Wife of 6-years is Divorcing Me ...Need Counsel II

[25yearsmlc]

Alamo,

I posted to you on another one of your threads. There are some 2 x4s here, so get a helmet on. You don't have much time.

First, FWIW, I have 2 family members who divorced and then remarried a few years later. In their apart time,[b] they each grew and evolved into better people, not with the intent to reconcile but to learn from their pain. [/b]But when they reconciled, it really was better the 2nd time around. So yes, It happens.

In the past, you yourself said you were an angry, hot tempered and nasty H to your w in the m. Also, you said you were a habitual liar about many things, including but not limited to your Porn addiction which itself was a destructive force in your m. In one of these threads, you said the lying has continued unabated until a few days ago, or is it still going on, or what? Given that it happens with some frequency even now, do you see why she is moving forward with her plans?

Hey look, I don't want to beat you on the head about this. But I do want to answer your apparent confusion and get you to see how you are repeating destructive behaviors and it's not just about being m now. It's about being the best man you can be. See, For you to lie to her now, is kind of weirdly self sabataging on your end. You claim to really love her and want the m to survive, etc....but you still lie to her. WTH?????

Frankly, She'd be a fool to reconcile with you if she knows you're still lying, and how sincere are you about changing if you continue to lie like that anyhow (and why does it matter that the lies are not about porn? I mean, is that what you feel is important? I'm guessing she dislikes the lying, period. For any reason.) Bottom line, Are you addressing this trait? It's a biggie. Do you get that?

As for your anger and boundaries..soo, NOT THE SAME. Boundaries are by definition healthy things. Showing your anger, in your situation will only fuel her fire. Why do that?[b] You're supposed to be countering her negatives with your new behavior.[/b] So If she says you are quick tempered, be slow to anger. This isn't easy, but it's not complicated.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Her 30 seconds of being mildly rude (I mean, she didn't cuss you out or yell) to you is Not a big deal. As the w of an MD, I'm betting she was exhausted, mentally and physically. Whatever you can do to make her life easier is what she wants/needs, and when you are not around and her life gets harder b/c you are not present in it, is actually a good thing.

Sure, she was somewhat rude to you at the playground. She might not apologize for it but IF she recalls it (and trust me, she might not) she knows it wasn't right, and the fact that you didn't lose your cool in the face of her being annoying, is a good thing. Count it as a positive, and don't focus on how you could have shown your anger to her. She already knows that side of you. Plus your son said you are scary, that's a really big flag. Learn from that, big time. I mean, he's only 3 and he knows you have a temper. Yikes. She's the one with the relentlessly hideous hours, not you. The last thing you need to do is "be clear" about your anger. That's not to say be a doormat but she doesn't sound like someone who would mistreat you over time, at least when she's clear headed.

Frankly she sounds like she's trying hard to be as reasonable as any woman can be, given that she feels you betrayed & humiliated her, routinely, for years. Plus, you went public with a bunch of this and that was way out of line. I know you regret it, and apologized but did you try to Imagine how you'd feel if she'd told your friends what you did to make her want the divorce...??
As I said in the post on one of your other threads, being the best father you can be now, is the single biggest thing you can do to soften your w's heart. It's not the reason to be the best father you can be, but there's simply no way it doesn't matter to her. It does.

As for not hiring a L, did you change your mind and hire one? Frankly, I'm bewildered by that choice. You have a son she may remove from the state. You can prevent that. California is a big enough state for her to find a residency slot somewhere closer than another state. If she has to change her specialty for her son, so be it. At least hire a L to review your custody arrangement. I'm a L so I'm biased.

To me, not having a L for this type of issue, ie YOUR ONLY CHILD and knowing your wife may move far away, is NOT something i'd try saving money on, to say the least. In the long run, you'll save time and energy and the R you have with your son, (and maybe even the M), by hiring someone who can help you stay connected with your son. IMO. No one will think you're a jerk and being acrimonious b/c you want to protect your R with your son.

In fact, I'd want to know that someday i could tell my child that I fought hard to be with him as much as possible. Instead, if you hire no one to protect your parental rights, you'll be able to say "Oh I didn't want to make waves with w, b/c I'm conflict avoidant, and I wanted to save money for something...more important than time with you"....OUCH. See my point?

How's your work situation now? Are you making decent money? Whatever happens, you want to be able to bring something to the table as a man. Not just someone with all his needs for her to meet=she meets her patients needs all day and all night...she's exhausted.

So as you meet "her" need for a co-parent, you may eventually be seen as as a potential asset in her life, a positive. That is crucial. You don't want her to roll her eyes and sigh when she sees your name on caller ID.

Be someone she can count on to help with your son, a pleasant person to speak with or at least not be uncomfortable with and continue to be someone with common history.[b] In time, the good memories from the marriage will resurface in her. Some already have and she is grieving. /b]

But you can't keep challenging her decisions b/c that makes her defend them. She hasn't had time to listen to that inner voice, b/c you've been pursuing her.

And It's setting yourself up for failure. She had legit reasons for leaving the M and even you admit that. So THAT m had to end. The question is whether you two can ever had another type of m.

I think you can, if you show her that you are the new improved version of who she hoped and thought you were. If you are, then she's not going to want to have to start all over with someone new, esp with her self image issues. But this takes way more time than you've given DBing. Like I said,
Real Change + Sufficient Time = her trusting the changes are real, and not merely tactics to get her back so she can be hurt again.

Also, is there a chance you can move to where she gets her residency slot? If so, make it clear you are only pursuing time with your son and not moving in pursuit of her. She needs space from you. And the more time apart, in a way, makes it easier to notice changes in you than daily contact allows. Wear new clothes and new cologne, maybe get a hair cut and are you working out and taking care of your body? That's also a big factor for women. We like knowing our h's can open the pickle jar and doesn't let himself go too much. What are the GAL things you are doing? I didn't see them on this thread but may have missed them.
good luck,
j