How is it that you can get over the hurt of being betrayed? I only want to talk to my girls but they always tell me when their mommy is out on a date with the OM. I would rather not know and let myself heal that way. But when it comes up, all I get is hurt.
any suggestions?
It seems like I'm fine when I don't talk to her and I don't hear about her. Am I hiding from the truth?
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Maybe you should tell your girls that you would rather not know when mom is out with OM.
It is hard because you want them to know that they can tell you anything, but you also have to heal.
Have you been betrayed?
Yes.
However it is important that you find a way that allows you to recognize that she is living her life, for her, and that is a good thing...
Even if it isn't how you wanted her to live it...
Her choices, are hers. Whether you agree with them, or like them, or think she is nuts...
They are her choices. You have to accept that.
To try to do anything to make them different, would be controlling.
We CAN NOT control what other people do. No matter how much we might want to or how bad we think their choices are.
How do you not feel betrayed...
You learn to accept that people make their choices. Sometimes they align with ours, sometimes they don't.
When they don't, we do what we need to, to not be affected by them.
Sometimes in life, people do things that hurt others. That break trusts. Things that have the potential to destroy relationships. Any kind of relationships.
What was the intention behind those actions?
Do you believe that she had some diabolical plan to destroy you?
Yes, there are people out there who do do things to intentionally cause another pain...
I believe they are in the minority. Most people, either don't think others will be hurt, or they are so damaged that they just get to a point where they have to follow their own path...
When we can realize that the intention behind actions is not cruelty, we can begin to forgive...
When we can accept that people's paths change, that we all have our own journey's to walk, we can begin to detatch...
As we forgive and detatch, we heal...
As we heal, we begin to slowly live, to move forward, and one day, we find that we have reached the other shore...
It takes time. It takes actions. It takes work.
It is worth it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
So true Cat....I really needed to hear that today. Im stuggling with the same feelings Bolt.
We do all make our own choices in life.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
How is it that you can get over the hurt of being betrayed?
TIME, it takes time and you can get over it but you can not see how right now........it is too fresh, too new.
You will learn to "Detach" from what she is doing.
I do not know if Cadet has posted to you yet but he usually includes a link to the Lance Armstrong site which has a great article on "detachment".
If the link is not somewhere here due to board policies on posting other copyrighted material it is easily found online.
Lance Armstrong was able to "detach" himself from his situation of having testicular cancer in order to function in day to day life. He could not stop it nor make the cancer "go away" but he managed to "detach" from the harsh reality of his situation in order to MOVE forward with his LIFE.
You can not stop your W from doing what she is doing but you can function and function well at that despite the pain you are in. Go check out the site, it is process, a mental gymnastics of sorts, no tricks just getting to a place where you can accept the situation at hand.
It does take TIME.......
Originally Posted By: Bolt
I only want to talk to my girls but they always tell me when their mommy is out on a date with the OM. I would rather not know and let myself heal that way. But when it comes up, all I get is hurt.
any suggestions?
They are hurting too, and in a way they are looking to you for advice. They are in the exact same place really. They want their MOM to stop what she is doing.
This is your opportunity to show them your strength and set the example for them early in life.
BTW, my daughter has learned this lesson well.....
That is the lesson of.......WE CANNOT CONTROL WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO US.
I do not want to put words in your mouth but feel free to use something like this when they tell you she is out on a date with OM.
I know it bothers you when Mommy goes out with OM, it bothers me too. However we can not control what Mommy does or anyone else for that matter even when it is hurting us. I also know that your Mommy loves you very much and would never intentionally hurt you but right now Mommy is probably hurting too and does not realize that what she is doing is hurting us. Lets try to do something else right now that will take minds off of it because thinking about it just makes you sad.
This is really a statement to yourself Bolt, your daughters have to do the same thing you do. In DR it says "Fake it until you Make it"........well this is it.
If you are not motivated to do it for yourself then at least get motivated to do it for your children.
Originally Posted By: Bolt
It seems like I'm fine when I don't talk to her and I don't hear about her. Am I hiding from the truth?
No you are not hiding from it.
You only have to stick your hand in the flame once to realize it hurts, you certainly don't have to force yourself to do it again to remind yourself that it still hurts.
This is why we preach that "snooping" is unhealthy.
Hang in there.
Happy Little Friday
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
man, every time I think I have this a little figured out...something else happens.
W just texted me that she is not working nights but going to work days. It's great news and I want to be happy for her. I am but then I'm sad. I actually feel like complete crap.
I know. I'm letting her emotions affect mine. It's still too early for me. We were intertwined for so long that it's hard to untwine for me.
I was having a pretty great day up to that point. Now I'm just dragged down.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I don't know. I guess because I feel both proud of her and happy for her. It bothers me because I want to be there to share the good news.
It also bothers me - on a weird level - that it makes her happy. I know that contradicts what I just said but since it does make her happy, it makes me sad...
Does that make any sense at all?
Maybe a part of me wants to see her in as much pain as I am...I don't know...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
