18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[AJM80]

Ya, I think he does at times. He's amazing, buhe doesn't think so. Cap that off with an affair and feeling like a jerk over that...

Any thoughts?

I'm struggling with headaches and insomnia this week. Stress is getting to me.

[AJM80]

Mentioned to H via text last night that we were getting close to setting our vacation plans with my sister. He was interested in whether we would be gone the whole 2 weeks and asked for dates so he could try to make his work travel coincide with us being gone. I also let him know that my mother asked us to come stay a month this summer, for fun and to help everyone get a sense of what us living with them would be like.

H was over the last 2 nights, due back Thurs and Sunday. Texted me this afternoon, "Could D call me when she is free? Would love to hear her voice."

We called before dinner so they could talk. He stayed on the phone a good half hour, even though D was not super talkative, then updated me on some random things. He used to call a lot like that, but hasn't lately (since he visits more, I had assumed)

and that is all for today. I need to make myself go to bed earlier tonight - I'm more irritable, eating poorly, etc. At least it seems like the stress is getting to both of us. I need to pull out my bucket list and see if I can cross a few more things off/add a few things. And I need to book some childcare at the gym, get a couple workouts in over the next 3 weeks. Will help me sleep and be headed in a good direction physically.

[sparks14]

AJ - Seems like your H is making the gradual steps to get more involved. I know you are very guarded right now, but I think being open to them will help your H feel as though he is making the right decisions for himself and his family.

I do like how you are bringing the bucket list back out and taking care of yourself. I think this will do wonders for your psyche.

[AJM80]

On my way - for some reason your 1st post was delayed in showing up for me or I missed it (I really do think it got delayed). I absolutely welcome the male perspective.

I think the tone of my post was much more harsh than I was with H in person, or even felt at the time. When he came over, we made dinner, played with the kids, talked a bit, etc. He's been very sad this week, kissing the kids more, staying later, being more affectionate. This is causing a combination of hope and frustration and fear that's literally keeping me up at night (in addition to the kids contribution to waking at night), leading to a snippiness in my tone. Also, I've noticed my 2.5 year old noticing things differently - she's asking to go to Daddy's house more, telling strangers and me "My Daddy says bye bye", and making some other comments about mommy/daddy. She's skipping naps and it was rainy, so we were all stressed.

I am being a bit more guarded, I think...I guess I'll give him the benefit of the doubt about being sick. I didn't appreciate him waiting so long to me know he was canceling since I had told D he was coming just before I put her to bed. A last minute work thing happens sometimes and caused him to reschedule once - that's not horrible. But a simple, I'm sick and may not come would have been appreciated. By not doing that, I felt like he just decided that night that he'd rather do something else Sunday so he "called in sick".

When I wrote that post I felt like he'd let the kids down, that I'd let them down, and that this is sadly part of their new reality forever.

I'm trying to get more rest and make sure I am not being a B--ch to H or the kids. Thurs night when he was here I was kind of a mess. I'd scrubbed the house, dinner was ready, the kids were clean/dressed cute/being maniacs (rainy day). I was clearly frazzled looking. He asked about how I was sleeping, since I'd been returning his daytime texts or sending any pictures/updates at 1 am. We talked for a few min about that - he's concerned- and about how NUTs the kids were being. I went to the laundry room, changed clothes, took 10 min to myself, and went upstairs happy again. It was really nice to have a caring partner to talk to (not dump on). We ran some errands together after dinner and put the kids to bed. D said - I loooove mommy, H said son llllooooves Mommy, I laughed and said "Everyone loooves Mommy"

He texted last night, around 1130, asking how the insomnia was going. I told him that I was still awake, but I thought talking to him about it had somehow helped. then I went to sleep and BOTH kids woke up crying at different time last night!

I am really fighting the urge to ask H if he thinks we are making a mistake. But in that email I sent about deciding to move last week (unanswered so far, but it wasn't an urgent/tell me now sort of email - it was laying groundwork for a future convo), I think I gave him an opening to talk about that if he wants to, so I should leave things alone for now.

Where's the balance? Do I need to be less available/leave more when he is here? Keep doing happy family thing on nights he's here? Am I too guarded? Am I not detached enough/pursuing him? So hard to have any idea what the right mix is.

[AJM80]

It's really hard - she's a baby, but a smart baby. She keeps saying, "my daddy's not coming." "I want him" "we go to daddy's house?" "my daddy coming sunday" "I see him mommy, is daddy on the train? Is my daddy coming outside? I show him my (colors, castle, toy, book, etc)>>>"

Do I tell him when she cries for him or asks to call him? Sometimes? Every time? Never?

Wow, my "smart baby" is wrapping the cord for the blinds around her neck at the window...better run. But thanks guys, for your advice, I'm curious about what to do next. Maybe I need to plan a trip out of town for a few weeks, but I signed the kids up for swim classes and a music class - so I'd probably just do that if you really strongly suggest it.

[AJM80]

Good visit today. Still very hard for me this week, but we're GALing. Went to a carnival this morning after D's swim class and H had to wait on us a bit (since he neglected to let us know when he would arrive). Went out together and ran some errands/grabbed take out to eat in the sunny yard. Kids went to bed and H and I talked about random interesting work and world news things for an hour or so. He took them out for a walk, but came right back home since it was cold and they were tired.

H was talking about some of the things D is doing. I let him know that she's been asking for him more/seems a bit upset. Not laying a load of drama down, just giving him an update on what she is doing. I also asked that he get back to me on his thoughts about us moving, he groaned, but said he understood and did not want to put it off till after I had already decided.

Life did make a pretty strong point, accidentally. D asks for bread ALL the time, but it's not her main food. H is concerned that she needs to develop good eating habits (I really appreciate this, even if he keeps bring us ice cream and cupcakes!) Well, he was giving me a hard time about it tonight until I pointed out that she was ripping veggies right out of the garden to snack on and is a good eater. It really sank in for him that he has no idea what she's eating.

[OnMyWay]

On my way - for some reason your 1st post was delayed in showing up for me or I missed it (I really do think it got delayed). I absolutely welcome the male perspective.

Sorry, AJM80, my message didn't get delayed. I got delayed. After Tuesday, I haven't had much of a chance to DB for myself and haven't been by here.

However, my impressions of your post still stick, so I'll try to reduce them to words for you. Mind that these are MY impressions and your mileage may vary. I'll try to be brief:

1) Do you want us to stay here? If so, this is your opportunity to lobby.
2) When and where would you move? (He's already said he'll be moving out of his apt because of $$)
3) Are you still seeing the girl or anyone you would consider bringing around the kids?

#1 struck me in particular. My W has been critical of me over the years and I find it's a soar spot with me now (which is not to say she's mean or nasty, she's actually a sweet lady, but...). In this statement, you're fine asking if he wants you to stay (asking for his opinion), but the "lobby"ing effort is more of a command/demand requiring a decision/response he might not yet have. If you ask him what he wants, give him the opportunity to decide on his own without dropping your expectations of what you want back. With him feeling he must "lobby" you to get you to stay, if he already feels he can't live up to your expectations (or his), he may not even feel its worth trying. I probably wouldn't have answered this either, as it is a "wedge" issue right now between you and I would want to avoid an argument.

#2 - not your problem, so let it go. Again, let him man up and figure it out. Don't bring it up, but stay open to discuss options.

#3 - This is a valid question which you have every right to ask.

With his excuse of being sick, don't question it and take it for what it is. If he's lying to cover up his own feelings of self depreciation, that's his problem. You being critical of whatever it is, he will probably take it as if he's not good enough and he'll slide just that much farther away.

With regards to my question about his feelings of inadequacy, there was something in the tone of your email that struck me and left me with some feelings I know all to well. After spending my whole M working/supporting/trying/.etc. on our M/family, to have my W continually condescend to me about my parenting skills, cheat on me, then leave me, you might imagine I have some issues. Once, after all this, she commented on how I'm not the man I use to be and I have no confidence anymore. I commented how I must be bad in bed because she went outside our M for sex, a bad H because she left me, and a bad father because she always "corrects" me with our D. She immediately replied, "I don't think you're a bad father." Not very helpful as a confidence builder.

I guess my point is (and this goes for me, also), if R is what you want, then don't do things that will defeat that purpose. I can tell you are a strong woman and you may have to learn to temper that strength. Detach, but remain open. If he were me and the door were open, I'd be wanting to come back if the future were bright. But, if I felt bad about myself, I wouldn't come back to ANY reminders of how inadequate I was, true or perceived. This does not mean that these issues are to be ignored, but now is not the time to work on them.

I hope this helps paint the appropriate picture of what I wanted to say the other night. I know you have questions, so feel free to ask as needed. Especially if I haven't explained myself well.

[OnMyWay]

I also asked that he get back to me on his thoughts about us moving, he groaned, but said he understood and did not want to put it off till after I had already decided.

There it is again - confirmed by the groan. I don't know what it is about this makes me feel like I want to groan, too.

Makes me think of what my DB Coach told me: "Ask yourself if what you are about to say will bring him closer, be neutral, or push him further away. Only say things that will bring him closer. Period."

As a dude, if you wanted to know what I felt about you moving, I'd be ok telling you, but I'm not sure I'd want to get into a discussion with you about it. That requires facing a potential conflict, which I want to avoid right now.

Glad you had a good visit today!

[AJM80]

Hi - thanks, this is really amazing, meaty stuff and it's helping me understand a little more, I think. One of the things I have truly taken away from all this is that women have no idea how much men actually listen and internalize what we say. I wish my H and I had been able to shared in a healthier way what I was frustrated with/happy with and what he was feeling/going through so that when we didn't have time to stay connected, we still understood what the other was doing/putting into the relationship.

Thanks for your take on my use of "lobby" - I'll avoid that term/trying to influence or push him, rather than just asking an opinion.

I should have added a bit of info for #2 - H knows I'm looking at whether I should stay in the rental house we have now or move somewhere else in the area. He threw out that he would be moving out of the city - if he's moving to be closer to the kids, that's something I have a lot of respect for and would be a good faith statement of how much he wants to be present for his kids. I am letting that go, though, as you suggest. I think I'll either stay right where I am or move to my parents area.

I asked very nicely about getting back to me on the email and then dropped the subject. I think I was probably in the neutral zone since he groaned, but acknowledged that he did need to get back to me and appreciated that I cared what he thought/was taking it into consideration. Thanks for that feedback, though, since I should be going for +, not neutral or negative.

I have noticed something new lately, now that you talk about how your w made you feel. If he thinks I am upset about something, he's pursuing me about it. When I realized he was leaving on Sun, it suddenly stuck me that I had like 20 min before I had the kids all by myself again. He noticed that I was stressed and thought I was mad at him and followed me out of the room. I explained that the day had been fun, but I suddenly realized I had a lot of stuff that I hadn't taken care of while he was around to help. But he thought I was upset with him and pursued, instead of retreating.

OMW - think about whether it would help your situation with W to let her know that what she thinks and says to you has registered and did matter. I don't mean a big convo or anything, more just showing the little things. H has been lately - yes, he still flakes sometimes, but I do too, of course. But to see him actually playing with the kids, instead of watching tv/being on the phone, to talk to him about stuff and know he is listening/we both share things we've seen or heard, to feel supported an appreciated is so amazing. I think that Sparks was right and I was being very guarded - it just hurt.

[AJM80]

One thing that H said - he didn't know when Mothers Day was and it was stressing him out that he might have missed it (we had a bad 1st mother's day and he really hurt my feelings, plus his Mom is clearly having a hard time with all this and he doesn't want to let her down) It is this coming Sunday!

So, hopefully some helpful thoughts for you guys on Mother's Day, from a woman's perspective. I told my H that I'd get him gifts from the kids and would expect him to get me gifts from the kids for holidays until they are older. It's been something very nice for us.

Snapfish and some of the other sites make photo gifts. I've given H photo mugs twice now, with pictures of our kids on them. He loves them (sent me a pic of them sitting on his desk at work) and you can just pull photos from facebook or your laptop.

Other good gift ideas - birthstone jewelry (redenvelope, jcpenney, etc) - you get a necklace with a little pendant with your kids birthstone. Both of these are nice because it's a good reminder of your thoughtfulness, BUT it's all about the kids.

Another nice thing would be to get some pictures of the kids - doesn't have to be professional, just take them out to a garden or park, then make her a couple prints or put one in a frame for her. She'll love their little faces and obviously think of you.

Finally, flowers and a card (from the kids - let them color or draw in it) is always good option. A tip, if you don't know what kind of flowers your wife likes, go with some simple, bright bouquet. Gerbera daisies, roses, tulips are all good. Avoid the dyed daisies and bouquets with a lot of different types of flowers and leaves in them. Something simple and classy doesn't have to be expensive (pick the right grocery store flowers and you're still thoughtful, if you're not with a really high maintenance W).