Thanks for the compliment sparks! It hasn't been easy, but it has been necessary.
I think the biggest thing that has helped me detach is that, back when all this began to fall apart, I made a conscious decision that I was not going to be a victim or suffer from victim's mentality, thereby letting someone else determine how I feel or react.
Every time I was down or began feeling sorry for myself, I reminded myself that I am not a victim and, like it or not, I'm part of this equation. As a result, I also have a part to play in the outcome of this whole thing. It opened my eyes to two futures - one with WAW, one w/o. Both are acceptable as I win either way, as I will be a better man in the end.
This is a tough thing we are all doing here. I continually hope for the best while I prepare for the worst. The one thing I feel is most important is I don't let it define who I am as a husband, a father, a man, or a person in general.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
Thanks for the compliment sparks! It hasn't been easy, but it has been necessary.
I think the biggest thing that has helped me detach is that, back when all this began to fall apart, I made a conscious decision that I was not going to be a victim or suffer from victim's mentality, thereby letting someone else determine how I feel or react.
Every time I was down or began feeling sorry for myself, I reminded myself that I am not a victim and, like it or not, I'm part of this equation. As a result, I also have a part to play in the outcome of this whole thing. It opened my eyes to two futures - one with WAW, one w/o. Both are acceptable as I win either way, as I will be a better man in the end.
This is a tough thing we are all doing here. I continually hope for the best while I prepare for the worst. The one thing I feel is most important is I don't let it define who I am as a husband, a father, a man, or a person in general.
This ^^^ is a great attitude to have, and a great way to DB!
Picked up D from school and WAW was already at our home when we got there. I asked how her pre-counseling evaluation went. Got a short "It was fine. They wanted to put me on meds. I said no." That's all I got.
Then her sister called and she gave her a much longer description. She met with Doc for 20 mins. She felt Doc was very smart and in a very short time had an understanding of the emotions she was battling. She recommended meds, but told her they take 2 weeks to take effect, and she'd have to be on them for 6 months. Then "weened" off of them after. W said, and I quote, "This could all be over with in a month, so what's the point of going on meds?"
What the hell does that mean? I can take it to be one of three things: 1) school semester will be over and she'll be less stressed. 2) she's planning to move back in. 3) she's planning to file for D. Of these, #1 only makes sense, as #2's not happening without serious discussion/consequences/agreement and #3 is certainly not less stressful - but then again, she could still be lost in the fog and believes that's the thing to make all this "right."
Things are moving fast around here, though, that's for sure. Just not sure which direction we're taking. One thing AJM80 told me is if she comes back to not settle or let her settle for halfway, so for me, I'm not ready for #2 - no pun intended, even though it appropriately fits the sitch.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
Could she be suicidal? Not to be extreme, but "all over in a month" can mean something else too. From a mental health aspect, I said something like, look I don't like the idea of being medicated either, but wouldn't think less of you for following Dr's suggestions. Do what you need to do to be healthy. H decided not to, but my offering that support was helpful, I think. He was feeling weak and stupid and helpless - I didn't judge, guilt, or boss him around. Being told he had a problem/talking to Dr really forced some emotions out. I wonder if your wife is in the same boat.
For #2, just keep in mind that saying no to settling is different from totally rejecting someone. I think it's fair to say you wouldn't be ready for her to just move back in, but what would work for you? Sparks was doing some neat things with family dinners, etc.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
I don't think she's suicidal at all. She always been anti-anti-depressant. For her, I think it is a little bit of a pride thing. I'm ok with whatever helps her, but with her positive attitude as of late, I don't think she needs them either.
She informed me last night she'd be staying again this Weds night, as it will be more "convenient" for her. She really is making a lot of moves and putting forth some sort of effort. I'll have to make an attempt to find out what is going on in her head here soon. Knowing what I know of her, she has her plate full right now with the end of the semester at college. I imagine she's putting off everything until that is over, then she'll be more able to focus on what she wants out of all this. I still honestly have no idea what that is. She's never been good at communicating anything like that with me.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
Hi- I got behind on your posts and have been letting them sort of simmer. I think you're right about a lot of things, doing a lot of good things, and I have been right there with you on that flip between was/lbs. It means your stuff is working, she's questioning her choices, pursuing you a little, and starting to be a better wife/mother! When H started doing this, I felt extremely proud and you should too.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
My WAW has a big exam tomorrow. She came over tonight, like always, to spend "quality time" with D. I am USUALLY home on Tuesday nights. I took advantage of the sitch to go to an after work social networking event - sort of a professional GAL. I left at 7ish, said I'd be home in a couple of hours. WAW took that to mean "party from 6-9, ergo, he'll be home at 8." I got a text at 10:30 asking if I'd be home before 11, which I was, since I was already "OnMyWay" home.
I get home and promptly apologize only for being "tardy." Turns out, being late was good/bad for me. First, after I had left, these TV guys from the phone company came around to offer a much better deal than the cable company and the WAW signed up us up for it. Then, due to my GAL and being late, she felt the need to back-peddle a bit and talk her way out of it. Also, the scheduled install of said service on Saturday, and I'm going to be out of town with D GAL, so I'm not even going to be here. I looked over the contract and it is all in her name. WTH is up with that?
I couldn't help but chuckle at the sitch, which immediately put WAW on the defensive. I tried best I could to keep a lid on it, but her pure chutzpah of her actions really spoke volumes. She was talking all "This will save us money. I'll have TV to watch at night when I'm here. This is a good deal compared to what we have now," etc. really showed the hand she is holding. I now see, she is seriously (or was) considering reintegrating into some sort of family thing, which confirms the previous post where I had my suspicions - event hough she specifically denied it, as if that was my automatic assumption - which it's certainly not!
So, here's the problem. First is simple, yet worth noticing: I'm out at a professional function where I got blatantly hit on of twice - at a "Young Professional" function, it sure make an older guy feel good. Second, it proves to me she's been making plans without including me, again - I have a problem with that this time around, as she doesn't actually live here. Third, now that she has exposed herself, I'll bet the farm she'll back-peddle like theres no tomorrow and I'll be the baddest bad guy ever by morning - can't wait for that text.
Lastly, a positive - I think I showed quite a bit of GAL tonight. She didn't even ask, but she doesn't have to, as GAL is for me. I feel good. I was respected among my peers and I even offended a couple of people who weren't deserving of my respect. I think this is all part of a bigger picture of getting back to/reviving the true me and not worrying so much about what other, inconsequential people think. All-in-all, it was a good night. Plus, I do actually support my WAW's choice in switching cable providers. She made a smart move. We'll get so much more for a little less. I'm proud of her.
I just hope she doesn't hate me for it.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
