me that I talk about it to much and that the family is getting worn with me bringing it up all of the time. I do talk about it a lot but I thought that my family was my support group. Guess not.
Sounds like things are progressing well. The family often holds grudges for a while. But they will take their lead from you. So if you are alright with her, they will be too, eventually.
Unfortunately family, while the most logical choice, are not always the best in terms of support. There is inherent bias, previous relationship influence, tendency to judge more harshly, thinking they "know how you are already" when you have changed, and so on.
I decided to "DB" my family, and her family, and I believe I am better off for it.
I suggest a more objective third party for support, preferably someone who doesnt know W.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Of course it all can't be wine and roses. I asked my mom, dad and step mom about my W coming over for Easter and two of them said they would do it but wasn't happy with it. They said that they are angry with her still and don't want to be around her. They said that I have been treated bad and wasn't just going to forget about it.
I think that is why MWD is not in favor of exposure of the S who is in an A. Of course, in some cases the stitch is revealed one way or the other, but this is an example of what she's pointing out. Even when the LBS can forgive and R with the WAS, it's not that easy on the parents.
I had the exact feelings toward an XSIL who cheated on my D. Parents don't fall in love with the one you M, and when you get hurt and treated badly, then those parental feelings rise and it is hard to get over.
I would suggest that you don't pursue any get-togethers with your W and parents anytime soon. It will cause everyone to feel uncomfortable. After things are healed in the M and the parents have time to adjust and trust her, then have the get-togethers.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The weekend went pretty good. We all went to the b-day party on saturday and everybody seemed to be getting along fine with the W. my kids had fun and W and I had good time also. I spent the night and we got up and did Easter stuff with kids. Went to church, then her parents house, followed b y my dads and then finally my moms. All house went good with her family treating me very nice and my dads house treating W good. My moms was a different story. W was very uncomfortable there because my mom and brothers we keeping the distance. This caused tension between the W and I and it had the W crying by the end of the night.
We talked about it and I listened to her concerns and tried to let he know that I cared about what she felt. I made comments that she started to second guess her decision to go once she got there but believed they were not trying to be mean intentionally but I could have been awkward for them also. We where both tired so we went right to bed after the kids.
I have been back in the house since Saturday with the W telling the kids last night that Mom and Dad were working on things and that Dad was moving back home. I also got a text from her mom saying that she was happy that I was back home, so W told her family. I am extremely happy to be home with my family. I know the work only really starts now and will have more to follow on this at a later time.
I still think you should not take her over to your mother's house until your mother is ready to let go of her anger/resentment toward your W. Trust me when I tell you it will not be good if you try this again, thinking it will be different the next time. Your W made an attempt and your mother made her cry. Why would you subject her to that when you knew how your mother felt? Ugh!
You will be caught in the middle. Your W will think you're taking up for the mother, and the mother will think you're defending the W. Both will be angry at You!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When my wife and I started to "piece", My parents resisted. Couldn't understand and I believe thought she should...suffer more.
Ahhh the Golden Rule, right?
My mother, wanted me to understand, to know, how difficult this was for her or them.
I told both my parents, "With everything I went through, and everything I did, you wanted me to understand that you were having a hard time? Fine, I do, it's hard. But tell you what; if I can do it, you sure as helll can."
Now, that seems a bit hard. It was. My wife and I were trying to create a new realtionship, I needed, we needed support, not judgemental nay-sayers, waiting to pounce.
Maybe guys see it differently, maybe it's just me. My parents raised me, with all that implies including, being able to say that to them, and I love them. I chose my wife and I love her.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
