Listen to Jack3. I think the single biggest reason couples who want to reconcile but end up failing, is b/c either the LBSer cannot forgive, or the WAS thinks the LBSer won't.
There's always the fear in the wayward spouses mind that the LBSer will throw the A in their face down the road. Always holding the A over their head, using in arguments even if it is unsaid. And the LBSer sometimes makes it SO HARD for the WAS to return to "earn back their trust" that the WAS decides it's not even worth it. Especially if they're only being set up for failure. The lbs'er has to keep the road home paved and smooth if they truly want to move forward as a couple. Don't put more obstacles in the way.
Forgiveness isn't easy. But if you decide you want to forgive then start that (and if not, don't try to reconcile b/c without forgiveness on both ends, your m will fail.) Don't waste time faking efforts if forgiveness isn't at least a goal. And forgiveness means a lot of things but it MUST mean you eventually drop the issue and move...what matters isn't the past but "from this day forward"...that's what you two must agree on.
Agreeing on the marital history also isn't necessary to move forward. No one sees the past or present exactly the same and believe it or not, you hurt your spouse many times without even knowing it. So lose the scorecards b/c we all have different ones. Lose the grievance list. And stop thinking about the A.
Seriously assess what you saw of forgiveness as a child in your family growing up. I didn't see it so I had to learn how to do it. IT's a process and there are ways to learn how to do it. It never ever means condoning the behavior but it always means letting go of it at some point. You cannot hold it over their heads.
If you cannot drop the issue of the A, then your m is over. Period. So decide to forgive IF you want the m to work, or go ahead and save time and get a div now. Why stay in a doomed M? To re=cap, a marriage without forgiveness in it, will fail. It's up to you really.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
