Take The Long Way Home...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Hey BITS,

Man, this has been a rough week. I have been so damned down all week. Meeting with the A and all the paperwork has been more than I can handle. In a few minutes, I will pick up the phone, call my soon-to-be ex-wife and inform her that the petition for D is ready for her signature. I am sick to my stomach.

15 years of love, laughter and life will be nullified by two signatures. Two signatures started this 10 years ago and two signatures will end it. I feel like someone has stolen my soul. Lately, I have become a zombie. I get up, I go to work, I go to the gym, I go to bed. I just can't take the "little deaths" that I can't seem to get away from. You know what I am talking about. It isn't one big thing. It isn't a firing squad or the electric chair. The whole thing has been death by a thousand cuts. She comes home and tells me she is leaving. I died a bit. She writes me a "Dear John" letter to tell me she doesn't love me anymore. I died a bit. She runs off to another country and starts an EA with OM. I died a bit. She ignores me through the holidays. I died a bit. She steals her stuff from the house. I died a bit. She starts pulling all kinds of under-handed stuff. I died a bit. She tells me she is not coming back and wants a divorce. I died a bit. I make the decision to get the divorce for her. I died a bit. I found the A, filed the paperwork, paid the bill. I died a bit. See the picture. This has been seven months of punch after punch and I just don't think I can take any more. Maybe this D will actually save me. I am so tired of getting up each morning left to wonder if today I will lose another piece of me.

BITS, I am sorry that I have not been around to pump everyone up lately. I just don't have it in me right now. Every person meets their limit at some point. Not to mention, I just don't think I am the one to be giving advice to anyone right now.

For the past seven months, I have been living a lie. I come here and preach the principles and I try my best to live them. And, I have been fairly successful, but I secretly always believed she was going to come back. I never stopped telling myself each night as I laid down to sleep that I was one night closer to her return. I have lived secretly with expectations for months. Well, I have no more expectations. For the past six months she has not ONCE called me just to talk. She calls when she wants in the house. She calls me when she needs things. She calls me to tell me she wants out. But not once in the past seven months has she called just to see if I am OK. This is not a fluke. This is who she is now and I don't think she has any plans on changing back. In a couple of days I am sure we will sit down to fill out our community property settlement and that will more than likely be the last time I will ever see her. There will be no "Hail Mary, Doug Flutie" moment. The clock is dangerously close to 00:00 and I am out of bullets, out of trick plays and out of time. I guess I am left to save myself because my marriage will not be saved.

No, I will not give up. I will continue to stay dedicated to me and who I want to be. But, there is nothing I can do to save my marriage. My wife has checked out and has absolutely no interest in checking back in. This divorce will not be "busted." But I guess I kind of knew that could happen when I came here. I truly now know what it means to be powerless. Please let this be the last time I feel this for some time.

Wife, I am so sorry. I never in a million years ever thought we would end up here. I loved you, but I could save you from me. I will wear this scar for the rest of my life. I miss you. I miss the laughter. I miss my best friend. You were the biggest part of me and now you are gone. This will always be the biggest failure of my life. I wish this could have been different. But wishes don't pay the piper. Actions do. And my actions were, as you pointed out, too little, too late. If you could only see me now and who I have become. But I guess you never will. That is a shame. You probably really would have fallen in love with me all over again.

Well, this phone call isn't going to make itself. I guess tonight I will die a little again... Stay strong team.

FOBD