I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

I don't plan on going to court. STBXW will have to to assure the judge this is what she wants.

My L had everything all typed up by last night. I noticed a couple small things that'll need to be changed. Still, I emailed them off to STBXW this morning for her to look and suggest changes.

This time she gets D related stuff in time for the weekend. She's the ice queen though. I'm not sure she'll care.

Went out last night for a couple of hours. Met up with the friend from STBXW's high school that I met first. Basically, I became friends with her. She introduced me to her friends, then I met their friends. STBXW was in that third group.

Now that it's over, the friend last night said she wanted badly to tell me I was making a mistake 15 years ago when we were getting married. She said she could tell I was past listening, but she didn't think the M would last because STBXW just isn't all there.

Weird how the feelings shift from day to day. Yesterday, I felt like a failure. Today, I feel like I really had no chance -- deep down, STBXW just isn't capable of loving another in the way you have to to stay married. Tomorrow, it'll be another feeling.

[ClingingToHope]

Very good weekend. Friday out with friends to what's become my usual hangout. They have kind of become to "woe-is-me" CTH. One made a joke about me "not being lucky in love" I asked her what she meant.

If you line up the significant relationships in my life, they've all been beautiful. Most have been very smart and successful. All are generally nice people.

I just have to have patience. I'll find another.

Saturday, I took D8 to one of the Easter services at my church. D12 didn't want to come. She wanted time away from D8.

D8 was hilarious. She really, really got into the story of Jesus' final days. We ate dinner after and she said they taught this stuff in our other church (pre breakup), but it wasn't fun like they do it at this church.

She asked if Jesus really loves her even though she keeps trying to "kill" her sister.

I said yes, Jesus loves all sinners. The only one who never sinned was Jesus. Because of her ADHD, D8 thinks she's a bad kid.

When I dropped D8 off, D12 wanted to talk. D8 was running with the dog and fell and scraped up her knee. STBXW couldn't carry her inside because she hurt her back. I could say people generally tend to get back problems when they gain 30-40 pounds, but I won't.

So I carried D8 inside and she wanted me to stay a while so I was kind of stuck there for 30 minutes.

I felt a little different. I am still not comfortable being there since I put my heart and soul into the place and I've essentially been erased.

But I wasn't pining for STBXW to look my way either.

Made it out for a few hours after with another group of friends.

Easter alone. Not bad. I woke up and went for a run. Then I worked on a long overdue project while watching TV. Then I went to a coworker's house who was making a big Easter spread and ate firsts, seconds and thirds.

Then I went in to work. Since I didn't have anything special planned I told my boss I'd cover the Sunday shift.

I got to do a project on real estate prices and wow is it bad. I sampled 10 percent of the real estate transactions this year and only 14 of the 81 homes I looked up (we've had 798 homes sell in the first three months) were sold at a higher price than the previous transaction.

The "average" loss on a house in the first quarter of the year was $25,000 in a housing market where the average sale price has fallen to about $105,000.

I thought to myself, "good luck selling that house, STBXW."

[ClingingToHope]

Had a thought working out this morning on how to talk to D12 about D8. D12 gets frustrated when D8 has meltdowns. She ends up having to sit alone while I/STBXW calm D8 down. D8 also tends to get her way or at least negotiate a better deal to avoid meltdowns.

If it's true everyone comes into your life for a reason, D8 came to me to help me conquer my temper. For years, anger and arrogance have been the things to trip me up. I get upset when I don't get my own way and I tend to think I know everything -- or at least feel like I always have to put my two cents in.

Well, I failed with STBXW. I didn't value her opinion because deep down I don't really respect it.

With D8, she's helping me keep the temper in check because getting angry almost never, ever works. D12, if you got angry she'd get the message, most of the time. D8, it just escalates the issue.

So I'm going to try to tell D12 that D8 is a gift to us, to make us better people.

Just a random though.

Got a call from the insurance guy. Some snafu by the company caused the house insurance to lapse. He called me to tell me it was getting taken care of. I told him I didn't know anything about it and really it's none of my business. I don't live there and I'm declaring bankruptcy and signing over the deed, leaving all future decisions with STBXW.

I told him I was glad it was getting taken care of.

[ClingingToHope]

15th and final anniversary in the books. We both went to D12's talent show. D12 was the MC and played in the band and one dance.

We sat together, D8 in between, with the MIL to STBXW's right.

MIL tried to start a conversation, but I showed no interest and she got the hint. STBXW and I didn't talk or meet eyes.

At one point I was thinking to myself, OK, I should be talking to her. But then I realized there was nothing for us to talk about. I won't talk divorce with her in person. I have no interest in her job, friends or family. For years I tried to convince myself that I did, but I don't. There's nothing to discuss about the girls -- that gets done by text or email.

I looked around and noticed a few happy couples. They were chatting and pointing things out. You can tell when people like each other. STBXW and I don't "like" each other.

D12 did a great job and after D8 and I wandered around while D12 talked to STBXW and MIL. Then STBXW and MIL left and we went out to eat.

Small stab of pain. D12 wore several costumes during the night -- one was a baseball jersey of mine. Another though was a $300 Harley Davidson leather jacket STBXW bought on that South Dakota trip last year.

I hadn't seen it before and I didn't want to see it. This morning though I remembered I wouldn't be caught dead on that trip and I'm taking the girls to California next year to see the Pacific Ocean.

I have no doubts the rest of my life will be filled with great moments. What she does really has no bearing on me.

[whatisis]

CTH, I think dealing with STBX will be easier for you once the D is final and the smoke has cleared. I hope so, anyway. It's so much better for the kids if their parents can somehow communicate and enjoy times like talent shows together. I just came from my D13's last gymnastics meet of the year and sat with wife, who at the last minute decided to skip a morning of work and come along. Of course, we spent 3.5 hours sitting together and there was lots of dead time to talk if we chose to. We chatted, mostly about the Meet. Afterwards, she went to work and I went home. I'm glad we can do that because many can't. I didn't have all the crap that you've experienced but I pray that one day you'll be able to sit at your child's talent show with your ex and not feel what you were feeling at this one. Anyway, kudos for going and having the courage to sit together as a family. I know that was tough for you to do right now

[ClingingToHope]

Happy and sad at the same time. STBXW responded to the email from last week, clarifying where the settlement money will come from and asking questions about whether my bankruptcy will affect her mortgage.

She offered to have her mom store the wedding rings and the bankruptcy court wouldn't have to know.

It's a nice gesture and one I absolutely have no interest in accepting. Not claiming the wedding rings would be federal fraud and, my L told me, the ex-spouses get to see all of the stuff in a bankruptcy so STBXW would have the ability to turn me in if she felt like it. You don't want to mess around in bankruptcy.

Would she turn me in? I don't think so. Deep down she's a good person. But I also never thought she'd divorce me and when stress gets to her she lashes out. Could I see a scenario where she gets herself in a hole financially, turns to me and then threatens me if I don't help her.

Yes. There's no way I want her having any power over me post divorce.

I responded that not claiming the rings would be fraud.

I forwarded the settlement stuff to my L so he can adjust the wording.

I am relieved and a little happy that she didn't see all of the legalese and get spooked and go get another lawyer.

I also can't kill the 1 percenter in me who hates opening the emails and see her continue to march on to the end. That little corner of my soul still remembers the person I thought she was and not the one she turned out to be.

Tonight, I'm in a little hotel in the Chicago suburbs. I gave up my weekend with the girls to work three days at my summer side job. I'll make $525 this weekend -- minus meals and gas -- and will spend half of legal bills and the other half on summer stuff with the girls.

I did get a weekend back -- STBXW agreed to let me have them father's day weekend. That means I'll have D12 14 out of 16 nights in June. I have a week where I just have her. I am going to try to work a Chicago night trip in that week -- hopefully instill some big city vibe into her because STBXW just keeps pouring little town living into her.

I am seriously tired though. My feet hurt. My knees ache. This is a young man's gig. I couldn't do this every weekend. I look forward to next summer when I should be in good enough shape financially to only accept the weekend jobs when I'm free and not give up any time with the girls.

Really, I'm 95 percent good. This nightmare may be over in June. My summer is shaping up very nicely. Money right now is not that big of a concern. When I think of the future, I'm not scared I'll be broke and alone. Instead, I wonder how it'll be at the girls' high school graduations, college graduations, weddings, birth of the grandchildren.

There was so much promise at the beginning, and I see where a lot of it went wrong. I don't like the person she is now, and perhaps this is the person she was all along, but I still feel such a sense of waste and feel that will always be there when she's in the room.

[ClingingToHope]

My L is back in town and updated the agreements. I asked if she is to sign these and then return them to him. Next court date is May 6. That means another in June and that could be it.

Not sure what's going through my head, but my stomach is churning a bit.

D12 tells me that STBXW doesn't want her to open a checking account at my bank. Instead, the money she's saved at my house should just go into the savings account I SET UP FOR D12 at her/my old credit union.

This bothers me for some reason. It probably shouldn't, but really anytime D12 starts a sentence with "mommy says you" I automatically get defensive. This is going to be a long 14 years.

There was no response on whether STBXW is going to sign D8 up for soccer. I'll have to send another email.

I had to meet with a school official on D8 today. They have to redo all of her testing every three years to determine if she still needs school support.

I'm not myself when it comes to school anymore. I feel like I'm an outsider now. The lady asked me if I knew about the meeting on May 24 to discuss the questions. I said no, STBXW doesn't tell me a lot of things and the school doesn't send me anything. Luckily, I see them everyday during the school year to stay connected.

It was OK once I got into the questions and talked about how I handle things and what I'm seeing. I do much, much better with D8 now that I don't have to worry about how STBXW wants me to handle her. I can just be myself now.

But when it comes to school and the teachers and social workers, I get this vague "they are on her side" feeling.

People it's just anti-female sentiment. If more than 50 percent of married couples get divorced then it's likely that of the eight women I deal with about Hannah four of them are divorced and likely have custody of their children and believe I must have done something wrong.

I'm in a bitter spot today. I do not deserve to be a 40 percent father. Answering those questions reminded me that I am an excllent father and every night they don't spend with me hurts them.

I'm also a little tired. The work this weekend took a lot out of me. It also kept me from church and even though I'm not super religious I've found I stay in a better spot when I'm there for the message.

I played two games of softball yesterday. I have my divorce group tonight AND another softball game. Wednesday I have the girls, Thursday I have my church growth group and then a weekend all to myself. It's also mother's day. My mom died 15 years ago. I also moved out on Mother's Day 2009. That's a lot of stuff.

[ClingingToHope]

Funny thought hit me today. Now that STBXW has fired her attorney, that means mine is going to do all of the work. That means I'm paying all of the money for a divorce I didn't want.

Ironic.

[mishka422]

I did the same thing. Welcome to the club!

[ClingingToHope]

I have a possible end date.

Hi (Clinging To Hope):

I appeared in court this morning and an order was entered allowing (STBXW's attorney) to withdraw as (STBXW)'s attorney and setting the case for a status on 5/31/11 for (STBXW) to either enter her appearance on her own behalf or for any attorney to do so. This type of status is required any time an attorney withdraws in a pending case. If she agrees to the settlement, we can have it signed by both of you and get this case done.

(Your L)

As usual, my stomach is churning. April and May are going to be tough months in the future. In those two months I have my birthday, wedding anniversary, day the relationship ended (Mother's Day) and now possibly a divorce date.

If I get remarried, I'd like to do it in June, kind of a rebirth.

Lots of ups and downs in last 24 hours.

* D8 had a meltdown on the street after school yesterday. I was patient for 20 minutes and then had to forcefully get her home. A couple drove by in a truck and thought I was being too tough on D8. The joys of raising an ADHD child. D8 felt awful after. I told her when she gets upset, we need to go home so we can handle it outside of the public.

* Church singles group started meeting again last night. It goes two months on, one month off. Church 31 -- the one I would just love to ask out when this is all over -- was there and her engagement is off. I felt bad that I was happy. When the D is done I will try to work up the courage to ask her out. I won't even mind -- really -- if she says no. I'm 11 years older, two kids and probably not her type. I've never had much luck with blondes. Still, she is my prototype. If I get married again, I think I'd like it to be to someone like her.

* Then the email this morning.

Life is rarely easy.