Apologies if any of this is in my previous post; it has not yet been posted here and I'm not sure of everything I wrote. Bear with me.
Heading into week 8...the past several days have been difficult. W appears to have no intention of giving up the long-distance EA, and I know I cannot force her to. So I feel like the chump; she continues her behavior while I take my lumps. I will be out of town this weekend and already I am dreading the freedom she will have to ramp up her feelings for the OM while I am away. My feelings for her swing between wanting to save our M at any cost, and whether I want to be with her at all after the hell she is putting me through.
It is awkward being in the house together. I try very hard to not let my feelings show, but I have always tended to wear my heart on my sleeve and frequently my sadness and sullen mood show through. Then I try to counter that with superficial small talk and it all seems so stilted. I am getting zero from her; no indication at all as to whether she wants to stay, go, reconcile, separate...nothing. She comes home from work, makes herself dinner and retreats to her home office where she stays until she goes to bed. Now she's addicted to some Facebook game "Gardens of Time." For about the last 7 years she has been addicted to computer games. At first I commented on how much time was spent playing them, but that just led to arguments so I gave up.
In hindsight, that was a sure sign something was wrong in our marriage but I let it go in favor of peace in the house.
How do I continue to live in the same house with my EA-ing W and not lose it completely? When I first started doing 180s and trying to GAL it seemed like it would be easy. But after a few weeks I have found myself slipping into the role of pleaser; I still take her son to his day program every other morning, cutting into my work hours, so she does not have to cut into her work hours. I clean the house, do laundry, try to have dinner ready for her when she works late, rub her shoulders when she is stressed (which she seems to enjoy but does not respond in kind) and bring her coffee in the morning.
This morning, however, I strongly feel like I should draw the line in the sand and tell her "no more."
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
