I am glad you decided no more R talk. It's getting you nowhere right now.
Stop pushing. Stop pursuing. Your actions are your words are not matching up. You are saying you are moving on, that there is no D to bust anymore, but your frustration and anger is still there.
And instead of processing it yourself, it looks like you are using the excuse of no longer having to DB her to get a few shots in at her.
There is as much as roller coaster when you get the D as there is when they first drop the bomb. In some ways it's worse.
Give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. And understand that you still have a lot of grieving to do.
This whole time I am wondering where you have been and last night I found my post somewhere on like page 7 and realized you had posted. I must have missed it.
You know Michelle here is the thing.
My frustration and anger are real and I do need time to process this info. I feel like there has been a total game going on here and I think what I need to do is cut waaaaaaaaay back on the contact. I am not doing this as some sort of ploy or trick I am doing it to protect myself.
Since the beginning I have had a lot of contact you have read along. The D caught me completely off. I don't know why. It should not have, and before everyone takes the opportunity to use that comment to give me some speech about expectations, I get it. However it is hard to look at the convo's I have been having and walking away with the conclusion that I was done for. After she turned the papers in we had our DB session. After she turned in the papers we read together and blah blah blah. Then April 1st happens. Surprised? Yeah a little.
Do I think she knows what she is doing? Yes
Do I believe at some point she could have told me she had turned the papers in, that way she was not setting me up for another heart break? Yes. I think that would have been a decent thing to do. There is NO way she does not know or did not know what my intentions were and where I stood throughout this whole thing. Yet the contact continued. Why?
What is the point?
My mind is always thinking. I am always processing.
"Stop wondering why" "live for yourself" "GAL" I know I know and I know. I am doing all these things. My focus is on my D and me. Plain and simple. I am not a robot though and I would be lying if I did not say I hurt.
I did not update this but she called on Sunday to talk to D for a little while they ended up talking for about 20 min then her and I spoke about nonsense school weekend and little things. Nothing of substance.
You know how I felt while talking to her? I wanted to hang up.
Truth is Michelle I am not sure at this point I even want this to work anymore it is like a constant game and I am battle fatigued. Now everything I wrote in that earlier post is absolutely true. I will always love her and I still do. Thing is now after the D it has become painful because I am not really sure what I am working towards.
She calls, and by comparison to other posters, she calls a lot. Why? What is the reason for the constant contact? I don't get it.
Someone explained it to me earlier this way:
"She does not want you right now but she does not want you to move on. She knows exactly what she is doing. The balance of the R has shifted completely in her favor and right now whether you want to hear it or not you are plan B. Now plan A can be anything. Making it on her own. Proving something to herself. Whatever that might be. If that does not work out then she knows she has you. Are you content with that? Are you content with being someone’s plan B?"
My answer to you is the same answer I gave to them. No. I am not. I am not worth anyone’s plan B. I have owned my mistakes and I have forgiven myself. She has agreed to talk to Jody I bought three sessions for her and gave her the contact number. Now it is up to her to call and do her own work. Truth is I want her to call for herself at this point. Not for us. There is no us anymore.
I believe she has strung me along and I am jumping off the ride. I guess for the first time I am beginning to question what it is that I want and why. Does not mean I hurt any less or that I still don't have my days where I am totally depressed.
9yrs ago today I got M.
Even when you accept the end it is painful.
As far as throwing in some digs at her yeah your prob right. Jody told me to take some stock. I am trying to correct the record a little bit because some of her history still appears to be a little hazy.
Right now I am almost mourning the M and the end of the R all over again only this time I am not walking around looking like a zombie or crying in the night. It is a different kind of mourning. I don't know how to explain it.
As long as we have this constant contact I can't heal properly at least that is how I feel about it.
