From small beginnings come great things

[2stepboogie]

Wow I can tell this is going to be a long night for me just waiting for michelle to jump in here with a hammer and a hug

Yup, I am always around

I know you are and I am grateful even though sometimes it seems like I am fighting you tooth and nail

The lack of a clear goal, makes your choices harder.

Extremely Diffucult. It is hard to set any real goal under these conditions. My goals do not depend on her but my goals do change depending on whether I see a future with her or not. Meaning, do I hold on to hope or not. I know that depends on me and that is what I am trying to figure out.

Actually, even now, I see her wanting contact with you, as a good thing...or a potentially good thing

Again depends and the part that is confusing.

I read somewhere that a person who truly wants to end a M, ends it. Period.

I agree but I will let you answer this Cat.

It is all very confusing

My best friend, is also the man that I am in love with.
We started as friends and that friendship has grown

We all started as friends Cat and I have been told by Michelle, Jody and some others not to be afraid of being friends first. There is a problem with this logic in my sitch though, while no one can argue that you must be friends first there are certain steps that I will be missing. Among them the reconnection/dating part. You do realize this step would be completely absent and very important.

I get the impression that that is part of what your XW is looking for

And you know what? Most days I will agree with you on this statement the problem there lies with me more than her.

"Me thinks thou doth protest too much"

Ok that is funny.

When you get all frustrated, try to remember she had reasons for leaving that you conceded they were valid.

I have never argued that she had valid reasons. I do remember and that is the reason I have done what I have done. That is why I came here. That is why I read the books. That is why I have worked so very hard on changing things about myself that I feel contributed to the demise of the M. However no one walks away from this with clean hands and at some point I have to decide to either continue to have hope or completely move on. When I decide to completely move on I will not be considering any kind of reconciliation.

Got your mom out of the home...

This was always an option. I did not ask her to move in. I wanted to move her 3 times. My mom approached XW on several occasions and asked her directly if she was the root cause of our problems. She denied it. She asked me on several occasion NOT to move her out.

So it will take MORE time for your w to believe your changes are real and not just tactics to get her back. (Are they real?) If this is really the new you, what's the hard part about this?

Again I agree with this but I agreed with it much more say 3 months ago. Are my changes real? I assure you that they are, if they weren't I would not be having this discussion with you today because any connection I had with her would have been severed. The hard part is that I am fighting myself. I am getting to the point where I am doubting I want to travel this road any longer and I am undecided. XW has given many mixed signals. That much is clear in our convo's. Is there anyone who has followed my sitch that was NOT surprised at the news I got on April 1st? Not in the direction I thought we were going at all.

better yet, don't talk. Just BE, as in BE upbeat

I was actually warned about this from my DB couch. I remember a convo we had back in Feb or late Jan that I was very upbeat and was talking about how great things were going. That day I felt really good. She became depressed in the convo. I asked my DB coach about this. She adviced me that I might want to turn down the "doing great" bit a little bit because for a person that felt she was replacesable and not needed all that did was validate that opinion. So I did. Instead of being so "life is great" I told her how much she was needed. Not a trick it was actually a lot closer to how I was feeling.

And focus on parenting your d, who has now lost a mother for the 2nd time??

This is my one and only focus at this time. In Dec and Jan I was at my worst and I took from her because I could not cope on my own. I am ashamed and sadden by this but I have worked very hard since to help her cope and to be there for her. Recently her mother started to come back into the picture, after she found out about XW and me. So for the first time in 11 yrs her mother decided to be there for her D. I appreciate that and so does she.

Last night I spoke to her mother for a few minutes she told me she will try and be there more for D because she knows that she is going through a rough patch.

XW says she does not reach out often because she does not want to give her false hope and to protect herself. Is this right? No! You spend 10 yrs with a child and you put your own feelings aside and make sure you are there for that child. As I stated earlier the contact with D has been limited.

Bottom line is here's my "beef" with your attitude. If she weren't callling you at all, you'd be angrily posting here about that. You would demand to know how she wiped the slate clean, forgot about you and d, and how can she forget all the good times, and what about all the years together and vows she took, and how can she abandon d and start over and not even look back or have any mixed emotions and...blah blah blah

hahaha Nah. I have already been down that road. That conversation was very early on. I don't wonder that anymore.

What I am trying to do is separate reality from fiction.

There is little doubt I have received mix signals from my XW.

She is done she is not done she is done she is not done he!! even my DB coach was shocked at the news of the D.

She wants to read 5LL

She has said she will do 3 sessions with my DB coach (already done 1)

She filed and never missed a beat about the turning in the paperwork.

She never hinted she had done so.

She is 1500 miles away

Our contact is 80/20 initiated by her

Those are just some of the facts as I see them.



It is very confusing to me. I have had a lot of distractions tonight while typing this post but I want to thank both of you for the insight and lively conversation.

By the way how do you get the letters different colors? That is pretty cool.

There is another piece of information I will not post about tonight that I believe adds to the sitch and the aggrevation on my part and feeling of moving on.