He's not gone yet but says his feelings are gone

[Hurt-but-Hopeful]

The rollercoaster is in full effect. I let myself get my hopes up too much after our appointment Thursday and the positive signs over the weekend. Monday night I was reading a book about dealing with past trauma (the source of my depression) and doing some journaling. Some things were on my mind & bothering me so we talked a little about that stuff, not R. Before going to sleep he put his arm around me in bed. He also said ILY on his own. Tues AM was another AM of a "real" kiss and ILY before he left for work.

Then Tuesday night he said he might want to take the next appointment we have scheduled for MC to do a solo appt instead. WTH. He usually only wants to speak with the counselor alone if he has questions or wants someone else's perspective on an issue. I'm fine with him going alone - I think he should. But 1)That appt is 3 weeks since the last one and he'll then be out of town for a week, so it will be another 2 weeks from then before we can go again. and 2)I started freaking out that maybe he felt he just didn't feel anything for me anymore. Not even a spark or anything to build on. Maybe he decided he was done.

I didn't show it, but I felt anxious all day Wednesday. I have had some messages going back & forth with his brother on Facebook. His brother went through about 2 years of hell with his wife and they have reconciled & are doing great. I don't talk to his brother to find out what H says, but because his brother knows him and our situation the most. His brother told me that he encouraged H to see the counselor alone, so that made me feel better.

Everything else has still been going well. Tues night he again said ILY on his own before rolling over to go to sleep. Still upbeat for the most part and said ILY on the phone first before hanging up last night. I just feel like the limbo and anxiety is wearing me down.

I KNOW I can't worry and analyze every thing he does or says. I KNOW I should only concentrate on myself and what I should be doing for me. Sometimes it's just so tiring. I seriously felt like things were going so well through Monday that any minute he would hug me and say he wanted to stay. That he wanted to work on our M and he wanted ME. I know things aren't going to turn around overnight. I'm just so tired of this. I'm sorry, I must sound so whiny to some people here who have gone through worse and for much longer. For now, I have to be content with the fact that he's still home, still in our bed, still minorly affection and pleasantly interactive, and still hasn't said he's done. I have to remember those are all big positives and I have to be the biggest positive. This is my life whether he's in it or not, and I want to make it positive for me.