The big punch

[Redo]

25yearsmlc: This is in response to your second post (i saw it only after posting for the first one).

Yup, I wish i'd come here the first time wife left in 2009.

In regards to the women requiring the security, i think for most part, i think i did my job.

Wife never worked. We made sure my job would provide for us so that she could spend time with daughter. I rarely missed any of my daughter's appts even though she had child eczema issue. Even before daughter was born, my wife knew that I would always take her side when it came between her and anyone else.

I could be totally wrong in my analysis, but there were certain things that just fell into place.

1: Yup when it came to relationship (esp with my wife), I always and always operated with the fear that if i dont make her happy, she might leave me. Th reason being that my parents fought a lot and being a singleton did not develop any conflict resolving skills. Also, we got married when i was in grad school. I guess i never got to grow socially.

2: Wife's family is huge and very social. Quite a contrast with my family. All of wife's family is in the US and i have 0 family in the US. So wife's family began dispensing relationship advice and wife wanted me to follow it. The basic advise was always "just make her happy". Complicating matters i guess was that wife always wanted me to be like her dad. I thought i could change myself. I later realized that i could never change fully to become someone else. Too late because then wife felt like i betrayed her and broke my 'promise'

3: Since wife always thought i was very poor in handling relationship issues, i introspected myself, went to therapists and figured that it was because of my childhood issues. So i opened up to her, told her how i grew up always scared when my parents fought etc etc. This happened after daughter was born in 2008. I hoped that wife would understand why i always had a tough time dealing with things that for her was piece of cake. Instead now my wife actually started worrying that our daughter might turn up like me and so wanted nothing to do with my parents and started distancing from me slowly. Looking back, i should have developed a friends circle and sought their help than my wife's.

4: Parents came right when we were expecting. It all started with a silly argument between my wife and mom. My mistake was that i got upset with both of them. Wife felt that i never supported her. Later on things just worse because either wife stopped talking with my parents. I guilted myself because i was the only child and did not want to see my parents in that situation. Later after daughter was born, wife and my in-laws told my parents that they could not talk with my daughter. I think that was the final nail that drove me to depression. But even then i still had my job and never shied away from take share of house duties and helping wife with daughter. I was hoping that wife will soften up if i did that. Instead it just got worse.

Sorry i have rambled a lot.
But after the NUTs book, i realize where and how i went wrong. I did not take an adult responsibilty for my family as a man. Instead i just waited for my wife to take charge and followed. She hated this and felt that she could never rely on me and wanted out...