"Get along and interact nicely: 0% of the time? 10%? 30%?"
60% of the time. You did say nicely.
Really it is not the issue of us interacting.
After all this time we can fake it pretty well. We have never gotten to the "core" issues. We both hold a "grudge" so to speak. I think she is "crazy" she thinks I am "hard headed"
If I look at it from my point of view I think she places too much value on "I am not doing enough for the kids". But.. I just don't know what else I could do. They have a good mother and a good father. It is almost like her overwhelming desire to make me a better father is driving me away. I mean I kinda need a little bit of direction. I mean if I am doing well should there not be some indication that I am doing well? I don't beat them. I have never discouraged them from doing anything. I have "given" them things I did not think they deserved.
I am not sure that tonight I have the brain power to look at it from her point of view.. and I will make that more clear at the end of my post.
"For me; 'fix' sends warning bells. If I fix someone, what happens if they 'break' later? Do I get to 'fix' them again? What if I'm not around? Shouldn't they be capable of fixing themselves? And if they are fixed, are they going to be using the skills they hopefully learned to keep up on maintenance?"
"Fix" has the bells for me too Jack. It is written in every post "here". People think I am weird because as I am "fixing" them I am also preparing them. Too a point I have kinda pushed for people not to "fix" and look at things from a different point of view. People should be able to look at the situation and figure out what needs to happen. But at the same time if people could do that.. this site and the many others like it would not exist. It is those tunnels with the cheese in it.
"You're answer is very 'Wife-centric' and not Forrest-centric, let me switch that up."
OK..
"What value DO you bring to the relationship?"
I bring me to the R. I bring someone that will strive to stand out to the people he holds close. I bring the expectation that when "that" happens people should see the value in it. My friends can "see" that. My co-workers can "see" that. Maybe to a point DB.com can see that. I am caring.. with a touch of sarcasm. I am loving cause I want you to be close to me. And if you give me the chance I will build you up.
"You SEE both side's but do you show it?"
Yes.. to me I have. She has pointed it out in C. She has said.. I can see it. But.. then she just keeps pointing out where I have failed.
An example...
I C we talked about how we need to come together on things with the kids. To a point that was focused on our D. She is 16. We came to the idea that if D was talking about doing something to her.. she would fill me in. If D was talking to me about doing something.. I would fill her in. I was reasonably sure that I was clear that this needed to be a face to face thing.. or at least a phone call.
So.. D texts me about going to the beach. She clued me in on what time she was leaving and what time she might be home. She had been with my W all day and had obviously been directed to contact me for approval. I did not respond. Mainly because I have been clear that it needs some face time.. or at they very least some cell minutes. I heard exactly nothing from that point on. My D came home hung out with some friends.. went to bed. I went to work the next day and then got home and D is not there. I asked the W if D had gone to the beach. Plans had changed and D had gone to Kings Dominion. She then asked me why I did not respond to the beach things. I told her that I was sure that I was clear that stuff like this should not be discussed in a text message. If she (W) thought I was not clear to D about that.. then I would handle it and make it clear. My W then told me that me not responding made her (W) sad. Things start to go a little sideways here. I get that my W may be sad about my "no response" but she is completely disregarding that "we" have said "texting is not acceptable". My W telling me that she was sad.. most likely elevated my tone somewhat. I again indicated that I would make it more clear to D that this was not the way to ask permission. Then I got that "people must bow down and kiss your feet". Lets just say there were lot's of FU's from me after that.
"While it is commendable, that you do contribute and can see both sides and have not walked away, do you wear your sufferance on your face; in your attitude; or in your words?"
Honestly.. Jack I try not too. Does it happen.. yes. I am not perfect.. nor do I expect to be. It is actually kinda cool that you used the sufferance word. I feel like I am.. but I do try really hard not to let that show. But if you think it.. you most likely look like it right?
Kinda like she is miserable living this life.. she would not tell me.. but I can see it.
All she wants to be is happy. I will assure you that I have not seen happy in her eyes in a long time.
"Are you passive aggresive towards her because of your wants are not being met?"
My needs.. are honestly just gone now Jack. I am just trying to "find" something to hold onto. I suspect that if she walked up tomorrow and told me she would fulfill all my "needs".. I would pass. How is that for honesty?
"it's her choice whether she wants to value it or not. you could be crapping gold bars and it may mean nothing to her."
To a point I agree with you D4. I won't tell you I have been crapping gold bars.. maybe some copper ones.
"have you tried letting her go and filing for d? life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't see value in you. unless you don't value yourself."
I read the other stuff you wrote. I am discounting it somewhat. I know in my heart that she can "see" the value I bring. She very likely would never find someone like me. I can't say that I would have any better luck than her in that same search.
The reality of it this thou...
We had a talk tonight about I am done and do not want this anymore. She needs to decide whether we need to get the L involved or can we do this smartly.
We have a C session that is scheduled for today at 6 (EST).
She has said that she is going whether I do or not.
I have said I have no intention of going.
My plan is to sit down Fri night and get the "money" straight.
Sat we need to have a chat with the kids about what is to come.
So.. no.. I have not tied to let her go.
But it is in the works.
Someone once said to me.. people saying they are gonna go.. are not gonna go. They just want people to tell them to stay.
I am still not sure I totally agree with that.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
