From small beginnings come great things

[25yearsmlc]

Dear 2step,

She IS a confusing woman. She's not behaving consistently, or with clarity. I will give you that. You are where so many of us have been, in internal limbo.

So she's not clear with you and I would bet A LOT of money that is for the simple reason she is not clear in her head/heart either! She isn't playing games. She is simply very confused herself. I KNOW she should have been a whole lot clearer for someone who frickin filed for divorce.

So she's giving mixed signals and Here's my real question and bare with me...So what? (btw, To get and highlight the colors, go up to the bars where the bold and italics tools are, and to the right you will see a colorful pyramid (or is it a capital A?? I don't know!) and use that.

OKAY so my "so what?" means, what's different in your approach to life if your ex w wants back in or doesn't, or might later, etc?

See, I'm thinking your actions are the same regardless of what she thinks/wants/plans, etc. The whole GAL and 180s for you, etc.

I think what you are saying is that It's the internal process you are struggling with, correct? It's like You are wondering what your new mantra or theme song should be now, is it "Kiss it Goodbye" , "Re-United", or "Forget You!"

I get that. Here's what I did when I was in the same sitch as you are. Remember that while my h was gone out of the house for 2 years, he never said he wanted a divorce, but he lived in the one place I said I could not live again. His actions were 180' from his words. He said he wanted us to join him, even when he knew the first year we literally could not. (He did many visits home fyi).

When I filed for a sep it was to protect assets, b/c I honestly thought he'd sell the house to invest in his "adventure" up North where his heroes lived and worked...I gave us a 10% chance of remaining married.

How'd I do that? I decided on some basics about my life and the kids. Like you, I made my d's the priority.) Our son (now 24) was off at college but I still had 2 d's at home, one in high school.

In my MC sessions, I determined that SHE would Not have to move while in high school. As a former military family that moved OFTEN, our promise to our children was always that they'd get at least 3 years of high school in one place as I had growing up.
So That meant we were going to live in the same area for those 2 years and I was cool with that type of relative stability. That's a start.

Next I looked at my career & I did NOT work more at my job b/c my counselor said the "last thing your kids need is another absent parent" and that made sense. It went against my survival instincts financially, but it helped me stay focussed on the girls. So there's a plan that remained in place. Working and living in the same place for at least 2 years.

It's true that The R my h had with the d's suffered and he is still working on rebuilding it. That is his responsibility, not mine. I am supportive and encouraging and I didn't bad mouth him much, considering. Just stay out of their way and move forward as best you can about your d feeling abandoned. Stress that SHE had nothing to do with it and ask your ex if she could confirm and validate that with D.

At one point, I chose to date, but very discreetly. My kids never knew. I would have had to be much more serious with a man before I'd intro him to my kids as per my MC's views as well.

My MC told me the time to introduce them to new people is when you feel 3/4 sure you want a real R with the new person and even then, the child should have reasonable veto power. (SIDENOTE, I'm a L. I recall that I had clients who would tell me they were dating "a great guy" but that "he doesn't get along with the kids" and I always interrupted them then to ask, "how is he great if he doesn't get along with your kids?" They were asking for trouble. I did not get how they could over look that trait in someone. ANYHOW...)

I learned a lot about my life by meeting OMs. Mostly good news about my h, comparatively. Most of my dates confirmed for me that my h was a good match for me (unless he stayed in MLC). He was intelligent, educated, unthreatened by my being a professional, and he got my sense of humor. Also he took good care of his body.

I also learned that dating was not terrifying or an unsuccessful venture for me. I felt a sense of empowerment by NOT feeling trapped alone. I could date if I wanted to but for the most part, I wanted my h back. So even though I had fun, And it was SO good to know I would not be alone the rest of my life if I didn't want to be, I could also honestly say my h was a good catch, as he WAS before the MLC.

So 2step, Can you (eventually) see dating new women?
Can you also see your ex w as a potential woman to date? I know she's far away and all, but in theory, can you imagine her as a "pen pal plus", who MIGHT live near you someday...

If you were to be in a R with a new woman & you came to care for each other, would that be so confusing that it is a bad or a good thing, in your eyes?

Can you progress in your growth without knowing the future? As you must realize, we all have to do so to an extent.

But can you live your life as if you are single, & she's not likely to come back, but she's someone from your past who you once cared deeply for? Shut the door, don't keep looking back at it, but don't lock it either.

I know it's hard to swim to the other shore if you keep turning over your shoulder to look back at the beach you left. You feel you won't make it to the other side if you keep turning back, yet if you only knew she'd be there on the beach, then...and since you don't know that, you'd like to go to the other shore anyhow...but you wonder if you should turn back now and see what's there on the beach...or if you'll be missing yet another tide that would have helped you get to the other side faster, to your new life, your future happiness...

To keep the metaphor going, I say swim on to the other side. You are divorced. She filed and that was that. If she wants to catch up with you, she'll have to swim too, not knowing what she'll find on the new shore. At least you'll know she made the effort without guarantees, like the rest of us.

Now, Not everyone can do what I'm about to say so if you can't, you can't. But perhaps you can try to swim to the other side while knowing that she may enter the water sometime later, and she may make the whole swim & come your way and knock on your hut and she may want in...what then??

The answer is not knowable now. It's like asking when you won't think of her anymore. Only time will tell you the answer then. You might be in another R. Or you might still miss her and she might have worked out her own stuff and you two might be evolved into better people who'll make better partners for each other, as my family members who remarried their ex's discovered. (I think I told you that 2 family members of mine div and remarried years later. Better the 2nd time around. It happens).

I found that after my GAL activities had flourished and I was seeking a new job and feeling pretty good about the "no matter what comes, I'm going to be alright" and really believing that, my h wanted totally back in. He had been alone long enough to figure out his happiness was not in his work or new geographic location but he was lonely for us, his family, his mate and his children. I don't know if he dated, but since my experience only confirmed my marital commitment (for the most part), I didn't care to know. But the weird thing was that I did not know if I wanted to restore our m anymore. I was liking my new life and the kids had adjusted and we had our new routine that h was screwing up in a way.

What a problem!! But H said the things he needed to say (wanted to be "the best h he could be, the h I "deserved", would work on it and swore he was over the whole tundra obsession, which I believed b/c I saw first hand what a disaster it was) and I eventually agreed. We did go to mc together and pieced & recommitted. Also went to Retrovaille after a year of piecing, which I highly recommend even if one party goes Reluctantly...(we both wanted to go to Retrovaille, but we saw couples there with one partner resisting, yet ALL were helped by it. Can't say enough about that, btw).

For ME, going forward in my life with or without H wasn't that hard once I began DBing and getting centered. As creepy as it sounds, I did the same things I would do if he were dead, actually. I GAL and improved myself and bonded with the kids and stayed in the same home and job for those 2 years to keep stability for the girls (THE priority was that) and went about my business. I got happier.
I came to believe that no matter what happened with h, I was going to be fine. Life went on. He caught up later. He overcame my natural resistance and distrust.
So if your ex just checks in to probe you to make sure she still has a plan B, (you) you can set that adrift. IF need be, Minimize the contact, maybe tell her you want some space b/c you are working on your new life and she's hindering your progress, no offense. NO NEED TO BE RUDE OR CURT. But what if she really wants back in? What if she changes or does the work?

First off, if she really wants back in, You will know. She won't be vague or fuzzy about it. If she is still fuzzy about it, would you really want to bother fooling around with that?


If you shut the door and assume she's gone, b/c her tactics right now only indicate uncertainty on her end, not necessarily 2nd thoughts, then simply live as if that's it & you two are done. What changes based on that belief? You don't have to be rude to her. You are detached, b/c You are truly single now. Someday maybe you can ask her for dating advice (I think I'm kidding but now I'm not sure).

If she ever makes the real effort to get back with you, you'll know, and at that time you can look around at your life, and assess. She might well evolve enough and the two of you might make a great team someday.
Maybe your d will have been better off b/c she's reconncecting with her bio mom...

Just don't accept half hearted checks/probes as efforts at reconciling. She'll need to be clear about what she wants and why she wants it and what she's willing to do for it, as will you. Cross that bridge when/IF you get to it.

Make sense? Is this too much for you? Too complex emotionally?

If so, then tell her to keep her contacts with D for d's sake using D's cell, and (SIDENOTE-- don't over guilt her about the D, b/c she is your d, not hers and your ex w did rise to the occasion while you were married. Have you ever thanked her for helping you raise another woman' daughter? That would likely be a 180 and I cannot see any harm from thanking her. It might be a good motivator to stay in touch with D b/c guilt is NOT a good motivator. It only pleases the one making them feel guilty and never ever forget that people cannot tolerate guilt for long. They always convert it, usually into anger. It backfires as a motivator. ALSO--re your mother asking your w about moving out or whther she was at fault for the problems, NOT a fair question to ask. Protect your next partner from that type of pressure. It's so awkward and unrealistic to assume you'd get an honest answer or a fair one. I just think It's an unfair burden to put on any woman--IMO.

You cannot expect a frank reply from a wife/DIL and it's just not a cool question to put on her. So for future reference, some women can handle it fine and even like getting a little rent money or child care or help with the house, in exchange for living there. But for me, it's not worth it to lose my privacy. Different strokes...just wanted to say that asking her or having your mother ask her if the problems were HER fault...not going to be productive although it might make the asker feel better.

I think that's enough for tonight b/c I am tired and repeating myself. Hope this isn't more confusion for you.

good luck, stay strong for your d and for you.