New Phase - New Thread After 100 Pages

[BeingMe]

Don't let this destroy you. DO NOT pursue ... it makes you look week from a WAS's POV. When someone is trying to leave a R, and the other is clinging, it just makes that someone want to leave even more. You know this, from DB'ing. You also know that DB'ing is not always going to get your spouse back, in fact, there are very few times that it does, that I have seen on this bb. What it does do, is strengthen and finds a way for you to move on, if you follow the principles.

You were doing so well. This is probably just a hiccup on the road to detaching. It's never easy ... I still find it difficult. I thought I had completely detached from my H, only to discover on starting the S process, I was not as detached as I would like to be.

So, to recap:
Detach = no going to her work, or phoning her, or pleading for her to come home, or say ILU, or texting her, unless it's to do with the kids or finances. That said, do not invent things about the kids or fianances as a way to contact her. She will know. Do not talk about her to anyone. Come here to vent ... we understand.
GAL = going out with friends, having fun, finding a hobby to keep you occupied, exercise, going on holiday by yourself (you never know who you could meet), live life with the possibility in your head that every good thing is possible, because it is. But don't chase it ... let it come to you ... be available to it. Am I making sense?

And I am giving myself this advice as I am writing it. I so need it.

[BeTheMan]

In my brain, I know all of it.

But in my heart and deep down in the pit of my gut.... Well, that's something entirely different.

For me, the pain never goes away. I just learn to live with it. And the hope, it just won't die etiher. Any woman should be so frotunate to be so loved. It just makes me want to cry.

[BeingMe]

BeTheMan, I don't know you, but I'm going to throw some ideas and questions out there - brainstorming. Just a thought, but is that really love? Could it be a kind of obsession? IMHO, I don't think a woman is fortunate to be so loved because she will feel there are expectations required from her, that she might not be able to live up to.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean, but think of this as a 2x4, a wake up call, or whatever. You did continue to 'love' someone else for years, even though she would not speak to you. Could it be that you are driving your W away from a love too intense for her to handle? Love does not live in a vacuum. It generally dies eventually if not fed, but also if it's over-watered. Yes, love in a sense of "I care about you, and wouldn't want to see you hurt and lying in the street" always exists after a break-up, if you are a kindly person.

I don't want to minimize your pain, or the hope you carry, but when someone leaves you and is not intending to return (as your W says, thus you must suppose that she is speaking the truth), surely you must try and start detaching. Try and look at yourself from the outside, objectively. I know how painful it is, but please don't imagine this will be how you will exist for the rest of your life. In time, it will get better.

Are you seeing a counsellor to vent and discuss?

Sorry, if this seems mean. I sure don't want to add to your pain.

[Starsky309]

BeTheMan, I don't know you, but I'm going to throw some ideas and questions out there - brainstorming. Just a thought, but is that really love? Could it be a kind of obsession? IMHO, I don't think a woman is fortunate to be so loved because she will feel there are expectations required from her, that she might not be able to live up to.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean, but think of this as a 2x4, a wake up call, or whatever. You did continue to 'love' someone else for years, even though she would not speak to you. Could it be that you are driving your W away from a love too intense for her to handle? Love does not live in a vacuum. It generally dies eventually if not fed, but also if it's over-watered. Yes, love in a sense of "I care about you, and wouldn't want to see you hurt and lying in the street" always exists after a break-up, if you are a kindly person.

I don't want to minimize your pain, or the hope you carry, but when someone leaves you and is not intending to return (as your W says, thus you must suppose that she is speaking the truth), surely you must try and start detaching. Try and look at yourself from the outside, objectively. I know how painful it is, but please don't imagine this will be how you will exist for the rest of your life. In time, it will get better.

Are you seeing a counsellor to vent and discuss?

Sorry, if this seems mean. I sure don't want to add to your pain.

I tend to agree with much of the above, and think this could be fertile stuff to work out with a good IC. Most R issues, left un-tended, will repeat themselves in future relationships unless we can learn why we do what we do.

Starsky

[BeTheMan]

Where to begin? This was the worst/best day in my years of working to save my family.

Last night, my S17 and I got into an argument for the first time in years. That led to him spending the night with STBX. It also resulted in D19 making some comments about both kids being angry.

So...I saw my counselor this morning and when I came home spoke to D19. Short version: she confirmed what my gut has been telling me. STBX has been having a full relationship with her boss for some time (not sure how long). They went on vacation in March etc etc etc. This is the same man who years ago it was rumored that STBX was having an affair with. It was an EA at least.

I called STBX to say it's time to be honest and she claimed she had told me. REALLY?????? THAN WHY DID MY KIDS NEED TO KEEP IT FROM ME??? WHY WOULD SHE TELL HER KIDS "THE FIRST TIME WE SLEPT TOGETHER" AND NOT BE HONEST WITH ME? WHY WOULD ANY WOMAN DO SUCH A THING TO HER CHILDREN?

This is a tough day, but knowing the truth certainly explains a lot.

After all these years, I pray that this is the final straw for me - that I can finally move on to the life I deserve.

[BeingMe]

Exactly! You shouldn't be worried about what she is doing ... you cannot control her or her R with your kids. Now you know she is having a full on affair. What does this change? You still need to GAL, work on yourself and detach from her.

I wish you so much happiness, that it bursts from your home and extends to all who meet you.

[BeTheMan]

The part that drives me crazy is that somehow she seems to actually think she is the one wronged. She has managed to get our children to think that it's all my fault. At this point there is little I can do to change their minds. My S17 isn't event talking to me today. I will give him space (like a walkaway) and soon he will come back to me. I will always be his Dad.

When I am calm and rational I know there is little else my STBX can take from me, so I know that this is my rock bottom and from here I will move forward. And I also know that the man she has chosen over me is truly not nearly as good a man as I am. Only a good man would have never given up after 6 years total and 1 1/2 from when I returned. I know her new man doesn't have anywhere near that kind of dedication.

[BeTheMan]

A question to all D'bers who confirm that there is OP. How do you deal with the anger of being lied to? How do you not let it eat you alive?

[BeTheMan]

Today I felt at least half normal by end of day. I told both kids that I feel terrible that they had to keep their mother's new relationship from me for at least a couple months. I slept for no more than an hour last night, but hopefully tonight will be better.

[BeingMe]

Hey, BTM. Hope you're feeling better. Something that grabbed me in one of your posts about the OM ... please don't compare yourself to him, good or bad. Don't even think about him. I am sure you suspected there was one, anyway. So, nothing has changed except you now know. I'm sure someone has told you that you should believe nothing the MLCer says and only half of what they do, or something like that. It's so true. Whatever your W was before, when it was good, is gone. Maybe forever, maybe not, but you shouldn't focus on that. Focus on YOU.

Take care.